CONSTANT LIES AND PLAYING GOD WITH MY CHILD PLEASE HELP ME
3 August 2019 at 10:34 pm #28718
<span style=”font-size: 18.9px;”>Hi. I am looking for some advice as I’m not really sure where to turn next. I am a 28 year old dad my little boy has just turned 2. Me and his mom are married but have been separated for the last 18 months. So much has happened in this time I honestly don’t know where I stand and what to do. I have so many questions. Giving some background information and an insight into the last 18 months or so, our separation was down to constant arguments – my wife wanted to give our marriage another go but I was just sick of her lies and poison over the years and it was myself that ended it. I moved back in with my parents which is about an hour away, and within days my wife arranged all the paperwork for me to sign over the house to her. We rented for years and eventually bought a house and got a mortgage but unfortunately her nan passed away and left her a sum which was enough to pay of the house. When we separated and I left I literally took my clothes, my fishing tackle and my tv – absolutely everything else, everything we had ever bought and even things that my family had bought for us my wife kept. I wasn’t even allowed to take a games console that my wife had bought me as she said her parents had bought it and she was yet to take them back. I work in retail and work shifts so every day always before or after work and my days off I would always be back at the house spending as much time with our son as possible, which my ex had no problem with. She was able to get some rest whilst I looked after him – providing I was at the house or stayed local with him. I suggested that some nights that I stop in the spare room so I could help in the night with our son when he was up which my ex did agree to however most of the times it ended up in arguments as she didn’t feel it was right so after a few trials that was stopped. It got made difficult for me to take him home to my parents as my ex never liked the idea of it and wanted to be in control where I took him and felt like it was also trying to spite my parents – my ex always had an issue with her believing that my parents should of come down more often and not us going there. My parents have a leonburger (large dog) she’s as gentle as anything and as daft as a brush but my ex told me that there was a “safe guarding issue” and this was said to me a number of times, our son has been bought up with a Labrador and is use to dogs there has never been an issue. My ex is a teacher and when she went back to work part time I arranged my shifts at work to work every weekend so i could have two weekdays off. Most of the time this worked ok but if my ex was off on one of my week days off I wasn’t able to have my son for that day – I would just get told I could come down later that day when she was ready. There was also times where she said her mom had already got plans with our son and again couldn’t have him on my day off. There was even times when my ex told me she was off work and in actual fact she was in work and had left our son with her mom – I know this as I drove past her work and her car would be there.</span>
After a few months mx ex decided to sell the house. Without properly speaking to me about it properly, she bought a brand new house through red row which also further away from my parents, adding an additional hour to my overall journey. There was just under 60k worth of equity in the house and I never seen a penny of it. Buying the new house also resulted in my ex taking out a mortgage which from what she told me she got the maximum amount she could borrow which by doing this she had to go back to work full time. She could of stopped in a mortgage free house and stayed at work part time to have as much time as possible with our son but she opted to do this. When I spoke to her about the equity in the house I was told that I was entitled to nothing – that it was my choice to leave. At the time I went along with this, I didn’t want more arguments in front of our son but now I feel that I have been massively screwed over. Even after she had moved out there was an outstanding gas and electric bill of just over £500 from the house which that bill was still in my name and I even agreed to pay half of it as it was overdue and needed paying.
With my son now living an hour and a half away from me which if I took him home for the day meant pretty much 6 hours worth of driving for me, collecting him bringing him back, taking him back to his mom and then coming back home again (I was told I wasn’t able to have him over night as he was to young) I moved to the area and started renting. I was on a very basic salary and couldn’t afford rent, bills, maintenance and debt that I had come out with (which was double figures and There was debt both sides) and I was offered a job with another company. It paid a lot more and meant I finished at 5pm every day (no late shifts) but the down side was it was Monday – Friday and half a day Saturday which I knew would cause problems but stupidly hoped it wouldn’t. So firstly even though my ex decided to sell up, take on a mortgage and have to go back to work full time to pay for this (in which I was told from my ex that this was in our sons best interest) I was told that it was my choice to lose my weekdays with our son that it was my loss, that it’s up to her when I see him and I work around her. I have also been told that apparently her solicitor has told her that all I am entitled to is one hour an evening with our son, a few weeks later she trips herself up in lies and tells me I’m entitled to two hours a night and her friends are telling her that they are gobsmacked that she is letting me even have that much time with our son and that it’s not fair on her because she can’t move on with her life.
Following on from this the time I got with my son was all based on her say so. Most of the time she never had an issue with me coming down straight from work and either playing with him or taking him out for an hour and I did most days – the issue was having him for a full day. After many arguments they only think my ex would settle on was one Sunday a month and one half Saturday a month. Putting that into perspective that’s 12 full days in a year and is obviously no where near enough for any parent. In-between all this my ex is still making this as difficult as possible, telling lies etc. Some examples of some of the things she’s done to lie and make things deliberately as difficult as possible
Our sons first birthday we agreed we would take him to peppa pig world and this was planned months in advance but had made out to friends and family that she was going on her own and I had decided last minute to come, she had even told my sister this – I’m being made to look like I wasn’t overly bothered.
Our sons birthday is the 29th of the month, I had booked off the 31st of that month which I had agreed with my ex so that I could bring him to my parents and the rest of my family would come over so we could all spend the day with him – she had told my sister that it was either the first or the second of the following month that I had booked off knowing that my sister needed to book the time off work. My ex knew exactly what date we had agreed
My birthday last year – there was a holiday that was booked at centre parks the week before my birthday. My ex still went with our son and her parents however when it got closer to the date she told me that it was booked and had always been booked over my birthday so therefore i wouldn’t be able to see him for it. I obviously wasn’t happy with this and knew this wasn’t the case snd it had been changed deliberately. She then made out that her parents didn’t think this was fair so it was changed – they still didn’t come back until the day of my birthday on the afternoon, resulting in me losing that day with my son.
My Nan who lives with my parents was extremely poorly. I had asked my ex if I could take our son down to see her the following day and I was told that on the current day I had message her she was going out for the day snd it would be dependent on how he was the following day and would not commit to allowing me to take him. That evening an ambulance was called my Nan was taken into hospital. I called my ex at 9.30am the next morning and asked if it was still ok to take our soon as my Nan was due to come back home around 2pm and knew how much it would mean to her seeing him. I was told he had only just got up and it wasn’t a problem, however, she wanted him back for 4pm so she could watch the World Cup final with him. I told her this wasn’t possible as we would have to leave by 2:30pm to be back in time, meaning my Nan would only see him for 30 minutes and that’s if she wasn’t discharged late. My ex isn’t a football fan either. I was told that he could still see my Nan and they could bring her down and see him. My Nan has cancer and heart failure, she passed away 6 months later. I ended up not taking our son knowing how upset my Nan would of been if she knew she would only have a maximum of half an hour with him.
There are just a very few examples of what I’m up against and what happened in that time. Once I had moved to the area (5 minutes away from where my son lives) I was still unable to have him overnight. Again, the answer was that he was to young. Most of my times swing my son was still just the one hour or so on the evening after work. I was able to see him some weekends when it wasn’t my one Sunday or half Saturday a month however I would have to wait for a message from my ex to let me know when she was back. I could never make plans as I would never be given a time and not wanting to miss out on potential time with my son I rarely made plans I case I had a message to say I was able to see him. I fully believe my ex knew what she was doing and seems to enjoy being able to control when I can snd can’t see him. Towards last Christmas the tenancy was up in the flat I was renting was up and work was being carried out so I was unable to renew so ended up moving into a 3 bedroom house. I had a room made for my son; bought a new bed etc in the hope now he could stay with me, by this point he was about 15 months old. Again I was told exactly the same answer as the previous times. I’m desperate to be able to have my son over night and the decision in every time lies with my ex and it’s not even up for discussion, just a simple no and having to accept my one full day a month with him… how is this fair?! Again approaching Christmas my ex tells me that she’s booked to take our son on holiday again with her parents, only this time it wasn’t centre parks, she had booked Disney land Paris taking him on an aeroplane. This was just booked and had no consent from myself, she just told me she was going. I am completely unsure where I stand on this because my ex has always been fully aware and known my thoughts of our son going on an aeroplane at such a young age and knows I wouldn’t have wanted him to go. We had the arguments about it and I said I wasn’t happy however I would never begrudge our son going on holiday and missing out but she should of spoken to me about it. Again, I was told I lost my rights when I left and she does not have to ask my permission to go on holiday. Again this where I am at a loss because she can book to take our son out of the country however I can’t have him overnight or am able to book anywhere with him… is this right?… is doesn’t seem fair in anyway shape or form, all it looks like to me is mx ex can take him anywhere she wants when ever she wants in or out if the country but won’t allow me too…. not only had she taken him out of the country but she had done so over the new year too which the company I worked for, for the first time ever In my working life I had actually got Christmas and new year off as it was closed from 23rd of December to the 2nd January. Christmas Day and Boxing Day I was only able to visit him on the mornings and my ex had made plans for the rest of the day on both days and we both agreed that Christmas Day wasn’t fair for him to be travelling. I had him then the 27th and was able to celebrate Christmas with him with my side of the family, Then he was away then until, I went back to work. Unfortunately a few weeks before Christmas I had to move back in with my parents as I was struggling to afford everything and my contract had been delayed being made permanent and knew that the chances were I wasn’t going to be kept on so I had to make the decision to move back home. That was proved to be right however i went back to the company that I originally worked for but In a different store and they have been fantastic with me with my shifts, giving me two week days off and working the weekends. I had around a 6 week gap from coming out of one job and going into another which was great as I got to spend a hell of a lot of time more time with my son. All of a sudden when I knew I was going to be working for the company I use to work for and I told my ex this, also letting her know that I’d be able to have my days off in the week and could work every weekend (which meant her mom wouldn’t have to have our son every day) this was a problem. I was told that this was taking our son out of a routine which wasn’t fair (even though a few months prior I was being told by my ex that it wasn’t fair on her mom to be having our son on a full time basis) and it also meant that she wouldn’t be able to get any work done on weekends for her teaching as it meant she would be having him every weekend – and after being told that I could only have him one Sunday a month and one half Saturday a month, now my ex is asking me if I can work alternative weekends and I can have our soon every other weekend. Why all of a sudden is she willing to lose every other weekend?…..
Just before Easter I found out my ex was now seeing someone. I have no idea how long they have been seeing each other but her business is her business and could only fully trust that she would still only ever put our son first. On Easter I noticed a gift bag that was to our son which read happy Easter little man love from her partner and family. Obviously my stomach sank and straight away wondered if our son had been introduced to her new partner and family. I didn’t let on to my Ex that I knew and didn’t want to either as she would only lie her way out of it. In those Easter holidays she had booked to go away with her mom to centre parks again with our son. Again same old story, she can book anywhere, anytime but I can’t do anything. When they returned from holiday my ex called me late on the afternoon to let me know that they were back. I asked where our son was and she replied that her mom had just taken him inside and she was at her moms, however it sounded like I was on speaker through her car and I could also hear the indicators. My gut feeling straight away was she was of to see her new partner and fearing she would be willing to let our son stop overnight with her parents. Instead of me picking our son up first thing the following morning she didn’t want me to come until 10.30am. The following morning I got down there extremely early. I drove past her house and her car was on her drive, just hers no one else’s. i though I’d completely overthought it however I then had a text message from her saying she was at her moms and to meet her by there for 11am. I went past her house again yet her car was still there. I headed towards her moms to wait for her and then received a phone call from her at 11am to say they had all decided to walk the dog and she would be a little later. For one it was poring down with rain and secondly after this phone call I drove past her parents and again her car was not there. I parked back up by her parents positioning the car so I would see her drive past towards her parents and when she did our son was not in the car. She had lied to me about where our son was, lied to me about being late because they walked the dog because she had left him with her parents overnight and was obviously later back and had tried to lie to me to cover up. If she had been leaving our son with her parents over night, knowing how desperate I am to have him and not even ask me how on earth is this fair? And I have no idea if she had done this before but what I did want to know is if it was a regular thing but made sure my ex didn’t think I was suspicious in anyway so I carried on as normal.
Three days later I was due to have our son for the day and the evening before I messaged her to confirm what time to pick him up. I had a reply saying she was stopping at her moms as she had parents evening and got back late and asked me to meet her by her moms again. I checked on her school website which shows any events that were happening and it didn’t show anything for parents evening so of course I was suspicious. Again first thing that morning I headed down to my ex’s house and again her car was on the drive only this time her partners car was on the drive to. I headed down towards her moms and parked in the same place again. I had a phone call from her asking where I was around an hour later and had told her I was parked up which she would know that she would of passed me coming towards her moms. She then went on to tell me she had gone back home that morning as she forgot Alfie’s swimming costume and was on her way back. I knew for sure now that she was leaving our son with her parents overnight but wasn’t allowing me. How can she play god like this, how is this fair? When I dropped our son off to her back at her house she had finished work I asked her again about me being able to have our son overnight and again I got the same answer. He wasn’t old enough still.. i then told her I knew what she had done that day, that I knew she had left him overnight with her parents and she had lied to me. She said she had only left him once but I told her I knew about what happened when she come back off holiday too. This obviously took her back she even tried to tell me that she had asked me to have our son overnight and I had said no.. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from her. Lies lies and more lies. She had also made clear that our son had never been introduced to her new partner and she wouldn’t any time soon and that she always puts our son first.
From this I was able to start having our son overnight and my work were absolutely fantastic with me, allowing me to do an early shift finishing at 3pm on a Wednesday before my day off which gives me enough time to pick him up and bring him home keeping my shifts the same and consistent having a Monday off also and being an,d to have that full day with him also. At first my ex only wanted me to have him one night and then a few more weeks until the next one but no chance was I letting this happen. It started off one night a week and has since moved to two nights a week. My son is so settled when he’s with me, he sleeps through a solid 12 hours and now has a proper routine with his dad which I am over the moon with, however why has it come to this? Why has It had to take for me to prove my ex is a compulsive liar and to catch her out for me to be able to have my son over night. How is this putting our son first?
So for the last few months I’ve been able to have my son 2 nights a week most weeks and things had seemed to be going ok. There’s still been times where my ex had deliberately tried to make things difficult for me, mainly family birthdays where I’ve been messed around with times on when and where to meet her and ended up late but I’m use to this happening now and plan for it to happen. She had told me that she was looking at centre parks again to take our son away but wasn’t sure on a date yet. A month or so down the line I asked her if she had booked anywhere yet so I knew when our son would be away and she said that it was all booked but sort of left it at that snd tried to move the conversation on. I asked where she had booked and said she had booked for her and Alfie to go to Lanzarote for a week and she was taking him with her fiends from work. So.. she never even spoke to me about taking him abroad…again… she’s just booked it no questions asked. Where do I stand on this? As for as I’m aware she has to have my consent to take him out of the country on holiday. It’s been booked and has never once been mentioned to me about the possibility of taking him abroad. Obviously I would never begrudge my son going away but taking him when it’s one if not the hottest month of the year I have my concerns. Me personally I wouldn’t and won’t take him abroad until he’s a good few years older but that’s my opinion.
So on the back of this a few weeks later another lie crops up when I’m due to pick up our son. Again I was due to pick him up from my ex’s house and on the way down I get a phone call from her asking to meet by her parents. She told me that she had got problems with her car and there was all error lights coming on so her step dad had traveled down first thing that morning to collect him and she was following so she could take her car to the garage afterwards. Firstly her car is less then a year old and is on some form of scheme like the previous cars she’s had so if there was a problem the company would take the car away and give her a courtesy car. Secondly I was suppose to pick him up from hers anyway so why did her dad supposedly need to come down to collect my son? She told me to call her when I was five minutes away. When I rang her she told me to meet in the same place again and she would come down, it’s never right outside her parents it’s always a few minutes away so it always means her having to get our son in a car to have to get him out again to get in with me. I told her I would just pick him up outside her moms as she had got problems with her car. Now all of a sudden the car was ok to drive as the tyres just needed air but still needed to go to the garage and she was just getting him in the car. It was nearly half an hour before she shown up with him. On top of that it was pouring down with rain and the only item of clothing my son had on was a nappy, no clothes at all. I can only guess that again he was left over night, which if that was the case I would of been able to have had him that previous evening and he could of then stopped the two nights with me, and that she had rushed down to pick him up, was late out and he wasn’t ready so she had rushed to get him in the car as I had been waiting for that amount of time. Unfortunately I didn’t drive past her parents that time so I don’t know if she was even there when she said she was. This was within 3 days of our sons 2nd birthday. 2-3 months previous we had booked the tickets to take him back to peppa pig world again so we could both enjoy and share the day with him. His birthday fell on a Monday so it had been previously agreed that I would have him the Saturday so my side of the family could celebrate his birthday with him I would then drop him bs k to his mom first thing Sunday morning so she could spend the day with her family with him. I would then pick both my son and his mom up early Monday morning for us all to go to peppa pig world for his birthday. When I dropped him back the Sunday morning as usual I met his mom 5 mins from her parents. All of a sudden out of the blue she said that she didn’t think it was a good idea for us both to take our son out on his birthday. She said that it was confusing for him and it had upset her the previous year seing parents together with their kids and didn’t believe this was fair. I had said that this wasn’t fair on Alfie and didn’t see a problem with both parents taking out their son for his special day. If we couldn’t do it then when could we? Her reply was that we wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe it. She was adamant we wasn’t all going snd said that the day would have to be split and I could have him from around 3pm. I asked if the day had to be split if I could have him overnight as from 3pm onwards the days gone. She agreed to this but wanted more time and for me to come down around 5pm. Picking him up in rush our would mean a solid hour and a half getting him home and would be in bed by 8.30pm leaving me with 2 hours of time with my son. She said she would try her hardest and get back earlier but would ring me to let me know she was on her way back giving me enough notice to leave and get to hers. Travelling back home the day before his birthday after dropping him off all I could wonder is why she had all of a sudden change what we had planned. There was no mention of me coming to see our son as soon as he got up on his birthday, it was like she had plans already. I already had a hotel booked that evening close to her home as I didn’t want to travel down to hers so early so i opted to go back down later that evening to find out yet again if she was lying to me. I past her house late on the eve before Alfie’s birthday and low and behold her partners car was on the drive. Going by what she had told me, our son and him have never been introduced. I hoped that the next morning before I knew our son was up that his car would be gone. I asked her for some pictures of him which she sent. Once she did I then went past her house again and his car was still there. My heart absolutely sank. Some stranger was spending the morning with my son on his birthday. I had asked my ex what she had planned for his birthday and she said she was taking him swimming, lunch and then soft play and that she would send me some pictures. About an hour or so after seeing her partners car still there I drove back up to see if he was still there. On the way up I passed my ex. Her partner was driving her car and my son was also in the car, leaving his car on her drive and they were heading away from town. I was and I am still absolutely livid. What gives her the right to cancel the plans we had made with our son for his birthday, to then allow my son to wake up with a complete stranger, who is also diving him about to then spend the whole day with. My ex didn’t send me any pictures that day, the only pictures I got was of him with his presents and one fast asleep in his chair so I couldn’t see where she had taken him. When I asked her she said she hadn’t taken any of him. Then to top the day off it got to 3 o clock and I hadn’t heard anything from her so I set off, she rang me at 4 o clock to tell me she was back home. Giving her partner plenty of time to get his things and leave before I got there. By the time we got home I got to spend 2 hours with him before he was in bed and asleep. How can she be allowed to do what shes done. What gives her the right to take that away from me? How was this in our sons best interest? How was this fair on our son? How is this less confusing for him?
I told my ex I knew what had happened the day after his birthday and she hasn’t said a word to me since. I am now wondering about the holiday abroad she is taking him on which is in less then 3 weeks. Again I’ve no idea where I stand with this. Has she booked to take our son away with her partner and she is lying to me? We share joint parental responsibility can she lie to me about who she is taking our son away with? If she is taking him away my son would also be in this persons care, I’ve never met him and as far as I was made aware my son had never met him either. Bearing in mind she had never asked me in the first place, Is she even taking him at all and leaving him with her parents whilst she goes away? Yet she still might genuinely be taking him with her friends but based on the lies I constantly get of course I’m going to wonder.
I really don’t know where to go from here and I am absolutely sick of her playing god with our son. I am devastated with what she has done with his birthday and I do not want this to happen again.5 August 2019 at 11:07 am #28752
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. You sound very upset. It could be that getting some clarity around your legal rights with contact may help you to process this situation.
• Child Law advice service https://childlawadvice.org.uk/ – they provide legal advice on family law issues related to children, so if you have questions about contact arrangements they have information on their website about this and a helpline staffed by legal specialists 0300 330 5480
This other agency may be able to give you some support around you as a parent.
• Family Lives provide general support to families on issues around parenting, emotional support and just generally coping as a parent https://www.familylives.org.uk/ 0808 800 2222
I hope some of this helps and I wish you well for the future, Justine