Co parenting continued abuse

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  • #53663 Report

    Vbk2018
    Participant

    After a long relationship which I suffered depression (I now know is from the gas lighting and mental abuse as well as the physical abuse). A therapist told me I needed to get out. I’d left many times over the years. He convinced me I was mentally ill, that I needed him. He isolated me, was physical,gaslights me. I can’t go into too much detail for protecting my identity.

    So the final time I left him I had help. We were with a domestic abuse team. He always said if I left he would take our child, our child who thought her dad never loved her as he discarded her, never had time for her ever. He would play video games or go out with his friend, or be out cheating. He would say I would be overprotective, complain I’d spend too much time with our daughter.

    So now we’ve split, he’s the model dad, I’m apparently unstable, unfit, never around! He’s stalked me, threatened me, pushed his way into my home after someone gave out my new address, smashed up my belongings, contacted my work with lies about me .

    Family court ignored the domestic abuse even though it turned out he has past controlling and violent relationships.

    They listened however that I’m unfit as I’ve got a history of depression.

    It’s ongoing.

    Whilst waiting for the next date he’s continued to abuse me in any way that he can, regardless of his new relationship. I had to get a non molestation order as I don’t retalate I just keep evidence and record with the agencies. We got ramped upto the highest level in the Dom abuse but still I have to let my daughter see him.

    She’s always wanted his attention, now he spends time with her and throws money to her. She’s becoming very resentful of me, she’s 13 now. She also would come home hyped up and had sleep issues. I found he was letting her stay up until 3am all weekend and she only drank red bull there! Plus sooooo many sweets it’s insane.  Her health suffered so I took her to the gp.

    Her dad emails cafcass if she’s late for school and I get abusive emails around 5 a day. She’s late as she’s not sleeping, he disregards sleep schedules and not to give energy drinks and calls me a bad parent.

    How do I manage this?

    He’s previously said I’m alienating her from him (I’m not) and he told her she can live with him. Yet she has no bedroom and he moved in with this new women in less than a month, they’ve been together just a few months so who knows if it will last especially with his outbursts. I feel stuck, if I stop contact I get in trouble, how do I work at keeping my girl safe and healthy? How do I coparent with a narcasist (I look up why he does things, always get narcasist come up but he’s not diagnosed)

    He started gas lighting our daughter too, he had promised to take her on holiday, the date came and went he said he never said that she’s mistaken …..I’d seen the messages,he had promised her. He then promised an expensive birthday gift, then could only bring it to my house…..not a chance! So I looked the bad guy as I won’t let him here, he saw her the weekend and oh guess what, no gift! He told her I had told him I’m getting it! I’m concerned the psychological impact this is having on her too.

    No one listens as we should go parent.

    I don’t even read his emails now as it’s rantings at me. If he lies I ignore but he tried emailing the court if breached the order so I sent screenshot of evidence and he flew into a rage! So I stay quiet. I cant

     

     

     

     

     

    #53685 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    if there is a non molestation order in place, is he still allowed to harass you with emails? thought he would get in trouble for that. If your court case is ongoing I would suggest you contact Cafcass and tell them about all of your concerns.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by steve3334.
    #53919 Report

    Joanna79
    Participant

    How on earth you are still fighting through all this is beyond me. I admire your determination and perseverance.

    Do you still see a therapist and if you don’t can you. I mention this always, but having one non bias detached person ( female in this case) supporting you is really important. Many will support at a reduced rate privately if you explain your situation. Public services are so often not fit for purpose in my view and you will often encounter total numpties who are only concerned with covering their backs, not the best interests of the child.

    Does your daughter have a phone? If so she can communicate with you when at his if she feels unsafe. Why does he need to email you. Can you tell him email contact now stops, you are not contactable by email. He can only text ( use a separate  basic non internet phone maybe if on trackable) so he stops bombarding you with nonsense. Can you totally remove contact bar one word texts to agree time and place for seeing daughter? Just remove all opportunities to invade your emotional and personal space. He knows you are vulnerable so you must remove his access to you as much as possible.

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