5 April 2021 at 11:44 pm #52345
I would really appreciate some advice on what my rights are please. Bit of a long story, sorry!
My ex came out of prison 9 months ago, he was in for 4 years after drug dealing and taking drugs. This is the 3rd time he has been in prison. I won’t go into loads of detail about everything that he has done but he has made a lot of mistakes.
I was told by social services that I would receive a letter 2 weeks before he was coming out with “everything I need to know” on there but I didn’t recieve that.
Anyway I have been taking our 8year old to see him at his mum’s house every 2 weeks. It’s all been going fine until now. He is demanding to have her by himself and take her on days out. I would love for that to happen but my worry is I have trusted him in the past and I don’t feel comfortable being able to just yet. I just feel as though there needs to be a responsible adult there.
I have explained all my concerns to him but he doesn’t understand and is now saying that if I don’t allow him to have her alone he “won’t bother seeing her at all”. Obviously I want my daughter to have a good relationship with him but her safety comes first. I’ve tried ringing soical services for advice but not got anywhere with them. I’m not sure where I go from here? Possibly mediation?
Thanks6 April 2021 at 11:47 am #52365
Hi. From my own experience my ex was/is an ex addict. Our relationship split when I was working away and she cheated on me with the local dodgy guy / drug dealer. She even introduced them to our daughter the night I had to leave what was my home. Their relationship lasted about 2 months. I had very similar feelings and thoughts. It’s very worrying and stressful. Could you start with smaller steps, e.g., a couple of hours, then one day out and potentially build towards overnight perhaps. You will never gain the trust you’re looking for if you don’t allow for an opportunity for them to build it. Does your child have a mobile? You might, and rightly so, feel they’re too young. However, this would allow them to be able to contact you should they need to. That said, maybe their response speaks volumes or maybe it’s an overreaction out of emotion. Good luck I hope it all works out.6 April 2021 at 2:02 pm #52383
Mediation would be best or contact unsupervised phased in small steps. Social services wont be very helpful apart from telling you to go to court probably to resolve6 April 2021 at 3:21 pm #52398
Thank you both for your advice. Doing small steps sounds like a good idea. He is a good dad to her so I would never want for her to not see him. He is still under rehabilitation at the moment so things are always a bit better at this point but my worry is when is he no longer having to do weekly drug tests, that is where it seemed to go down hill last time. She doesn’t have a mobile but it might be worth her taking one when she does see him.
Surely if it was the other way around and I had just got out of prison, soical services would be involved and she wouldn’t be able to just come and live with me? They once did a check on her because he had been associated with a sex offender, so they do have a record of it.6 April 2021 at 4:17 pm #52410
I think getting your daughter a mobile is a great idea. You can keep in touch when contact progresses. Social services havent really got any reason to be involved. You have already stated hes a good dad so they would have no concerns. Daughter lives with you and spends time with father.
Maybe a small step could be for example up until summer holidays maybe he has 4-6 hours on his own 1 weekend and 1 contact at his mum the following weekend. If all goes great you can then make the next steps ..could be an overnight , but at his mums. Then at dads . It is down to dad and yourself if trust is rebuilt how quick things can progress6 April 2021 at 6:48 pm #52417
Ok, yes that does makes sense just thought it would be part of their procedure and was told by them that it would be. I just feel as though I went through all of this 6 years ago and I’ll never be able to trust him fully with her. My main worry is him taking drugs while having her. If there was some way to get him to keep on having the drug tests I would feel more comfortable, that was why I was hoping soical services would get involved.
I will suggest the slow steps to him and see how we get on with that. He has had her overnight at his mum’s a few times.
Thanks again I really appreciate your advice.