Contact arrangements London-Edinburgh

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  • #22212 Report

    SingleMom
    Participant

    Hello

    My 1 year old son’s father lives in Edinburgh and I live in London with my son. We never really were together and he always lived in a Edinburgh and I always lived in London. What would be an appropriate contact arrangements in this case?

    His Father refuses to commit to a structure such as EOW or every third weekend and really just comes when is convenient for him trying to couple it with meetings his friends here or some appointments he has in London. I want a structure and consistency in place. He refuses by saying he already is the one who has to travel so it has to be on his terms in a way: sometimes weekends, sometimes weekdays, sometimes once in two weeks, sometimes it’s been once a month. When I try to suggest the structure where it’s for example EOW, the Father says it’s me trying to control him or that I must be more flexible considering the distance.

    Does anyone have an experience of arranging a contact when there is distance involved? Can I still require structure and patten for visits to be put in place?

    I’d really appreciate any bit of advice. Dasha

    #22244 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Hi Dasha, it’s a difficult situation because your child’s dad cannot be forced to see his child. Equally though, he cannot expect you to be at his beck & call.

    The cost of trips from Edinburgh is high (and should be shared) so that is also an issue.

    I think if you want to ensure your child sees his dad, you are both going to have to flex. Maybe He could combine trips to see his son with business meetings, to keep costs down, but he has to give you at least a week’s notice.

    #22248 Report

    SingleMom
    Participant

    Thanks for the answers, Kathy and Solomum!

    Just a few deatails to add:

    – The Father doesn’t have to work, he is a trust fund child

    – I solely pay childcare costs which is a lot, he is not contributing anything apart from the child maintenance that goes towards covering utility bills/rent (I’ve had to move to a separate flat because of the baby from a shared household) and some baby essentials

    Him asking me to share the costs of him travelling up and down to see his son seems like a lot to me. Considering also the fact that he chose to leave me when I was pregnant. Do you think it’s something I have to be contributing towards?

    I really appreciate some honest and objective views on the situation as I understand my view can still be clouded by resentment.

    You are both right, i should be more flexible I guess…

    He already took our son for the first overnight stay last week.

    When do you think is appropriate to give our son for him to take to Edinburgh?

    Thank you so much

     

    Dasha

    #22256 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    The fact that your ex doesn’t financially need to work is irrelevant.  You weren’t married so your finances aren’t linked and he was free to leave just as you would have been. It’s sad but people are human.

    I don’t think you should contribute to travel costs since you have always lived in the south. It is not as if you moved away. But equally, he’s doing all the travelling so supporting that by being a bit flexible is reasonable.

    what matters is your child’s best interests now.

    In terms of weekends, is your ex competent to care for the baby unaided, & has the baby established a bond with him?

    maybe wait until he has had a few more one nighters, make sure all is well, and then move up to occasional weekend stays.

    #22304 Report

    SingleMom
    Participant

    Thank you so much for both replies and your perspective on the issue.

    I mentioned the trust fund and not having to work more in terms of the Fathers flexibility than money probably. I have to work and arrrange the childcare for our son. And I’d expect him to be more flexible. His view is that he has to travel and as he tries to group seeing his son with other things he has to do here and friends he wants to see, the days he is here vary significantly. Sometimes it’s Monday to Wednesday and other times it’s Thursday to Sunday and something else the next time.

    When I try to impose structure he says im trying to control or interfere with his bonding process with our son.

    I want to start putting our son to a childminder 3 days a week as it’s much more cost effective than any other paid childcare (I have no family here). They are not flexible with the days. If we agree on certain days it has to be those days or else I lose the money. Is it fair for me to tell the Father that I require a structure to his visits (aka come any days between Friday and Monday) ? He says he stillnwill come when it works for him and will take our son out of childminders house that day but wont agree to covering the cost of that day. That is quite unreasonable I think but I don’t know how to go about it as he turns it against me when I try to create a structure and limit his visits (with a degree of flexibility of course) to certain days in a week. I understand there is no rule or law that can be applied to this, it’s just figuring it out between us but I’d appreciate your opinion and feedback on this.

    re other issues mentioned above:

    * the Father raised the issue of bringing our son to Scotland. I am taking the advice about doing it later rather than sooner on board.

    The first overnight took place last week and will be commencing almost EOW I’d expect form what it looks now. When would it be ok for it to progress to 2 and 3 consecutive overnights with this set up?

    * when we were dating it was so short that I only travelled to Scotland about 4 times and he paid for the tickets for me. It doesn’t even matter I just agree with what Kathy said above – it’s not like I moved away from the Father. It was the set up form the beginning and he was aware of it when he put his name on the BC. I think it’s fair each of us pays for our own logistics related to our son.

    * the Father is capable of looking after the baby and is hands on. He feeds him with pre-cooked junk form the pouches rather than home-made food but that’s of course not a big issue I guess;)

    Thank you both so much for your time! Reading your replies really helps me and makes me think about it from another angle which is so helpful.

    X

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