Child not wanting contact
26 November 2019 at 1:31 pm #33310
Hello n thanks for reading.
My daughter has reached the point of wanting to cease contact with her dad . She’s age 10 and we are 18 months into a difficult separation. There is no CAO in place , I realise we are heading that way but in the interim. What would anyone advise ? My son is still OK going alternate weekends he’s age 14 and is managing better. However my daughter is highly anxious and fearful of her dads behaviour.. his questioning and not listening to what she wants or how she feels. She has witnessed him being very nasty towards me and she has also experienced his difficult moods towards her and also her brother.
I’ve tried very hard and failed to facilitate contact at her pace. He will not cooperate or communicate positively with me.
Now my daughter won’t go near her phone and says she doesn’t want to see him. I have been blamed for this situation. I have really tried to support them seeing each other. Yet it is often to her detriment. I’ve now blocked his nasty messages to me and I’m trying to protect myself better and to listen and support my daughters wishes. It seems to be escalating only one way. Which is court. But that’s a long process and I’m not sure if I initiate proceedings or wait for him. Or how to manage in the meantime. Another difficult weekend is ahead.
Any advice/ support is very welcome- thanks26 November 2019 at 3:45 pm #33322
Can you write him a calm and factual email, saying what you have said here. That your daughter doesn’t want to see him or listen to his nastiness or be questioned. That he is causing her distress, That she doesn’t want to answer his calls.
For these reasons your daughter will be taking a break for two weekends, and then she’ll see how she feels. State that you are putting her mental well being first and you hope that he can understand, and stop the questioning, nastiness etc so you can all move forward.
Definitely support your daughter and let her make her own decisions.27 November 2019 at 9:19 am #33363
Thanks for replies.
whats a FLO?
Yes school are involved and GP and there are early help interventions in place.
He does not respond well to emails from me as he blames me for her not wanting to stay over and now not even see him. I’ve now blocked him to protect my mental state as everything I tried failed and he was so nasty. However he managed to get at me through our daughters sports – what’s app group. Which is awful but unsurprising – he’s now been blocked from by admin. I feel like I’m under attack for trying to support my daughter and not sure what’s coming next. He’s just cancelled my email domain which I’ve had for 18 yrs . So that’s today’s job.
First Mediation session was horrendous and essentially failed but I’m prepared to try shuttle mediation as a last chance resort.28 November 2019 at 2:35 pm #33435
Would it end up in court re a divorce or a CAO?
If it would be a CAO and contact is ordered for every other weekend for example, your role would be to have your child available for contact; it would not be for you to force her to go to contact, that would be her own choice at her age. So you will have done your bit as far as any order would go, after that you will not have broken any order.
In the meantime carry on protecting your child. Me personally would be saying to my child ‘I’m not going go make you go, you don’t have to go’ I wouldn’t put a time limit on it, I would leave her to decide herself for when she has recovered enough to give it another go. I think that may take the pressure off of her?29 November 2019 at 11:49 am #33496
Can I just say …stay away from court, once they put a plan in place you have very little flexibility. They will also NOT listen to the wishes and feelings of the children even if there are safeguarding concerns. At 10 she will be made to go to her fathers with reasonable force as I’ve just had set by court for my 12year old son. He witnessed domestic violence and suffers from verbal abuse from his father and they still say this is no reason not to have contact.
In my experience (7 years of this) she may dip in and out of contact and it’s really up to him to be accepting of this and to work hard to change it.
i wish you the best of luck29 November 2019 at 5:54 pm #33505
If your child’s situation did go end up in court the court would take into account The Welfare Checklist. If you have never heard of it just google it, forwarned is forearmed, it gives you the info that you would need to continue protecting your child.1 December 2019 at 6:28 pm #33530
We are in similar situation only that I had non-molestation order against ex that expired this summer. My girl now 11 and a half stopped contact with him last summer and this Sept he took me to court with claims I manipulated my daughter in hating him. If he does take you to court you will be contacted by cafcass and they write a recommendation to the court. if there is an accusation of domestic violence, the court usually request a section 7 report from cafcas or local children’s services if they are already involved or had been involved recently. My advice if he is nasty in emails to you don’t block him gather evidence of his behaviour and if he threatens you in writing you may apply for nonmolestation order to protect yourself from his abuse.if you have verbal contact record conversation without his knowledge. .At her age, she will be able to express her wishes if it comes to court.gether as much evidence of his abusive behaviour towards your children as you can.if her anxiety is high you may also ask for a referral to camhs so she can speak with them about how her father’s behaviour affects her it may help her to deal with her emotions. Older she is more her wishes will be taken under consideration by the court.