20 June 2018 at 10:35 pm #12428
20 June 2018 at 10:49 pm #12429
- Hi, new to the site and forum. I’m finding it hard to communicate and move forward with my child’s father. He moved out last August, after my many requests of ‘Improve the relationship or it’s time for separate ways’ since 2015. Our relationship had already been fragile, his character very much egotistical, mine quite low esteem & wanting to please & feel loved. Cut a long story short, we moved in together in 2013, I noticed signs of a disrespectful, controlling & for him a convenient relationship before I became pregnant in 2014, I never had the support i expected of a good partner or father to be but decided I would still go ahead with putting plans on place for my new family. Our daughter was born, that was it…I was a single mum at the start of a very tough journey! My child’s father already has children from previous relationships but decided that he would just be a spectator to the arrival of our child. He was not hands on, never took the initiative to create a father-daughter bond or get involved in a consistent, normal father duties – I just carried on, raising our child alone whilst he just simply ‘lived with us’ like a flatmate. Currently, he is making it clear that we are not & never were important to him. He calls our daughter when he feels like it & expects a big conversation- she is only nearly 4! I have decided that visits at my flat are not working, I’m being taken for granted & the situation was just for his convenience, no benefit to my daughter apart from her being happy to see her father. I have decided that contact centre is the only way my daughter will get a routine way of seeing her father & them getting to know each other before I feel the confidence of her having ‘independent’ contact with him. I have been honest with my daughter’s father about this but he hasn’t responded with an agreement & didn’t turn up to the pre-visit session. I feel that he is involved with someone else but isn’t being open about this, he calls our daughter when he feels like it & has made a number of ‘false promises’ to her & not bothered to carry them out. I don’t have trust in him from his slap-dash attitude,I’m not prepared to see my daughter being let down time after time, I’m only comfortable with contact centre access at the moment but struggling with the communication between myself & her father.
Not sure if this is a question. But I would suggest you cut contact for the time being until he comes round to the idea of communicating and then you can sit down and negotiate your point of view.
All the best.20 June 2018 at 11:16 pm #12430
Thanks for your reply. I guess my question is ‘what next?’ He has accused me of stopping him seeing his daughter. He messaged me saying that he would pick her up and spend ‘father & daughter time’ with her last sunday, I advised him that we already had plans on this day. He did not mention where he would be spending time with her or with who…I’m suspicious due to his on & off behaviour with our daughter. Also, I’ve been asking him to remove the rest of his belongings from my flat since Nov last year but he’s either just refusing to spite me or just doesn’t care who is hurting in this situation.
I’m so exhausted, from getting nowhere 🙁20 June 2018 at 11:27 pm #12431
Just stop his access until you get some issues resolved. Offer him mediation.21 June 2018 at 12:39 am #12433
I stopped contact at my home, visits were becoming sporadic, unplanned – most of the time I got a message on my mobile a few minutes before saying ‘on my way’, most of the time his messages were addressed to our daughter, who doesn’t read mobile phones at her age…I felt this was already a way of showing disrespect towards me. The visits were becoming later in the evening, so no benefit of quality ‘father-daughter’ time & he wasn’t interested in being involved in her bedtime routine. The times I did suggest outdoor quality time for him & daughter were met with excuses from him & him turning up late just for simple local park visits, the interest wasn’t there.
I looked at contact centre as a last resort after his phone contact with our daughter became slap-dash & him actually telling her he would take her out or see her but not keeping to this & not even informing me. As harsh as my change in contact may seem, I have parental responsibility for our daughter, she is starting school in sept, I have to pick up the pieces of her disappointment & heartbreak every time. Whether he is doing it to get at me, I have to do what’s best for her, it’s the only routine way I could think of until she’s a bit older, and until things settle down between him & me. He can still see her but just don’t think upset in my & my daughter’s home is healthy, we’re already trying to deal with the separation itself.21 June 2018 at 10:51 am #12448
Thanks for your suggestions, some of them are workable.
When & if he makes contact about next seeing our daughter I will see if contact can be agreed fairly as possible between us, with our daughter’s wellbeing in mind.
I agree that contact centres are not very warm places, that’s why I said it was my last resort from this situation, just fed up with trying to organise contact with disappointing results for my daughter most of the time.