Constantly Defensive

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    Every situation is unique my daughter is 10 months old and up until recently I’ve refused to be in contact with her father (nothing to do with her he is free to see her as often as he likes) because he threatened me during my pregnancy and caused me such horrendous upset I vowed not to have contact with him as I didn’t want our daughter to ever witness it and think it was ok to treat anyone or be treated this way. After mediation carried out in separate rooms we came to an agreement that I would speak to him to offer him help in bonding with our daughter. He completely forgot he was seeing her the Monday before last and turned up almost an hour late and then cancelled his Wednesday visit on Tuesday night so he could go out with his girlfriend.

    I raised my concern and was completely fair and polite even though I was annoyed and he’s completely defended his actions to a point where I’m now questioning if thats something that is totally acceptable and I have no reason to be annoyed but I feel that not only is he not putting our daughter first he’s choosing a social life over her. He’s only been in her life for 5 months so I can’t get my head around why he would want to rearrange time spent with her to go out and also completely forget her! He’s over reacted in his usual way but also tried to make me believe that I’m the one over reacting just by mentioning it. He was really manipulative during our relationship so I’m now confused thinking I’m the one in the wrong for saying what was bothering me and would love an outside opinion


    #11931 Report


    Well, he isn’t in your daughter’s life, so his life hasn’t changed in the way yours has. You see things completely centred around your daughter (obviously and rightly). It’s like he’s got a part-time job one day a fortnight and always turns up late wearing his slippers. It’s not the centre of his life and he’s not wholly committed. You could look at it that he needs time to see how important she could be to his life by bringing so much to it (perhaps when she’s older, not in nappies, and more relatable?). Personally, that wouldn’t suit me as a Daddy.

    You could argue he was a bad choice to be having a child with in the first place, so you can’t be too surprised or disappointed. But you have got a child now, who you love and care for, and that’s what you’re committed to. If he isn’t, no one loses more than him, but he may not see that until he’s on his death bed even!

    If it gets to the point where you make plans and he doesn’t show, then you can withhold access until you’ve had further mediation or he takes you to court – then you can make your position clear that he has to do what he says he will.

    The one thing you shouldn’t do is rise to the bait. Just tell him it’s wrong, and if it gets bad, say he can’t see her until his priorities are sorted. But don’t let him see you get frustrated or angry. Just say it and leave it with him to think about.

    All the best.

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