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  • #43749 Report

    Hey there

    Reaching out for..

    Any advice on how to Co parent with an narcisst?

    And how do you avoid being consumed by there ways and being able to focus on quality time when your with your child and being able to build a life again.

    Thanks in advance x

    #43756 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    hello,

    sorry to trash your hopes but my experience is, there is no classic co-parenting possible. All we have is a schedule which she constantly tries to alter/change/override, random things we can agree on if it benefits her but even then, rules are not for the narcissist, so you always have to be aware of shortcuts or slight alterations of which of course you are responsible for as you are anyway for everything that goes wrong.

    Parent evenings are a showcase for how wonderful/ intelligent / thoughtful she is and my contributions are usually in the one digit quantity of words bandwidth, which is why I have started to have separate parent evenings now.

    Punctuality is something for the plebs and not for her but never ever be one minute late yourself.

    If you have arranged something, for example a dinner with the eldest son’s girlfriend and her parents, you found a convenient date for all of you and everybody has agreed via text. And then 24 hours before, the table is booked, everything set in stone for three weeks, she wants to change the date without giving a reason. That when you have a nice dinner with your son’s girlfriend and her parents without the other parent. But you will enjoy it probably more this way anyway.

    This could go on and on forever. It is like it is and it will never change. There are some gems within which will show you how it could be if the constellation of mars, Jupiter and moon is optimal but that is just like winning the lottery. You will enjoy it when it happens but you wouldn’t bank on it. And that is the whole thing with a narcissist. Never ever bank on him. Always be self-sufficient. Then nothing bad can really happen and you just shut the door and be happy.

    It is bad sometimes for the children but they learn to live with it like all the family has to. It is like an incurable disease. It happens in the best of families. We are still family and will always be. Just a little different from others.

    #43770 Report

    Thanks Sirtorbi I thought as much 🙁 it is so draining at times.

    How did you move on and become self <b>- </b>sufficient and not let it consume you? And your time with your children.

    Thanks for your time x

    #43772 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    hello,

    when your are living with a narcissist you are living in someone else’s shadow. Everything was centred around her and all I did was catering for her every need and tried not to be punished for not getting it right. Me and the children were tiptoeing around and living our lives the way she wanted us to be and getting dressed down every once in a while. I just stopped arguing because it was easier just to do what she said. I mean it is everything, what you eat, how you dress, what music you hear, I wasn’t allowed to listen to the radio for example, what you cook, how you speak and generally what you do and how you do it. And all with hours of screaming and shouting and verbal abuse when something goes wrong in her mind or just something went wrong because things go wrong sometimes. Constantly with the back against the wall and never ever a thank you and I don’t think she knows how to pronounce the word sorry, I have never heard it from her in 20 years. So everybody knows you are sh*t and in the end you are. But I had a purpose in life, keeping the peace, taking the flak and protecting the kids.

    When it was over, I had to find out who I was. Literally, that I was a person who deserved to live, that my purpose in life wasn’t to be a doormat for someone else. Took a while and the worst was how the children couldn’t adjust and just couldn’t cope with me living my life. Even though it was my house, she ruled the roost still. What will mom say and how will she react was constant talk. Everything I did was scrutinized and everyone waited for the big failure to come. It took about two years until the worst was over. I guess I was lucky. Now I have some respect from the kids and they compare what I have achieved in those four years since and who was always there in time, never missed a single appointment, was never late to pick them up and kept all his promises, ok most of them.

    What I did. I deleted all social media. I completely stopped any interest in her life. I didn’t look at her phone when she showed me things or entered her house if it wasn’t for the kids. I kept her at arms length always and when she started to undress in front of me, I just turned round. As stated in the other post, three-word sentences and do not engage in any discussion if no third party is present. Be prepared to do everything alone and never trust anything that is said. If it works, fine but expect it not to. Give up all hope of redemption and just cut the loses. Give up the hope of ever becoming an equal: you are an end to means and it will never change. Once you really can let go you won’t be afraid to be disappointed and to disappoint. And then slowly but steadily you will find out, you are not as bad, nobody can be that bad, you will learn to trust yourself and even start loving yourself. But it takes time and you have to be patient. Especially with the kids. They need to learn to know that other you too. And they will love it too.

    I had one short fling which was a disaster, the kids couldn’t cope and she was very unstable. Apart from that, as a man with kids you are on your own. A little sex here and there but that is it. So nothing you can learn from me there.

    It will work out in the end because the other persons power ends at your door. Inside here I set the rules, together with the kids and whatever we decide will be done. Her fantasies don’t bother us any more and hypocrite is our little ones most favourite word when she starts setting us tasks because he knows, she can’t do it herself. She has her good sides and when we need her, we use them. But we can’t just wait for her to change. It will never happen.

     

    #43776 Report

    I think you ve done extremely well to get to where you’ve got too, it is not easy by any stretch and the only people that get it are the ones that have been through it themselves. It is hard not to feel bitter when they have took so much from you but on reflection perharps make us stronger in the end, I’d like to think so anyway.

    Thankyou for given me hope, in getting to the place your at.

    I think you will met someone at the right time x

    #43781 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hi sunshine,

    Thank you. Yes, it isn’t easy and doing the groundwork was grinding, lonely and came with a lot of tears, self doubt and more than one set back. I was lucky having good friends, being self-employed helped as well and I wasn’t going to end it all on her terms. So I took it by the hour, the day, the week and then months. There is a time for everything was my mantra. And I learned to take responsibility for not walking away sooner. I kept it going and I allowed it to happen to me and the kids. I was a huge part of this and I made it work for so long. I love her still and I guess that will last much longer but that isn’t an excuse. I just didn’t take responsibility. There were many points when I should have walked away. I can look back now and see what my part was in it. I am not proud of this and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

    There is a way out and you need to set boundaries. Live by your means and just trust yourself. You can do it alone. That was how it worked for me. I know I can’t win a single argument against her but that doesn’t matter any more because it is pointless now. I don’t need to. I am good and I am worth a lot. I fell in love with someone who doesn’t actually exists. When I found out, I didn’t cut my losses. I was a fool and have to admit that to myself.

    Anyway that is why I ended up here. I know there are quite a few of us and as a survivor I want to share and give hope.

    I hope there will be someone one day. But I am not desperate. My friend from Bristol comes over tonight, 260 miles on his motorcycle and we will have a good weekend with the boys and fantasy football and bowling.and walking down the promenade. Cooking and laughing together. Do I really need a woman in my life?

    #43808 Report

    Hi Sirtorbi,

    I can relate and know this you have made a lonely girl smile today 🙂 knowing you have reach a point you can laugh and our saving graces our friends and family that is priceless support and the ones that step up to the plate, can’t fault you!

     Enjoy your weekend 🙂

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