16 November 2020 at 6:50 pm #45801
I hope everybody is keeping safe & well.
My husband left me & our 10 year old daughter 6 weeks ago. He moved 2.5 hours away to be with another woman. He was calling my daughter each evening at a time set by him & he has come to visit her once since he left.
When I told him that the time he had set to call our daughter is not always convenient for us & that he should text me before he contacts her so we can agree a mutually convenient time, he spat his dummy & refused to do that. Since that time he has only contacted her twice, but did it without making me aware, despite my daughter asking him to text mummy to check it’s ok. He said he is not going to do that.
Does anybody feel my request is unreasonable? I have not stopped him calling her or visiting her, I simply asked for a text beforehand. He has chosen not to do that & has chosen not to contact our daughter as a result, as he wants control of the situation. He has shown absolutely no remorse for cheating, leaving & punishing our daughter.
Would court see my behaviour as unreasonable from anybody’s experience, as he has said he is taking me to court for contact?
Thanks in advance for any thoughts, advice, guidance.16 November 2020 at 8:55 pm #45805
If its your phone hes ringing then you should be pre-warned by text when hes going to ring and it should only be twice a week really. There is no excuse for him not to see his daughter at least once a month for a few nights despite the distance.
However if she has her own mobile which some 10 year olds do then yes he should be able to ring when he wants before her bedtime . Of course you may want to check that he isnt running you down and causing problems as that wouldnt be acceptable.
You are right to be angry at your ex and it is going to take a long time for you to be able to forget what hes done etc i imagine16 November 2020 at 9:26 pm #45809
Thanks so much for replying to my post & for your advice. Perhaps I am being unreasonable asking him to text me before he calls my daughter on her mobile phone. I feel angry that he thinks he can hurt us as he has & then call the shots when he’ll call our daughter. Everything is at his convenience. You’re right, as long as he isn’t running me down, perhaps I am also harming our daughter by enforcing the text message. I’ll have to give more thought to how I manage the situation.
Thanks again. Stay safe! X17 November 2020 at 11:51 am #45826
My personal opinion, but I can’t see ANYTHING unreasonable about your request for a warning text. She is with you and YOU need to know what she does and with whom, including with her dad. He cannot take you to Court over contact as you didn’t FORBID contact, you only asked for a prep text. It DOES need to be a mutually convenient time, both for you and your daughter. What if she is doing homework at the time? Or chatting with a friend online or having a bath. He can’t just dip in and out whenever he wants, ESPECIALLY without warning. He is only threatening you to get / keep control, as you rightly say yourself. This is about setting boundaries, including teaching your daughter how to set boundaries herself. 10 years old may be “old enough”, but she should also not have to drop everything whenever he happens to call. This doesn’t sound healthy to me. She is going to develop an anxiety, every hour of the day, “Shall I start reading a book, cook with mummy, do homework? Nah, I won’t bother, cos daddy may ring any minute now”.
As for his having left you both, it looks like he has saved you both many years of misery by doing so, however painful it must feel right now.
Stay strong Macca 🙂17 November 2020 at 1:34 pm #45831
Thanks so much for taking the time to read & reply to my post. It’s reassuring to get someone else’s opinion as I don’t know whether I’m coming or going & don’t want to cause my daughter any further emotional pain.
He seems to be resistant to any boundaries I dare to put in place. Court seems an extreme measure to take when I haven’t prevented him having contact with our daughter. I feel it’s a time wasting ploy as he can’t be bothered travelling 2.5 hours to see her when he could be with his girlfriend!!
Thanks again. Stay safe. X23 November 2020 at 2:49 pm #46119
Happy to have provided some relief or at least encouragement!
Yes, it does sound like he is looking for an excuse. But then again he seems to have loads :S
I personally pity his new girlfriend. What he does to you, he has already started doing to her!
Stay safe and strong and be kind to yourself! xx