Cheated on and left whilst pregnant
3 December 2019 at 12:51 am #33581
Hello, I am looking for advice on a situation.
I was with my fiancé for 4 years and we struggled to conceive, we was told we needed IVF. I turn unexpectedly fell pregnant and we was both so happy. In September I found out my partner was having an affair. I was 24 weeks pregnant. As soon as I found out he left me for the other women and blocked me. I am now 37 weeks and he has recently tried to get back in contact with me regarding our unborn baby. He thinks it’s unreasonable for me to not want him at the birth, he doesn’t understand why I want my baby to have my surname and he is expecting to be on the birth certificate. Admittedly I am unsure if to put him on the BC as he has been sending me messages saying that I need to get over the fact he is with someone else and when the baby is 1 month old he will be having the baby over night (at the new women’s house as that’s where he is living) and wants 50/50 custody. I don’t think this is healthy for a baby that young. Plus I have always wanted to exclusively breast feed!
He then threatens court..
Advice I am looking for is..
1) would you let him at the birth?
2) would you use your own surname, his or double barrelled?
3) would you put him
on the birth certificate?
4) am I unreasonable to not want to leave my newborn baby at such a young age?
5) if this goes to court what would you think the set up would look like in terms of contact?
please bare in mind I have had a high risk pregnancy and he missed several appointments when we was still together as he was “working” but actually was in a hotel with her.. and then since we have split up he hasn’t been to any appointments at all…
please leave your thoughts below as I really don’t know what is best…3 December 2019 at 6:11 am #33582
I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. Your ex is mind-bogglingly selfish. Assuming you are in the UK….
1. Birth is not a spectator sport. It can be exhausting, messy, difficult, drawn-out, emotional. The last thing you need is someone you can’t trust. Tell the midwives you don’t want him there. Don’t tell him until after the birth.
2. Up to you. I used my ex’s surname and have spent the last decade explaining to teachers, doctors and airport officials. It’s a pain. If I had realised, I would have used mine.
3. No. He can go to court and have himself added, which takes time, giving you at least a couple of weeks sole parental rights as a new mum.
4. The baby has rights to contact with his/her dad, and hopefully will have a strong & loving relationship. But court ordered access will likely be an hour or two each day or every other day, with you present, especially if you breastfeed. The dad has to build a bond first. Access gradually increases up to overnight stays at maybe 2.
So don’t be too concerned. Your ex doesn’t get to dictate terms. The best interests of the baby come first. I hope it all goes well x3 December 2019 at 6:17 am #33583
What a horrible way go treat someone.
I can’t believe it.3 December 2019 at 6:25 am #33585
Thank you so much that is really reassuring. Yes I’m in the UK! ☺️3 December 2019 at 6:26 am #33588
Yup… it’s literally been the worst time of my life, when I’m fact it should have been the happiest!3 December 2019 at 9:14 am #33594
I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant (planned, my husbands suggestion that the time was right) and have a 3 year old. I found out my husband was cheating around 4 weeks ago. He’s tried to say it’s finished with the girl (10 years younger than him) but I am aware he hasn’t and have told him this. He seems to think he can have his cake and eat it despite doing nothing to improve things. Anyway, just to give you my perspective on it:
1. No, I won’t be having him at the birth. He doesn’t know this yet as he asks me nothing about the baby now. He was not much help during my first labour and now he feels like a stranger to me and I would find it distressing to have to play happy families with someone like him there. If he wishes to be at the hospital to see the baby shortly after then that’s up to him but the actual labour is a no no now.
2. In your situation I would use my own surname. Unfortunately as my first child has his name I will be having to keep his surname and give the new baby it as well as the only way I could change my first borns name would be with his agreement which wouldn’t happen. I don’t want the complications of having a different surname to my children and so am stuck with it but you don’t have that problem and as you will be the primary carer then why should it be his name.
3. Once on the birth certificate the father has automatic parental responsibility. Again, I will name my husband as he is already on the first but I would be unlikely to in your situation.
4. You are not unreasonable at all. I didn’t even leave my first born with my parents alone for any length of time for the first few months! Also, if you wish to breast feed that is a factor as that takes time to get established.
5. In regards to 50/50 custody I would be amazed if that happened. The courts want both parents involved but when I have seeked advise they do what is best for the child, not the parent. Even though my husband has been there up until now the suggestion was he could spend half a day or a day a week with them (not overnight) as they will both be so young and I have always been the main carer. They said to then build it up if it suited both sides and the children over time. With the new baby they said if I was exclusively breast feeding I would not be expected to stop this. They said to me it is best to agree to the minimum contact you are happy with to start with and build it up over time as it is harder to reduce it at a later date. To be honest from the sounds of it he might not be so keen for 50/50 anyway when a baby is demanding feeding every few hours and throughout the night in the first few months anyway! My husband hasn’t ever got involved in that side of things so I don’t think that would suddenly change if he was on his own.
If you need legal advice I know citizens advice offer a free 30 minute session with a solicitor for things like this which could help with any of your main concerns.
Good luck and feel free to message me if you want to talk to someone in a similar situation!3 December 2019 at 9:31 am #33596
Kathymumofone’s advice is as always spot on, I totally respect all she has to say so please listen to her, I’ve been here for years and some people’s advice stand out for being sensible and unbiased, Kathy is one of them.
On a practical level if your concerned about things on a legal level I’d contact these organisations:
Child law advice service 0300 330 5480
Rights of women 020 7251 6577 We are a women’s charity working in a number of ways to help women through the law. Our vital services aim to provide women with the legal advice and information they need to understand and use the law and their legal rights.
Mark6 December 2019 at 4:10 pm #33700
Hello. I was in the same situation i was cheated on at 7 months pregnant. Mt ex waa not at my sons birth and could not be bothered to meet him until he was four weeks old. I did put my son in my name because like someone else has said it makes life easier if your child is in your name.
I was in and out of hospital the last few weeks of my pregnancy and i did it all by myself and like you my happy pregnancy was turned sour by his constant emotional turmoil.
My son is two now and we get through our life just the two of us and were happy that way. I hope you have strengths to know you’re never alone. X18 December 2019 at 11:08 pm #34198
Just to say (again) if I’d known that putting my ex on the birth certificate meant I needed his permission to do anything (holidays etc) then I would’ve thought it through a bit more. There’s always ways of adding but, it seems, no way of taking away!19 December 2019 at 10:07 am #34203
First off, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. My husband walked out on me when I was 5 months pregnant so I totally understand the devastation you feel. My husband like your fiance has acted in a totally selfish manner, and is currently refusing to have any contact with me. There wasnt another woman involved in the break up, but there may well be now, I have no idea! If I were in your situation absolutely no way would he be at the birth. Giving birth is a highly emotional time, and having him there will not help you. It will only cause you anxiety, which you dont need. Watching a child come into the world is a privilege, and he gave up that privilege when he made the choice he did.
As for 50/50 custody, that’s absurd. I don’t have any experience with court, but I cant imagine any judge would rule in favour of that, especially as you plan on breastfeeding. And it wouldn’t be in the best interests of your child. Babies need to have a constant full time care giver, especially in the first few months of life, otherwise they can end up with attachment issues.
My plan is to let my husband know that he can see the baby, but it will be in my home, with me present. I’m going to breastfeed too, so I need to be around. I’m going to suggest he comes 3/4 times a week for a few hours at a time initially, and as baby gets older we can review it. If he doesn’t like it, quite frankly it’s tough! He made the choice to leave, and these are the consequences of his choice.
With putting him on the birth certificate, it’s a tricky one. If you are wanting to claim maintenance money from him, then he’ll have to be named (as far as I’m aware) but then if he is named he obviously has all the other legal rights. You can put him on the birth certificate and still give your baby your last name. As people have said, you can always add his name later if you’re unsure what to do when baby is born. It’s a horrible situation to be in and I’m so sorry its happened. I would suggest that ultimately you think about what is best for you and your baby, and your ex will have to fit in around that19 December 2019 at 10:46 am #34205
I’m one of the forum moderators at Gingerbread. With regards to child maintenance, it’s always advisable to seek professional advice on the legalities around your ex-partner’s liability. You can do this by contacting our Single Parent Helpline. Here are the contact details:
I hope this helps.