Childcare issues

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  • #54282 Report

    Scoobydoo88
    Participant
    1. Hi, I have recently separated from my partner of 9 years and we have a 4 year old child together, I get to see her everyother weekend and once during the week, my issue is that I don’t think her mother is properly looking after her as she is palming her off on family members at any chance and going away for days at a time, she is hardly working and I’m pretty sure she is using the money I pay for my little girl to fund this.
    2. The family member who has to look after my little girl is 70 + and Is awaiting a hip replacement and cannot hardly walk.
    3. My little girl has now started to say that her grandma is her 2nd mummy and she hardly see her real mum.
    4. Just looking for some advice /help of what to do as I fill that she is not doing her duty as a mum properly and it is affecting my child.
    #54285 Report

    Joanna79
    Participant

    Hey Scoobydoo, such a tough one. I feel for women in this situation but I really feel for dads too as it isn’t always fair on you guys in this scenario. Is there scope for you to have your daughter more? Is this something you could do and do you think the mother will be open to it? I understand this can affect the amount of money she receives if you are paying maintenance which I would find hard too in your position if she isn’t caring for her as much as maybe would seem right.

    Is it possible your ex is unwell or struggling emotionally with things? I know how hard this is to do, but I was always advised to take the friendly diplomatic approach as much as possible when dealing with these issues with an ex. Getting annoyed never usually ends well, even though I can see exactly how powerless you probably feel and I’d feel annoyed in this position. If you are able to take more of the care on for your daughter, and you want to, then you could see how possible this is by testing the water with her. E.g, I want to help as much as I can. Can I help more with the care of our daughter. Saying things like this. I know how hard this is btw .

    #54289 Report

    Scoobydoo88
    Participant

    The thing is I have offered to have her more but it falls on deaf ears, I can have her most days but it just doesn’t happen.

    I haven’t said anything to the mother yet as I wanted to get some advice 1st and I really don’t know what the best route to go down is, I know she will be worried about how much money I have to pay her if I have my daughter more and she realise on the money to boost her income.

    I don’t want to fall out with her as our split was a mutual agreement and for the sake of our daughter we are on talking terms.

    #54290 Report

    Joanna79
    Participant

    Ah ok, because you’re offering and she isn’t listening or taking it on board I can see that you’re after some legal advice. Hope someone can step in and help on that one for you.

    I think the way the maintenance is worked out is wrong sometimes – for reasons like this and the situation you’re in. It isn’t legal advice but if you offer to take on more time with your daughter at yours and suggest you won’t reduce payments if it is say 1 extra night a week, I wonder how she would respond to that. If you’re genuinely worried how well she is caring for your daughter then I can only suggest logging everything in writing at this point via emails. So, your suggestion ref taking on more care of your daughter and formalising that with a suggestion as to how many days more per week you would like.

    What happens going forwards depends very much on how the current arrangement was made, whether it is legally binding and whether you want to pursue legal action down the line if she refuses to budge. If there’s no communication between you orbit is ineffective I’d imagine the suggestion in the first instance might be some form of mediation.

    #54292 Report

    Ali.saa
    Participant

    Hey

    Hope you are doing well.

    The first question you’ve to ask yourself is how her mother treats your doughter?

    I know it’s tough and you aren’t sure about her mother but you have to understand one thing. Your doughter needs both of you even with this situation. I think you can handle and manage the situation and the best way is being cooperative!

    It’s the best for all of you.

    My ex wife wasn’t a good wife for me but she behaves our son nicely!

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