Co-parenting issues and feeling lied to

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Akay.
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  • #61962 Report

    Singleparent101
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been a single parent for getting on almost 4 years.

    Throughout this time co-parenting has been incredibly difficult, frustrating, anxiety ridden, emotionally draining etc etc.  The amount of “small lies” that have mounted up has been hideous to be blunt.

    I have always done my upmost to be the bigger person and never ever used my child as a bargaining tool. Its been a very hard to handle situation at times and part of me questions hugely if he really truly cares about his child, as his priorities have been all over the shop.

    I’ve had to get solicitors involved this year which really took its toll and I used savings from inheritance my dad had for me to help me fight for what should be a basic want to see your child. There was only so much of seeing my child consistently upset and emotionally damaged from his fathers inconsistency I could take. So I took action.

    He also owes me a large amount in maintenance arrears that were missed due to him being unemployed, or so he told me. I later found out he had been earning but apparently it ” wasn’t enough to pay me anything”. Baring in mind this was whilst he had no overhead costs like trying to run a home, feed and clothe a child and everything else that comes with the responsibility of raising them. Its the frank conversations we have had where he has sworn to me he had no money that makes me beyond angry.

    I’ve got CSA involved too, and in all honesty, they aren’t great. Utterly useless at times.

    He has “promised” me he will get me my money but I’ve been patient for over a year now, and I’m now at the point of demanding it.

    His actions do not match hid words and he didn’t even get his child a birthday card recently. Not even the present we had discussed, which apparently is having ” delay issues”. He took him shopping and bought him a cake and a balloon but no extra special effort was made.

    He even went away 2 years ago for Christmas and spent all of 2 hours with him on Boxing Day. He finally called 12 days later to ask if he was ok after I messaged him to ask if he had forgotten he had a son.

    I’m really struggling lately to have patience and be amicable when this guy has had such a negative emotional impact on mine and my kids life, and now financial.

    SO many issues over 4 years I could go on and on. I just want to chat with people who get it. All my friends are married with kids and are happy. I may only have the one child but when it is just us and that child 95% of the time it is HARD. I am snappy, I am tired, I am low, I am losing myself in this constant battle with his father.

    At what point do I refuse contact? At what point can I turn around and say “enough”, because he is backing me into a corner I don’t want to be in and I feel its headed that way now unfortunately. I’ve fought so hard for my child….because he adores daddy and has wanted to see him but the emotional rollercoaster keeps going.

     

     

     

     

    #61964 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    it sounds draining. it’s nice that your encouraging him to spend more time with child. how often is he seeing child now? you could just carry on with life, and leave the ball in his court. he can contact you when he is available.

    #61998 Report

    Singleparent101
    Participant

    Hi.

    I have fought so hard to encourage him to be better at prioritising time for our child. Solicitors don’t come cheap either!

    I’m so tired of fighting. It makes my life so hard and I don’t have the mental strength to keep doing it. Its like talking to a brick wall.

    Family can only help so far and I’m sick of being the go between. They ask me questions that only his dad can answer.

    I have encouraged until I’m blue in the face. Never once told him he cant have contact.  I’m worried this pattern is going to carry on forever.

    He may pull his socks up for a couple of months and then it goes south. I just need to know when enough is enough. Do I  risk having to tell my son in 5 years that i stopped his dad seeing him because it was too sporadic and causing him emotional meltdowns or do I let it happen and wait until he is old enough to decide, but in the meantime let the adverse emotional issues worsen.

    He does ask me when will he see daddy and will it be long? He’s a nightmare when he comes back from his dads. Shut down, moody, teary, horrible attitude. When I ask him if he had fun and likes being with daddy he says yes. I cant win. I really feel I’m in a catch 22 and its so infuriating.  I cant face being “that mum” through fear of him hating me and causing deep unfixable issues in our relationship. At the same time how am I meant to put my trust in his dad who had proven his actions don’t match his words?! And how much more can I keep picking up pieces and dealing with the lies about maintenance support. I feel I don’t have the strength. Its left me feeling low, anxious , highly stressed and incapable of coping some days.

    #62008 Report

    Akay
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear what your going through, but it was crazy to read that as it sounded exactly like my situation.

    I split with my sons dad when he had an affair, our son was 6 months old, I’ve raised him more or less my self since then as he buggered off for nearly a year when we split cause he “couldn’t cope”. We’ve nearly 4 years down the line now too, he’s settled with new gf and house etc but they make my son feel like an extra rather than part of their family. His dad tells me he can’t keep him because he’s working all these crazy hours but refuses to give me money to run my house, when he’s his own. He fails to realise like yourself we as mothers pay for everything, supply everything etc. I always said I would do without his money as I would survive and be proud to do it on my own, however when I saw him book a holiday to Tenerife without his son but couldn’t half in with Christmas presents, I knew I had to do something. He’s ruNning about beat of gear but expects me to supply his sons toys, clothes etc for when he does eventually visit. I did go through CSA, I tried direct pay option the first year, giving him benefit of the doubt, it kinda worked, although payments weren’t regular I would be at least getting something, however that changed 4 months ago, when he stopped complete. Was funny as he just moved into new house and needed money to renovate it, so even though he only saw his some about 24 hours a week he refused to pay for him. Took me couple months since then but the arrears soon build up, and now his wages are being arrested. He’s paying early double a week from original plan too. But then again I’m the bad one for doing this as that’s taking away our sons Christmas money etc lol

    although it’s all so mentally draining, I’ve decided to stick by my plans and he can deck right off. He can’t do nothing and get away with it. I am close to getting solicitor purely to put regular visits I. Place he can’t cancel, due to his stupid liesz

     

    i really hope things start to work out for you.

     

    #62009 Report

    Akay
    Participant

    I would also like to add, keep a note of everything. I know my ex lies about working constantly, purely to make him cancelling look like he’s doing something good, when infact he’s having day at home or off on a night out. He’s even lied pretending he’ll be late home, explaining in detail where he was, little did he know I knew he wasn’t at work as a friend saw him out for lunch that day. I didn’t confront him as it turns into a screaming match, but I wrote it all down, and kept evidence to prove it, that way when it eventually goes to solicitors etc I can argue my case better. My ex constantly questions my private life too so I try mu best not to argue about his, especially his lies, again purely keeping myself right so when it’s needed.

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