Contact arrangements help

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  • #42665 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    Hi just seeking some advice please on contact arrangements. I am divorced but never put any arrangements legally in place. My ex husband has had my 7 year old son every weekend and sees him in week too . This has been last 3 years. But due to his controlling behaviour he doesn’t  always agree on times for dropping my son off or bringing him back. At first I just got used to the not knowing but now I am tired of the uncertainty.  I need to put something legal in place which shows the days and times he can have my son. Can anyone advise me on what steps to take. I am worried about costs involved .

    #42666 Report

    Belsey
    Participant

    Would going to mediation help to discuss this and to get something drawn up?

    #42667 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    Hi because he is so awkward atm I have tried to talk about contact but he won’t stick to anything . Really stressful for me

    #42669 Report

    Belsey
    Participant

    A good mediator might help as they will guide the conversation so an agreement is made. If it’s stuck to though is a different matter. I have found the mediator I have used to be really supportive; I can send you her details if you like.

    I have gone to mediation to formalise contact arrangements and the finances. We are in month two of the financial agreement and this is the second month the agreement hasn’t been adhered to so it’s back to mediation.

     

    #42670 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    If you could send me her details I could try contacting her . Thanks

    #42672 Report

    picklepie24
    Participant

    If you are unable to get anywhere with mediation the next step is a child arrangement order, my ex refused to attend mediation (you have to try before you can go to court unless there is a history of domestic abuse) so i put the forms in myself without any solicitor i think it was about £250.  Ours was all agreed at the first hearing and now i have the order in place he can’t pick up and drop off when he likes he’s also not allowed to my house we drop offs and pick ups in Asda carpark which is great, he’s also not allowed to contact me by phone unless it’s a child related emergency for everything else he has to email.

    #42676 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    There is history of domestic violence this is why I’m dubious on mediation. I’m willing to try but it’s whether he will and he will be happy when I’m having to pay the costs. Where do I get the forms to fill in and do you think I would need a solicitor to first write to him with what I want from contact or would it be a waste of money

    #42678 Report

    picklepie24
    Participant

    If there is domestic abuse you don’t have to even attempt mediation and can go straight to court, i attempted mediation even though there is a history of abuse but he twice claimed he knew nothing about and and hadn’t been contacted (does this all the time)  You can get the forms off http://www.gov.uk search child arrangement order or c100 it will come up.  Really easy to fill in and you can do it all on line.  When you go to court it’s you him and a cafcass officer who help you reach an agreement then you can have it signed off as a court order straight away, if you can’t agree you go for a second hearing and get direction from the judge if you still can’t reach an agreement the judge decides for you at a third hearing.  If he won’t discuss it with you and he won’t go to mediation it’s pointless sending a solicitors letter.  If you want to attempt mediation outside court first i think my initial meeting was about £100 then if he agrees to attend the next meeting you will split the costs between you equally.  You know yourself if there is any point to attempting mediation outside court, my ex has refused to speak a word to me for a couple of years because i dared to stand up for myself and leave so i knew he’d never agree to it.

    #42679 Report

    Belsey
    Participant

    Alison 11, I’ve sent you a PM with the mediator’s details.

    I experienced emotional abuse for years but didn’t see it at the time. It’s only now on reflection, re reading my journal and talking to friends and family about their observations that I see it.
    In mediation he declared he knew nothing of what went on, there was always excuses for his behaviour. I found mediation helpful as I think she saw through him and reminded him he and only he is accountable for his actions.

    #42680 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    Thanks for your help picklepie24 . It helps so much knowing others have gone through similar . Another thing to add is he has blocked me from his phone so no contact.  He bought my son a very cheap basic pay as u go phone last year so he could phone him. I didn’t mind but now he is ringing on it to speak to my son and not me. He then tells my son he will pick him up. I managed to take phone when my son on it and I said unless you speak directly to me you are not seeing our son as it’s ridiculous going through a child’s phone . So I feel atm until arrangements are in place I need to keep my son with me. I just end up feeling guilty doing it but otherwise it’s so stressful not knowing when he is back.

    #42681 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    Thanks belsey too for your help. Much appreciated xx. Going through any type of abuse is so hard and I can relate totally with you

    #42682 Report

    picklepie24
    Participant

    I have the same problem refuses to speak to me and asks the kids to ask me things, he phones our daughter and son all he time asking where she is, whats shes doing and now he’s asking her to put him on speaker phone all the time.  If i try to phone when they are with him they never answer, i just reply to messages if they contact me.  My ex although having admitted everything to my face continues to tell everyone everything is all my fault and i took his kids from him etc, etc. now i have been to court to get our house sold he’s threatening to buy a house 3 doors down from me if he does i’m going to have to leave.

    #42683 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    I think they will always seem to say everything is our fault. It’s just so wrong to go through the kids. I  put up with it for so long that now my son is getting like him..calling me names sometimes..saying I’m a bad mum..repeating things his dad says about me and I never say anything bad to him bout his dad. I get the same if I ring when he with his dad. .he won’t answer phone. This is why I got to sort contact out and for now keep my son with me until his dad realises none of this is right

    #42684 Report

    picklepie24
    Participant

    It’s all about control, my ex just won’t let go even though i left him over 5 years ago.  Anything he can do which he thinks will cause me upset he does from messaging me on dating sites, even trying to strike up a conversation with me on here (i know it’s him i can tell by the language he uses) to tailgating me home after every drop off,  whichever way i go he follows me.  I’ve had to change all my passwords because i think he’s got into my emails.  Its just exhausting dealing with this crap all the time. Legally I’ve done pretty much all i can for the moment, I have resigned myself to having to deal with this crap forever

    #42685 Report

    Alison 11
    Participant

    God I feel your pain so much . Our stories are so similar . It really is exhausting and I just want you to know I’m here for you if you need a chat .  Can’t believe he even goes as low as going on dating sites you on . The problem is they never meet anyone and if they do this cycle will start again for whoever they meet. You won’t have to deal with it forever. .I know it’s easy to say but the more support you have the stronger you become . Xx

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)

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