Child contant (single parent)

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  BluebirdSue 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #26449 Report

    Steph89
    Participant

    Myself and my ex partner were not together long and were not together when I had my daughter. I have tried to do everything right by her and I wanted them to have an amazing daddy daughter relationship……however this is not the case now.

    In the 1st year he averaged at seeing our daughter once a month for less than 2hrs. After that, it has got less and less. I have got on at him several times telling him it is not good enough and he needs to make more of an effort as she does not know him at all. He expected me to just hand her over. He would often blame me even though I have never stopped him seeing her, quite the opposite.

    I then moved further away and i didn’t hear from him for over 6months. His excuse was his ego was bruised. Again not good enough. I eventually agreed to meet up so he could see our daughter. I told him he had to make an effort and this was his last chance. He said ok. I hear from him once a month or less, he doesn’t make any concrete plans to come see her. My daughter is now 2 and a half, he has seen her once in 15months. He now wants to arrange to see her again and i’m feeling drained, frustrated and fed up. What can I do!? I feel he has made no effort and therefore has no rights. My daughter does not know him and i explained to him I didn’t want her confused and upset with this.

    Anyones help or advice in similar positions!?

     

    #26454 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Hi,

    Can you make an arrangement for a day that will be good whether he shows up or not? You say you moved away. Could you arrange to have lunch with a friend from where you used to live, and invite your ex to come and join you if he wants to see his daughter.

    if he comes along, great. If he doesn’t, well you still have a nice lunch. That way, you won’t get your daughter’s hopes up and then disappoint her.

    what does your ex say about his lack of contact? It might also be a good idea to make a note of all the times he has failed to arrive so if he takes you to court, you can provide an accurate picture of he inability to commit to his daughter.

    i feel your pain. My ex was similar.

    #26457 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Sadly, the you’re exhausted part is irrelevant, though I feel for you.

    Your child would be best off having a relationship with her father and we have to hope that maybe now he will be committed and regular.

    I would think that the way to go about it are to make him responsible for the arrangements. And to also do this via email or text so you have written proof moving forward that you keep.

    Give the dates you can or can’t do whichever’s easiest. And then tell him to arrange. Ask for the contact dates moving forward. Then you can see his thinking and see if he sees it through.

    What you need to be wary of is that if this went to court, many award a maximum of 6-8 sessions to familiarise the child and parent then it’s unsupervised full day contact with overnight contact after a similar number of these full days. So against that backdrop you need to remain Uber reasonable. As much as he’s not been great, you moving away will appear as though that’s negatively impacted on the relationship and that distance you’ve created you’d be expected to narrow that gap with travel, giving more holiday contact etc as midweek contact wouldn’t be reasonable.

    Hence, let him do the organising and arranging. State that in the days contact you would like a message say 90 minutes beforehand confirming he’s still attending. If you don’t receive you won’t attend. Explain this is due to him not attending in the past.

     

    This way you’ve a written, calm, record of not only your offer, his past conduct but also his undertakings.

     

    Hth

    #26488 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    Yes I like the idea of you meeting your ex with a friend somewhere like a play centre. You will have moral support and if he does not turn up at least you will have fun.

    Its noble that you actively try to arrange visitation. But it all sounds one sided. You can’t control what he does and you can’t make him be the father you want him to be.

    Document proof you have regarding arranging contact just incase, but please don’t waste these precious early years worrying. They grow up so quickly 🙂

    #26491 Report

    Steph89
    Participant

    Thanks for the comments 🙂

    I have every message ever sent between us saved in my emails and i only communicate with him through whatsapp. I leave it up to him to get in contact now and suggest a date. He doesn’t have a good enough reason to not see her. The distance isn’t the issue as i live very close to begin with and he didn’t make the effort then.

    I don’t agree that my daughter would be best off to have a relationship with him as he’s inconsistent and unreliable. My daughter doesn’t know any different just now anyway. I feel he has missed his chance as he is the 1 that has chosen not to make the effort to see his daughter. And when he does see her then he tends to bring his whole family with him as his dad gives him a lift. This puts me in an uncomfortable and awkward position. The last visit was arranged at a softplay near myself and my brother came down for support, but it just seems ridiculous to have to do that.

    I’ve tried to do everything right by my daughter, it just seems unfair that he has any rights at all given how little he has tried to make contact.

    #26492 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    You may disagree but most courts would still award contact. Even with poor attenders of many more years than this.

    #26496 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    I am glad that fathers have legal rights because in my mind they can do an equally good job in raising children.

    I don’t think his visits are consistant and he really risks breaking that bond permanently. Its great that his family cone to visits, or are they as nonplussed? 🙂

    #26501 Report

    Steph89
    Participant

    Absolutely they can do just as good a job, sadly not all step up and do it.

    His family used to arrange visits but i have never heard from them since I moved. Its just a bit much to be confronted with all his family when he should be coming on his own to have 1 on 1 time with his daughter. I don’t see them ever having a bond which is unfortunate. I was and still am a daddys girl so I wanted him to have that too. Its strange that someone who always wanted a daughter (he has 2boys with his ex wife) makes no effort and expects me to do all the leg work.

    #26502 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    Some dads are not up to it. Its a shame really. But your daughter has you and your dad so she is very lucky 🙂

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