Children’s dad moving away
24 March 2021 at 6:40 pm #51959
I have a very difficult relationship with the father of my children (12, 14, 16 girls). To quickly summarise background there was a degree of physical and emotional abuse when we were together so I called time on it after 15 years (3 years ago). I stayed in the family home paying the huge mortgage until it was due up and could sell. There was a degree of financial abuse in this time ( he earns twice my wage, got me to sign over 50k onto the joint mortgage that I then had to pay, as he refused…there is more but I won’t bore you!) but is now sorted. Now their dad is moving 45 minutes away from us and wants to continue with contact every other weekend which is fine by my. The one night midweek he had them overnight he now just want to take them out to the cinema and to do lots of ‘fun things’. My issue is that on a school night this is not really a good idea, I will be the one that has to get them to bed at 10pm when they are hyped up, try to get homework done (16 year old is in GCSE year and has at least 2-3 hours of work a night) and then get them up for school at 6am. (They start at 8am and teenage girls need a LOT of time to get ready in the morning!) Am I being unreasonable by saying that I do not think this is a good idea? The father told me he has it all worked out and I should agree to this. I am apparently a terrible parent and a ‘mental c**t’ for daring to disagree. I thought I was finally in my own place, things would settle as there was no more money issues but now it is this. And I will say that a small part of me is annoyed that he can choose to be the fun parent and splash the cash with them when I still have to manage every penny to make ends meet and can’t afford the holidays abroad/ endless holiday days out that he gives them (which they love and I appreciate they enjoy it) and I will be the one left with even more tired grumpy teenagers. Any thoughts gratefully received please!25 March 2021 at 1:41 pm #51981
I’m sorry to hear about how your ex had treated you but it sounds like you have great strength and gone through so much, you should be very proud of yourself.
With regards to your ex having them mid week, I completley understand that having children coming home very late and going to bed late could be detrimental their routine and education. I have a 3yr old and I let my ex have him for 1 night in the week once (his dad asked to have him and I didn’t want to refuse). My ex never keeps to the routine that I have, Eg bed late, wakes up late, misses his morning nap so he is grumpy all day and doesn’t potty train him well. Long story short my son ended up being very tired for nursery and wet himself (which he never does). After this experience my plan was…. If his dad asks to have him again in the week (this never happens) then I’d give him 1 chance to keep to my routine. If he doesn’t then he cannot have our son mid week during term time.
Would this be something you could implement in your situation? Give him rules and if he breaks them, then only allow mid week visits during non term time?
I’m sorry I’m not much help as my son is only 3yr, I dlnt have experience with older children.25 March 2021 at 6:27 pm #51990
Wouldnt it be a good idea if he would like to go cinema etc that he picks them up /meets them after school and then they all stay at his and he does school run in morning25 March 2021 at 6:36 pm #51994
Great idea that he does the school run in the morning. He would then understand how hard that is . Its putting it all onto you and thats not right. Maybe one day he will understand….but not until that getting them up, ready for school, breakfast,then school run kicks in. Then he’ll get it.27 March 2021 at 8:39 pm #52058
I think you have 2 options, the first being as someone else suggested, let dad have the responsibility of taking the girls to school. My own teen daughter won’t stay at her dads on a school night as it interferes with her ‘morning routine’ whatever that entails.
The other option is that you tell the girls, it’s fine to go with dad mid week but the first time you’re not each in a queue by the front door, shoes polished, teeth brushed by 8am, or it becomes a battle, the late night outings stop. Give them responsibility for getting themselves ready. The homework situation will resolve itself as it’s the kids that will get told off at school for not completing it. They might surprise you27 March 2021 at 9:08 pm #52059
Yeah this is my issue… he doesn’t want to do the school run in the morning because it is 45 minutes from his new house to their school. It would not be fair on them… he just wants to do fun stuff! They have to be in registration at 8am so they walk from my home at 7.15 am (1.5miles) I think I am going to say no. It is not practical or fair on them. I just have to brace myself for the abuse because he is not getting what he wants. Ah well…27 March 2021 at 9:59 pm #52061
If he is refusing to do the school run then he cant just drop them off at 10pm. It is actually your ex that is unreasonable for not wanting to sort out how they get to school in morning