Child arrangements

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  • #57622 Report

    Sha91
    Participant

    Hello 🙂

    Wondering if anyone can help or has been through the same situation before…

    Me and my children’s dad split up in march..  he has been seeing the children on a Wednesday evening here at my flat and I go out because we don’t really get on .. he also then sees the eldest on a Sunday from around 12-5 .. and sometimes has been in the flat if he hasn’t had a car to take him out. This hasn’t been working though because there is always some drama or stress caused when he’s here at mine and I’m out.. I have said to him going forward I don’t want him coming into my home anymore ( he’s not on the tenancy) and he can still see the children but will have to take them out..  (to the park.. pub for dinner..  family’s house or whatever he wants) but he’s kicking off because he cant see any issue.. he gets very verbally abusive towards me and i just don’t know what to do next..  I have emailed someone about mediation but in all honesty I don’t think he will want to even entertain that. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or know exactly where I stand with this..  also just to note his response to me was that he can’t see the children then if he cant come to the flat as he has a dog who he needs to sort out as well as not being able to just “take the kids out for a couple of hours” but there are things he can do with them in my eyes and he should be jumping at the chance to spend time with the children?

    Any advise would be great!

    Thank you x

     

    #57657 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    He sounds very coercive & controlling & domineering.

    It’s absolutely ridiculous & very manipulative to attempt to demand access in your home only or he can’t see the kids. Especially with any form of disruptive behaviour forcing you to leave your home to accommodate him, then make daft excusus like his dog.

    Sounds like you’ve already gone above & beyond, maybe even given too much, obviously with your kids needs at heart …. He is exploiting your kindness & doesn’t really sound like he deserves it if he is being abusive too.

    Think maybe it’s worth getting some proffeshional advice & support from gingerbread or calling the national domestic abuse helpline to talk it all through with or find your local domestic abuse service from your council’s website (usually they have links!) & go from there.

    They won’t make any action without your consent & are non-judgemental, but maybe it could be useful to have support, validation & know your options & rights around his behaviour.

    You shouldn’t have to put up with this… It’s totally unacceptable.

    Respect & love to you! You & the kids deserve better! Xx

    #57834 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi,

    I think you need to set boundaries. A lot of people go through the courts to have kids every other weekend, in their own home.

    #57836 Report

    mcscoobs
    Participant

    He shouldn’t be coming to your home at all to be honest. Is there a reason the children don’t go to his place? Have they ever been? What’s to say that he just doesn’t go round your flat snooping when you go out? Maybe that’s why he wants to hold onto your arrangement.

    But yes, end that now and it’s his responsibility to have the children at his.

    #57847 Report

    Sha91
    Participant

    He doesn’t have his own place.. he’s staying at a mates but it’s not somewhere he would want the kids and neither would I.

    I agreed he could come here in the evening on a Wednesday to see them so it meant he could spend time with them and I was trying to be reasonable but it’s just not working… and he has 0 respect for me.. now he doesn’t like it because I have said he can’t do that anymore…

    Not sure what to do going forward now .. he didn’t see them Wednesday evening either after I said what I said. I was going to try mediation?

    #57852 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    sounds like he needs to sort himself out and find a decent place to rent for him and the kids. in the meantime you could let him know there’s plenty of places he can take the kids, like parks, libraries, shopping centres, cinemas…

    #57891 Report

    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi, my ex did same he wanted to be at my house with our son and said he couldn’t look after him when I went to work unless it was at my house. He went through my old phone, he slept in my bed when I was working nights and I hated it I rang womens aid and they said his behaviour was text book! They just want to stay close so they can spy on what’s going on he even tried to hold on to his old key . He now has our son at his parents where he lives and it’s never been a problem, my advice looking back is don’t tolerate it .

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