Throughout our separation/ divorce I have been concerned about what my ex is saying to my little one.
I am aware that my ex has said things such as “mummy and daddy were married. Daddy has tried to fix it but mummy doesn’t want to” or “daddy wants us to be a family but mummy doesn’t” or today’s one “I want mummy to be with us too but she doesn’t want to’ . I am not sure what I can do. I am really worried about what it is doing to her.
i have asked him to stop but he doesn’t see it being wrong. She was so upset this morning.
You have a valid point here and the message I would try to bring across to the father would be, you may be upset and you may want things to be different but you are only making things worse for our child if you enforce her wishes if you know it won’t happen. It doesn’t matter what you think is right or wrong. I explained that quite often to our son as well. There are reasons behind mum and dad not being together any more, nothing to do with you and as long as those reasons are still there, we can’t live together as a family any more but we are still family, just living apart and we will always be your parents and always be there for you. You probably can’t change her father’s behaviour,. Try to come up with something that gets the child out of the hole. It worked with our children and they get older and wiser. But if one parent really wants to be disruptive, it is hard, I know.
The best advice I can give is to ignore it. He may be doing it to provoke you, so try not to rise to it or anything he says. My ex has done this for the last 10 years and I realised this is the only way to deal with it, don’t give him the attention.
It doesn’t matter which of you instigated the split. All that matters is both parents are there for the child where possible. When you feel it’s appropriate, you can explain the reasons why you split up. 😀
I would also ignore it, when my kids used to come home and ask why i didn’t live with daddy i just used to say it’s because we aren’t friends anymore, even when our son came home one day and called me a **** because he said ‘that’s what daddy calls you’ i ignored it. They were both too young to notice how abusive he was to me and I’ve told my older two not to tell them. When they’re a lot older if they want to know the real reason why the police took him away, why we left with only a few bags of clothes and toys and why the five of us slept on the floor for two weeks huddled together under blankets with no furniture i’ll tell them.
If he really sees no sense, ignoring and just making the answers up on the go is indeed the best advice. He is hurting the child and not you. It is not your fault. Don’t take responsibility for it. Our son sometimes is completely agitated from all he hears. Keep it simple, change the subject and do not take responsibility for someone elses actions.