Co Parenting Help and Advice desperately needed

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  • #62823 Report

    Strawberry
    Participant

    I have been trying to co parent for a while (almost 2 years). Court was involved for a substantial amount of time too and I have also been subjected to a lot of aggressions, bullying and harassment from my ex partner. Our little one is still little and whilst lockdown hasn’t helped neither has the truck load of abuse I received after HE chose to leave. His behaviour traits are very similar to those of a narcissist and to coercive control.

    However aside from what he does to me I still put my big girl pants on and take our child to him when its his organised time. He does not want to communicate except when it suits. One minute he is Superbad and knows everything and the next minute I get emails asking what he should feed them because they won’t eat for him. Then he believes there is a problem with their speech so I make a referral to a specialist, we attend together like co parents should, he sits there, barely participates because he’s already aggravated that the meeting was during his time with them and after the meeting and assessment they have offered us free speech sessions to go to. Afterwards, because it now consists of effort and targets to reach all of a sudden there is absolutely nothing wrong at all and he does not see the point or benefit in attending sessions or why it is important to play with your child.

    Next example leads us to baby wipes. Suddenly their bottom becomes red every time he uses his wipes (different brand to mine). I have suggested the brand I use or a similar one due to their sensitive skin but because I have only merely mentioned it as an option he must not do this because I suggested it. Never mind it being for the benefit of the child – he must remain stubborn!!!

     

    Now these are examples of a small percentage of what I put up with. However today he decided to have his new girlfriend around our child. Now I understand this is going to happen yet the reason I need advice is because this is how it played out:

    He has had his new partner for some time BUT she must remain a secret. He will not disclose anything but I MUST tell him everything about me!
    They haven’t been together for very long and he still hasn’t built a full relationship with his own child yet.
    When I asked who she had dinner with he lied repeatedly. I could see her. I asked him to introduce her out of respect for our co parenting relationship. He was still adamant he didn’t know who she was.
    I went and introduced myself and simply commented that we should get to know each other if she is going to be around our child out of respect to me and our child – she even agreed.
    He was stood behind me aggressively swearing, shouting and being intimidating – at one point his girlfriend even had to make him sit down. This was in front of our child. He is also not allowed to consume alcohol when our child is present – alcohol was on the table and very obviously where he was sat.

    All I can question is what is he hiding? Why the constant aggression? Why does he want to hide his girlfriend?

    I have absolutely no interest in him to me he is our Childs father and that’s it. I have had to overcome a lot from what he has done to me over the past two years which even included police involvement.

    How can I co parent with someone who wants their child to live two separate lives. Clearly claims I’m harming our child yet he bashes me in front of her, swears at me in front of her and does not want to communicate. If I say white he would say black. I can respond to his question about our child and then it would just be thrown back in my face. So I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t.

    How do people do it? How can you go on to meet someone else yourself knowing that you come attached with an ex partner that is an aggressive lunatic?

     

    Advice on how to navigate this new life is truly welcome. I feel like I am just coasting along……

    #62824 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    there is another way, it is called parallel parenting. 2 different worlds – Mums home and Dads home. we have no control over what happens in the other world. Maybe you could cut down on communication with him, and seeing him in person. perhaps he see’s it as interference when you ask about his partner.

    #62828 Report

    Andrew uk
    Participant

    Maybe keep your distance although it’s easier said than done. Keep the handover as civil and short as possible. I currently have no contact with my kids but i am resigned to the fact that i cannot influence what goes on with them when i dont see them. Im sorry i don’t have much useful advice but if you want to message me to just have a chat them please do.

    #62861 Report

    Strawberry
    Participant

    Thank you for you replies.

    We are ordered for a certain amount of communication and we have to coparent. Ive never asked him about this life or his partner. He literally stood infant of her and said she didn’t exist which if I was her, I would take great offence to it. I introduced myself and she was lovely to me as I was to her. I guess it’s just hard to expect to have a civil co parent relationship and I think he’s just judging me based on his own standards and behaviour.

    He walked out, chose not to see his child, harassed me, followed me, abused me but I still stuck around and asked him to see his child. He decided to take the process to a legal standard instead of talking to me and seeing his child. I guess this new path is going to be both frustrating and a learning curve.

    I only have an interest in our child and our co parenting future. I have truly moved on and I am now in a place where I want to meet someone new and move on with my own relationships. The downside is he didn’t want me but he’s too invested in my future and not wanting me to be with anyone else. He cannot have it both ways. He has moved on and this was his choice, so he now needs to deal with the reality of the path he chose.

    #62877 Report

    GingerbreadHelen
    Keymaster

    Hi Strawberry, Please look out for a private message from me.

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