Child’s father not interested, despite my efforts to encourage involvement

[JenfoParticipant]

Hello.

just putting my situation out there to see if anyone out there is experiencing similar or has any little nuggets of advice!

I have a 4 year old daughter. I left her Dad when she was 6 months (he didn’t seem to care, contribute, drank too much, a plethora of things really). I knew we could do better and we have a great life.

Her Dad used to have her overnight once a week. Around a year ago her Dad decided he wasn’t going to continue with any of the caring responsibilities and refuses to have her at his house (he says it’s not fit for a child, he has let it deteriorate), leaving me to organise childcare around my full time hours. He has blocked me so I cannot text him. His daughter can’t ring him either. He might see her once a week/ fortnight when she is at his mum’s.

I am furious that he thinks absolving himself of any responsibility is a choice. She has started to talk about missing him and I’m worried her self esteem will be affected in the long run.

I don’t know what – if anything I should be doing – is the brief minimal contact more harmful to my daughter?

He is in his late 30s and does experience some social anxiety and anger, he was also  given adhd diagnosis recently – not to excuse his behaviour. I am trying to be empathetic if but just keep arriving at his behaviour being absolutely unacceptable and damaging to my daughter.

Thanks for reading.

[BluebirdSueParticipant]

You’ve done the right thing by you and your child 🙂

I also left my ex when our son was 10 months old. Best decision I ever made.

Like yourself my ex has gradually reduced contact over the last 10 years to the point where he only visits him every few weeks. But my son really isn’t that bothered. We have a great relationship.

Yes your daughter will probably feel a bit hurt that her father is the way he is now. But its not your fault, some people are just not suited to parenthood. I feel sorry for those people.

I shudder when I think of what mine and my sons life would have been like if I stayed with him.

But at least you have a lovely child that you can cherish and she loves you. Anything else is just a bonus really 🙂

[JenfoParticipant]

I would have thought it was basic stuff, I’m glad I don’t have a fight on my hands around custody splits but surely growing up thinking your dad isn’t interested is going to harm your self image and idea of what men are like.

You’re right though, she is from a loving stable home that is the main thing. I’m just sad for her that her father is such a cliche.

im considering trying to get full parental responsibility. Have you ever considered this? I don’t want him being essentially out the picture and then piping up in a few years trying to influence whatever the situation is.

thanks for your reply.

[BluebirdSueParticipant]

Thankfully I’ve never had to go down that route to go through courts. Everything we arranged we did in person. I know he wont push for anything more because our son has all he needs.

I have grown up with a father that visited weekly and although he was never violent or anything he wasnt really there. He remarried as soon as the divorce came through. He too does not have the patience or capacity to be a proper parent. I wont lie it does hurt sometimes. Sorry to have to say that. Me and my son still love our respective fathers but no science or magic can change who they are to us 🙂

[Author]

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