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  • #34390 Report

    confused987
    Participant

    Hello

     

    I am at a bit of a loose end and looking for some advice.

     

    I am a professional and so is my wife.

    I stayed at home working from there for past 10 years looking after kids.  She went to work.  Last year she said she wanted a divorce.

     

    I am the higher earner by around 20%.

     

    She says house 50/50 but will not agree to childcare split 50/50 even though she pays for a nanny since i left the family home.  She says she needs a nanny (well student help) to look after kids and allow her to work. Shes not a massive earner (45 ish)

    When i left i thought i we could work things out, but it did nt happen 2 weeks after i left the security camera went off and she brought a guy who is a director back to the house!! (the kids were with me that week at my parents).

    Im sofa surfing, i want 50/50 of everything and would not deny some payment to her, what can i do?

    Selling home does not allow either of us to buy again as we live in an expensive part of south london.

    Also she is a bit of a spender, can i stop her spanking her share of assets on fancy cars adn clothes?  Since thats the kids inheritanced if she doesnt buy. She  hangs out with millionaire friends she is constantly tring to keep up with.

     

    I am not being bitter bit want it all fair.  I always paid all the house bills and mortgage she paid nothing just for kids school dinners and her clothes and personal trainer, i thought i was doing the right thing  by paying the bills always and allowing her to do her own thing.

    With regards to custody she says no t 50/50 but then wants me to be on call to babysit over xmas and when she works away,

     

    How does that work?  I dont deny some payment towards kids but if i want to live nearby it has to be reasonable.

    Surely she cant send me to the wall ? despite her mid life crisis.  wHEN I CALL she puts phone on speaker so kids can hear when i argue adn the kids remember that, not the 10 years i worked at home every day taking to and from school etc, feeding… Even now i do something every weekend with them despite staying at parents 20miles away.

     

    will mediator help her see sense? she has already says she wants to move to a more expensive area and is happy to spank any equity.

     

     

     

    #34393 Report

    confused987
    Participant

    i have never been absent ever. i dont smoke i dont drink  but being made to feel bad guy. supposed to see mediator end jan but she still has to agree and see the light.  shes even enlisted a mayfair lawyer she  cant  afford ffs the onky asset is he house and that isnt millions. i can only think she ia listening  to her rich friends i doubt they know the situation as she is good with appearances. they will not know how little money we really have to share and ahe wouls want to keeep it that way for image sake

     

    #34396 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Ok, so the first thing to understand is access and the finances are separate.

    For access , the courts will start at 50:50 especially is you were primary carer. It is not up to her. More relevant is providing a routine that allows your children to have a workable routine around school and seeing mum & dad.

    on finances, you need to see a solicitor. Don’t agree to anything until you take sensible legal advice. Once you have agreed a financial split, it is  her business how she spends her share. It is her money, not the kids’ Inheritance.

    Try to take it calmly and after seeing a solicitor, be clear in your mind what you are trying to achieve.

    Sorry, it’s difficult isn’t it.

     

    #34409 Report

    confused987
    Participant

    she says she has no oroblem with me seeing kids in the week just not to stsyover and  calls me to sit even now so

    its all on her terms

     

     

     

    solicitor says do mediaton then comeback so dont waste money on legal  unless have to

    #34410 Report

    Victoria
    Participant

    What Kathy said. Also it would also probably help to get some counselling if you can, in order to grieve your marriage away from the kids, let thoughts of the relationship go, and stop using terms like “spanking her assets /the kid’s inheritance”.

    You sound conflicted as to how much access you actually want in an ideal world. You need to decide that and the reality of it and how you would make this work. If you want 50/50 which is normal I think, unless there are issues of abuse etc, then this works at night and when she works away too I would expect, or she covers a sitter / au pair / boarding.

    Suggest or ask (nicely) in writing having warned her you are doing so -how you would like 50/50 to work in terms of access. If you are unhappy with her arrangements then bite the bullet and look after them for their sake. It isn’t about you or her controlling anything the other does, it is about providing the most stable way through what must be a rough situation for them.

    You also don’t want to be arguing with your ex, you want to be cooperating to make the arrangements as stress-free for them as possible – and save on therapy for your kids in their teens. Depending on how old they are i would look into and discuss prep schools which allow flexi-boarding later. This would cater to your ex wife’s business schedule.

    If you are confident in the property value of your home and want to stay there with the kids then speak to a lawyer or suggest paying her rent to do so so she can afford to move somewhere she wants but the kids are stable? I haven’t been in the same situation but I would not do so without legal advice re the property, finances and custody.

    #34411 Report

    Victoria
    Participant

    A serious divorce lawyer such as a Mayfair one may go for spousal maintenance in addition to child maintenance so you want to find out your situation I have just googled this (not a lawyer but read the last paragraph https://www.iflg.uk.com/faqs/Spousal-Maintenance)

    #34418 Report

    confused987
    Participant

    inearn more than her though and she initiated it though i guess have little choice  solicitor says try and hope she feels guilty  but if she stops me being anle

    to live nearby everybody  suffers as no joint childcare.  if her bit is all done all with a nanny then i fail to see  why she wants  them at all.

    #34419 Report

    confused987
    Participant

    even until last month she wanted me to pay  for the cleaner!! ffs i already still pay all house and bills and living tlat parents

    a d ahe was at harrods!! seriously i willmoay her aonethibg but we nees to be anlw

    tomlive near each othet. i didnt run off with a director from

    work

    #34425 Report

    confused987
    Participant

    shes also mentioned scrapping nanny and her paying to rent me a room near them. surely this looks good for me?

    #34426 Report

    Victoria
    Participant

    Don’t understand some of what you are trying to say and I realise it is upsetting that your marriage has broken down, but perhaps she will change her view when she thinks about the time involved.

    If you can’t find some counselling or can’t afford it Russel Brand was tweeting about a free 12 step program the other day that starts on 13th Jan that mmay help meanwhile. Look it up if it seems relevant. I haven’t done it.

    Also drop the she was at Harrods nonsense please.

    A) HOW she spends HER money on is none of your business. How do you know anyway?

    B) Harrods is a shop, I have been there a bit and being there does not mean she is spending a fortune. Though it would be NONE of your business if she were. Have you never watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s? She may find the atmosphere more pleasing than local shops – as I do.

     

    #34428 Report

    Victoria
    Participant

    Also I have just had a look and under the information section on Gingerbread’s website is info on everything from being a single dad- inc seperation, to custody arrangements and contact details for advice, support etc. Have you taken a proper look? Might help, I know they were invaluable when I became a single parent.

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