Cheating?

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  • #64655 Report

    Deedum
    Participant

    Hi

    just looking for opinions..My husband moved out of the family home a week before Christmas. Although we had been having a few issues I didn’t really see it coming. He has said some very hurtful things recently about how he views me and the problems we have. I have tried not to hit back at him and take these on board but we agreed to have a bit of space and try ‘dating’ each other after a few weeks to try to  see if we could work on things. We have agreed to go to therapy and have been speaking through some issues.
    However, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he may be seeing someone else, which he denied. I asked him to clarify if he had been txtin or speaking to another woman by phone. He has reluctantly told me he has been in contact with someone he used to work with. I know this to be someone he used to find attractive. He says they are just venting and supporting each other as she has recently gone through a divorce. Apparently they arranged to meet up this week but have had to cancel as her son has covid. He does not see this a cheating but I feel like this has crossed a line.
    Am I overthinking & being jealous?

    #64657 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    Good morning,

    Perhaps deep down somewhere you already know the answer to your own question?

    If you ask me, intutition counts for a lot and the times when we ignore it, are the times where we may begin to go off track somehow and forget to be true to ourselves.

    This situation is new for you, as you’ve said and described the events before Christmas, which is an emotional time anyway. If you are anything like me you probably don’t get much time at all for yourself, with the kids – Covid pandemic and all the rest of it.

    I think you are probably right, and that he is seeing someone else. Trying to take a step back and find another explanation for his actions, I can’t see one personally. But then I’m at a distance to this and you are at close quarters to this situation.

    Whether he is or not, is even perhaps not the most important thing.

    It is clear to me that he is doing what he wants. If you are going to be a single parent, a lot of that is figuring out what you want and what is best for you. What works best for you and through that for your kids.

    So, ask yourself do you really want to be with someone you can’t fully trust, or rely on to be there for you in the difficult job that is parenting? Do you really want to invest the time, money and emotional effort to circle round this situation in couples counselling – for an extended period of time possibly?

    For some people yes, it might work to get some space as you say, and try ‘dating’ each other, get a spark back as you say. But doing this, and dating someone else at the same time? Sorry but the phrase ‘having your cake and eating it’ springs to mind. Him off doing what he wants and not sharing the load of day to day housework, parenting, decisions to be made etc. Fine if you have made the decision you want to live like a teenager again, if that is your choice, but expecting his still wife (not yet ex wife)to hang around whilst he does it – not so sure I would want to do that.

    You’ve got some really complex questions going on there, not least if you decide to get divorced – there are of course so many financial and emotional implications to that. If you do decide to go ahead with couples counselling I would make sure that your inkling that he is having an affair is on the table as soon as you start. State openly that you feel your trust has been breached and it might take a while (possibly never) to get over it.

    Some marriages survive affairs some don’t. It is difficult.

    Personally, as hard as it is, I would start focussing on the life you want to live, the kind of partner you would wish to have. Your needs have just as much right to exist as his, they are not somehow worth less than is needs. I’m sorry you are going through this, it sounds really difficult. What do you want?

    w.w.

    #64676 Report

    Deedum
    Participant

    Thank you for your response. And everything you have said is what I have been feeling. The thing is now I need to decide what I want. I’m feeling so very confused but I obviously need to take some time to decide. Thanks again.

    #64679 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    No problem. Certainly a very challenging situation. But perhaps if it comforts at all, better to deal with this now and not many months or even years down the line. Best of luck.

    #64698 Report

    watermelon123
    Participant

    You are within your rights to feel the way you do about it. I got cheated on, he got dumped before I found out. I thought I could forgive but in the end he didn’t exactly try make it up to me !

    I don’t think there is a lot you can do about it sadly, other than ride it out and focus on yourself. Sounds like it’s early days and could go either way which you might not know for a while. The limbo is the worst bit in my eyes, you just don’t know what direction you are going in yet. It is tough xx

     

     

     

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