Child refusing contact with non resident parent for no obvious reason :(
29 November 2018 at 7:48 pm #18317
My 10 year old is refusing contact with me (non resident parent; his mum). I have tried offering lots of activities/different times/days but he still doesn’t wasn’t want any physical contact at all. Even refused a 30 mins long contact time. Dad is stating I have to sort this out but how can I if I can’t get any contact not even Skype is accepted and the only contact is telephone. When my son talks to me on the tel he is very rude to me, stating things like ‘you tell me I’m not very clever’, ‘you don’t like me’.
My son has told the school welfare person that he wants to choose when he visits and it shouldn’t be always up to mum (its not, its what is written in the CAO and dad isn’t flexible not even down to the times I call which should be approx 6:30 and if it isn’t I often get a warning email). Dad states he is doing everything he can to help get contact going. I did suggest meeting him with me but this was refused (he is still very angry with me despite a 6 year ago separation). Apparently he told our son that it would be very boring if he remained at his dads but then it turns out he had an amazing time.
I have offered to go to mediation but so far ex is refusing stating he will only go if I tell him exactly what I want to discuss before he agrees. I have given brief information such as discussing changes to the CAO to accommodate a child who is growing up and the CAO doesn’t fit that well anymore. Also advised that I want to discuss joint parenting and what this means.
I don’t know where to go with this ….I fear I just won’t be able to have contact and will be ‘released’ of the CAO as Im not for filling what it states.3 December 2018 at 1:45 pm #18402
Thank you for your reply. I started the mediation route, we have both attended individually. The idea would be for us both to attend at the same time. However my ex is now stating unless he knows exactly what I wish to change or discuss he won’t go. I gave his a brief overview despite the mediator stating to us both this isn’t required as an agenda can be agreed at the first mediation meeting. Ex still insisting on more info being given before he will agree. Also latest is that I need to pay as he doesn’t want anything changed therefore its all about me as he doesn’t see anything requires change it is all fine as far as he is concerned.
I was offered a possible meet up last weekend which actually wasn’t my contact week of which I obviously wanted to try if the conditions were suitable. On the instructions of my ex, the Friday before on the telephone to our son, I asked if he would like to meet up for a very short while for a bite to eat etc whilst I was out ‘Xmas shopping in the area’. As I live 120miles away a suitable place not far from where our son lives with his dad we arranged to meet. First it was Saturday afternoon which turned out not to be possible on Saturday morning, so Sunday at 11.30 was agreed. On Sunday morning I received a text message (as my ex refuses to actually talk to me) to say that our son is refusing to attend the meet up. I was advised to call our son and ask him why he is refusing. I did but he was very hesitant to say any reasons why. After a little while he said I was a bully but couldn’t actually say why. It was a horrible conversation where as well as being a bully he doesn’t like me, he couldn’t tell me any reasons. I reinforced that I loved him etc. Anyway needless to say the meet up didn’t happen. That day emails with the ex continued and he still refused to take part in mediation despite me almost pleading with him to just try it at least. I then gave up and asked if mediation could be between our son and I as I thought an unbiassed professional to help find out the reasons for not wanting to meet me could be the next step. Ex says mediation between son and I is required but states that there is no need for a paid service (refuses to agree to that) as he can be the one to mediate by email between us. I think an independent intervention is required.
Son won’t even Skype or talk to his friends where I live, he is pushing himself away from everything that is to do with me. I feel our son is very angry and its all coming out towards me, he wants changes but doesn’t feel he is being listened to and is frustrated with everything. The school have got him to talk to the well being officer but its not been very useful part from checking that he feels safe. The school are very much unable to help with the situation as they have to be independent and not take sides so no help there possible. Son says I’m being inflexible as I always call at set times and visits can’t be negotiated. I feel this is very unfair as I follow the CAO as I am frequently told flexibility isn’t possible and get ‘told off’ via email if I call late/early (eve by my son actually) for example. I feel so helpless, is there anything that I can do or other avenues that I can go down? Will going back to court force my ex to allow son to be talked to and get the support he needs to talk through things generally and with me?
Thanks for any help received in advance