- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 11 months ago by Dadof12345.
13 November 2019 at 11:26 pm #32854
New here so apologies if i am posting incorrectly. I would like some guidance please;
Before i start, please dont assume I am just another farther who doesnt want to pay child maintenence for his children. My children are my world, but I do feel a little bit unheard.
I am an active farther of 3 – 2 from a previous relationship and who the CMS claim relates to. I have my children a total of 6 over night stays per fortnight ( 2 days 1 week and 4 days the next).
Other than my monthly CMS payments, i cover the childrens fortnightly haircuts, school uniforms, school shoes & coats. I pay my childrens mobile phones, £30 per month each child in pocket money money, School trips and I also pay £222 per month on public transport to collect/drop off the children and then have the same household expenses as the receiving parent.
I have a lot of contact with my children (which i had to pay £3500 in the family courts before the access was granted) but yet my CMS requirements dont seem to take that into account. I am constantly told by the CMS that anything outside of the CMS payments are at my own disgression, but it doesnt work like that when the childrens monther refuses to provide anything for the children when they are at my house. It seems like I am to cover the cost of the children for my household and the receiving parents household, while the receiving parent also gets child benefit and tax credits to subsidise her expenses for the children. Ive had to reduce my work hours on the day i have my children as i couldnt afford to pay for childcare on my nights anymore.
Is anybody else in this situation? I would like to hear from both paying and receiving partents to gage your thoughts and advise. My feeling is that the system is really out dated and doesnt seem to offer equality for mothers and fathers. I think the CMS is a great way to ensure absent fathers pay for their children, but it seems to be an injustist to active fathers like myself.13 November 2019 at 11:56 pm #32856
Unfortunately I have no personal experience in dealing with the situation you are in or similar so I am sorry I cannot offer any useful insight. It is a difficult balance and yes the system is a nightmare. I just wanted to say its so nice to read about a father having such an active role in his kids lives. Im new and your post is the first Ive read. Lifted my spirits. You sound like a fantastic father! I hope you manage to resolve the issues 🙂14 November 2019 at 12:06 am #32857
Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind words.
I enjoy the responsibility of being a parent. I am so proud of them all! It’s a shame to read that not all parents handle their responsibilities as well as they should!
If you are here as a user to gain advice, I hope you find it. If I can help with anything, please feel free to fire away.
Thanks again!14 November 2019 at 8:35 am #32862
I share my boys almost 50 / 50 with their mother. She is a teacher so I agreed initially that it made sense for her to have them a bit more over school holidays. She is using this as a way to receive child maintenance even though I have expressed a preference (and I am able) to share access completely 50 / 50. I am already giving her 1,000 a month in spousal maintenance.
From my (admittedly limited) experience yours is a common story. It’s also common for fathers to want to be just as involved as mothers. What is not as common is the fathers’ willingness to talk about it all on the internet.
For me it has been easier to just accept it all and focus on caring for my boys above all else. Not great advice, but I felt compelled to respond to your post as I suspect there are lots of us out there.14 November 2019 at 8:50 am #32864
Wow, your kids are lucky to have you dads that want to be involved. The first words out of my Exh were he would give me the minimum for our DD who was 14 at the time, has expensive tastes & is taller than the average teenage girl at 6’1 so also requires expensive clothes to fit! I applied to CMS and he was not happy with the figure they gave as he seemed to have forgotten he has a company car. Although my payment is fairly high I know that this money is for whatever she needs (I get no spousal maintenance), if she wants to go on an expensive sch trip it’s down to me to make that happen. I think in his eyes that money is for nice things for her not just to put a roof over her head & petrol in the car to ferry her to all the activities she goes to & I wouldn’t dare ask (& neither will she now after an unfortunate incident with an expensive sch trip I said no to) – Fortunately I have no contact with him & hers is v limited she hasn’t stayed with him since he left 15 months ago & now rarely sees him & even then not for v long)
Dadof12345, I think you are doing more than your fair share well done!14 November 2019 at 11:56 am #32866
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post.
@Anonymous; it would t make me feel better by refusing to pay to what the children need. I do it because it’s what my children need/want and if I didn’t, then they would go without. My CMS payments was just over £2000 for the year, yet I had paid my children’s mother in excess of £5000 for that period. The system should enforce that child maintenance is spent on the children directly and that would reduce the need for me to pay additional, however the way it works means that receiving parents are able to manipulate the system. My ex knows that I will buy the children what they need therefore the monies received from me can be spent on whatever she chooses. She’s not a bad mum and will take the children out occasionally etc. I’m not her slaying her, just the system.
@dadof2 I couldn’t agree more, as it’s been almost 6 years since we separated. Anything for a quiet life and as long as my children are happy is what I have been telling myself over the years. I’ve even had to return my car as I couldn’t afford to keep up with the payments and maintain my household as well as her. Hang in there mate and if you need anything, just pop me a message. Not glad to hear of your circumstances but glad to have found somebody who can relate.
@girlFriday sorry to hear of your situation! You’re daughter is lucky to have you! The CMS should be used to handle situations like this in my opinion. My mother left my father when I was young and he raised us under similar circumstances. We had weekend contact with my mum, who paid nothing towards our upbringing but had wonderful holidays, cars a nice house etc. My dad was declared bankrupt twice and couldn’t afford basic needs. I fully support the CMS in these situations and it’s nice to here a receiving parents perspective on the CMS and my situation. Thank you for your kind words too!14 November 2019 at 10:51 pm #32878
I think it’s great you want to be so involved.
I’m a receiving parent and like the person earlier, my ex told me he was going to laugh at the little amount of money he was having to give me. He, like your mum, goes on expensive trips abroad several times a year and lives a life of Riley.
I find he ensures he gets over the first bracket of nights. I mean literally 1 night over. I’m guessing this is to reduce his maintenance.
One thing I would say is i don’t think it would be possible to enforce maintenance is spent directly on the child. Maintenance includes covering things like providing a roof over their heads, food etc. From my perspective it all goes into one pot and this helps me pay the mortgage and bills. He decided he didn’t want to give me spousal maintenance. Maybe if he did the child maintenance could then be spent directly on our child.
i tend to find generally in a separation, if there is a devious person it always seems to work in their favour and they come out of it all better15 November 2019 at 9:49 pm #32921
@Anonymous I find your replies helpful, as its gives me a better understanding of how my childrens mother percives things. to answer your points;
We was 17 when we had our first child and 19 we we had our 2nd. My career took the hit as i skipped further education to provide for our children. My ex went on to pass the course she was studying. When we was in a relationship, her jelousy prevented me from personal progression. I worked 42 hours per week for £18,500 per year. She worked 20 hours in a local shop.
Since seperating, she has progressed onto managment and i have also enjoyed progression and earning in excess of £40,000. Seperate was the best thing to do for our children, but please do not assume that its only the mothers who take the hit. Since seperating, I have been reduced to 1 day a fortnight with my children, while she also made the application to the CMS to gain financially for the nights she ceased access. I then had to endure all the suffering cause to my children while i was able to get in front of the family courts. Again my expense, while she had no justification what so ever to cease access. Is she still taking the hit and suffering? Oh, I also left her the family home, all the furnishings, paid her billd for 3 months after the split, left her the family car and walked away with only a JD sports bag full of clothing. Everything else of mine was burnt in the back garden while my children had to listen to her **** me off with her friends.
You read me wrong, I share the same (if not more) household expenses as she does. I pay for the childrens clothing, school meals/clothing, activities etc outside of the CMS payments. My point is I am paying for her household, but why? We have shared care, everything is equal, other than its me financing both households + the children. You say i have a choice not to pay the “extras” outsid eof the CMS payments, but she tells the children to ask me to buy them things and if i didnt my children go without. Its not fair that they should missout, however the CMS should take into account what i actually spend on the children. She manipulating the system, she knows by telling the children to ask me to pay for things, then that frees up the CMS for her to spend it on whatever she wants to. Is that fair?