Children’s emotions – helping them deal with ex’s baby

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  • #10805 Report

    Kte
    Participant

    Ive been single for a year now, my ex-left me with a now 8 and 5 year old. They still don’t deal well with daddy not living with us anymore even though I try and reassure them he still loves them it’s just better that we no longer live together.

     

    My eldest is aware of the reason why, kind of, I had to give her a more child friendly version as she was asking a lot of questions and trying to process things.

     

    They still have emotional out bursts when he does come to visit, which is sometimes weekly, sometimes fortnightly for around 4 hours at a time.

     

    Hes never shown interest in 1-2-1 with them and stated when he got his new home that he would see them, not the other way around.

     

    Que 6 months or so and I found out his now partner is pregnant. Although I suspected he hadn’t even confirmed he had a new partner, let alone they were trying for a baby.

     

    Im really stuck with how and when to tell them. As I highly doubt they are going to take it well.

     

    Also he suddently wants them to go to go over there, and to meet new partner. I’ve said he needs to establish a relationship with his children solo first but he didn’t get that at all and thinks they will be fine. I’m really not happy that suddenly now with baby on the way he’s interested in them going over, when for the last twelve months it’s been ‘no’.

     

    My massive concern is telling my children, as they already feel upset he left and to suddenly find out that he’s got a girlfriend he never mentioned, a baby on the way and her two kids live with them part of the time – I know it’s gpinh to be emotionally difficult for them.

     

    Id love some advice or good resources / story books etc to help them.

    #10816 Report

    Kte
    Participant

    Ideally he’d of told us before so they could have got used to him having a partner and then met her earlier if this was the case. But he was the one saying no, and now suddenly changed his mind. Which is annoying because it’s all at his whim and he never considers the impact on his kids. But that’s just him, it just isn’t his kind of thing at all.

     

    They are at dating scan stage, so a bit of time yet.

    #10818 Report

    Kte
    Participant

    i don’t want my children getting too attached though anyway, as he’s an habitual cheater and I can’t foresee it ending well.

     

    I was with him for for ten years, I gave him one chance when we first got together after he cheated on me but after I’d had out first child. I repeatedly suspected and found evidence of him chatting etc but he twisted it and I doubted myself.  Then last year I found out he’d slept with someone else and that was it.  I just couldn’t live like that anymore and I didn’t want my kids to live like that either (not that they knew).

     

    So as much as he wants them all to be introduced, I don’t want to mess up my kids heads even more as they really don’t deal well emotionally after he visits even now.

    #10835 Report

    Stj123
    Participant

    My kids had to deal with a love child and their dad leading a double life lying to all people involved including all the kids even after a reconciliation, my advice after everything is be honest with the kids give them a chance to talk often and ask what they want too, I think sometimes like I was initially we want to protect them and actually didnt tell them enough, stick with what’s appropriate for their age and what they need to know but my kids now tell me they thank me for telling them the truth it makes sense to them and they like to be involved in decisions about seeing their dad.  I would gently talk to them about the situation and prepare them there’s never a good time to give them information that might upset them but at least it would come from you who they can trust and have chance to deal with how they are feeling before they are put in that situation with his new family.  Good luck it’s so hard to know what’s right to do!

    #10836 Report

    Kte
    Participant

    Thanks, sorry you had to deal with that.

     

    Your right, I just need to speak to them and let them know I’m here, honest, a safe place and ready to listen.

     

    My eldest can be quite anxious hence wanting to hold off meeting her, they have never been to his new home ans that’s daunting for her. I’ll try my best and help them as much as I can.

    #10837 Report

    Stj123
    Participant

    Your obviously looking out for them and therefore doing a great job, you can’t manage your exes lifestyle and the people he brings into their lives but they will see that your stability  and there to help them through the emotions they go through, go with what the kids say they would like and what you think is suitable for them you know them best, don’t you just wish you had a magic wand sometimes

    #11074 Report

    Cliveceltic
    Participant

    Not been on a while but catching up on some threads.  I have a now 8 and 5 year old and me and ex split 3.5 years ago.  He was annoying his single life for a year and then started acting weird and odd around picking up the kids etc.  He then told me he was dating.  We agreed no contact with the kids until it was well established so he arranged to see her in his child free time.  He then dropped the bomb that she was pregnant.  They’d just found out but appears an immediate conception on starting to date.  Suddenly he wanted the kids to meet her and have her move in.  Kids were 3 and 5 at the time.  I took it worse than they did.  They met her and they kept it from them for a while until closer to the time and when it was more obvious.  They told them with a little card each with the scan photo on. They came home very excited.  She moved in not long before she was due.  I often put the kids to bed at his while he was at work and stayed til he got home so that he had them the full next day.  I suddenly had to start dropping them off to her to put to bed.  Very strange.  They’ve adapted well since the baby arrived and ex and new partner moved house too – to accommodate her rather than my kids in the area they moved to.  Kids like her.  I’m lucky she’s nice to them.  He now has no child free time though as he’s always got the new baby now.  Kids took a while to understand why i don’t hug and kiss their sister and why i’m Not having her over to sleep.  Baby is now 2 and mine are older.  My youngest is now the middle child and is very clingy with me.  Funniest thing ever now is the baby shouts ‘mummy’ when i arrive to pick mine up but wont call her actual mum by mum.  She hears my 2 calling her her name so doesn’t hear her referred to as mummy.  It’s all very amicable.  The kids complained a while that their sister cried a lot but in general they took it quite well.  I think kids are adaptable.  Remaining positive through gritted teeth has helped.  I try really hard not to say anything negative.  I even helped them pick out a present for when she was born and for her birthday.       My eldest has, on Occasion, asked why daddy doesnt live with us and why the new Partner can’t live on her own.  At one point she even suggested we all live together – we can’t afford to move an i hate my house and daddy has moved many times, i explain I work part time and only have my wag to pay for the house and daddy has 2 wages now so she suggested we put all the wages together and bought a big house.  The innocents of kids.

    #11079 Report

    Kte
    Participant

    Wow, you’ve delt very well with a difficult situation!

     

    I like the idea of giving a gift. I don’t want to go OTT as ex is an attention seeker, but I’ll do it as some kind of thing to help my kids when the time comes.

     

    Emotions are turbulent at the moment with the kids, some things are good and others are bad – but I’m realising I need to give them more credit for their resilience. I’m just being cautious, Dads not trustworthy in many ways so I’m trying to remain the best safety net I can be.

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