Change in custody

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  • #63659 Report


    Hi ,

    I have had a 60/40 split in custody of our children 9 &4 yrs old with my ex husband.

    It has been working well but then majority of his childcare is done by his new partner whom he has a 7 month old with.

    He has recently gone self employed and his partner doesn’t want to go back to work until June.

    He has always been on 50k plus

    He has been paying a maintence of £250 , and Co parenting has been working well, something he wouldn’t be able to do with out the help of his  partner.

    Out of the blueghe has demanded 50/50 custody ( bearing in mind the children are settled) and if I refuse he will take me to court ( yes over 1 night a week)

    I know this is money motivated because in the same breath he intends to stop maintence with the 50/50 split.

    I have read about all sorts of loop holes a newly self employed person can use to pay next to no maintence , I know he has looked into this and CMS can’t prove his current earning yet. I am waiting for the application to be complete so I don’t know the exact figures.

    I am sad to say that I really rely on the maintence to help pay for the mortgage, I live alone with the children and have no extra benefits.

    He knows this is going to cause me to struggle every month.

    He has offered me £150 as a’good will gesture’ but eventually that will stop but I must give him 50% custody.


    My question is , I feel caught between a Rock and a hard place , I don’t agree with the change in custody its of no benefit to the children, plus its his partner caring for hin not him, but I really need that £150 ..I need the £250 if I’m honest, times are hard . I don’t know the result of the CMS financial investigation yet so I do not know where I stand financially,  but he has done his research and self employed  people seem to be tricky to tie down for the CMS. Not to mention the threat of family court if I don’t give him what he wants …I really don’t have any funds to be taken to court…has anyone got  any advice ? Any similar situations?

    Spoke to a solicitor and they advised saying no to 50/50 as he wouldnt be able to show the benefit of it For the children and he is doing it because of money ..however this doesn’t really help me financially…!

    #63733 Report


    Hi @Saraht20,

    The Child Law Advice service will be able to advise you on this. I’ve also moved your post up so other forum members can see it. Best regards

    #63785 Report



    he could apply to court for 50/50 but there’s no guarantee he will get it. it seems awfully difficult for dads to get it. i think the court will see it as so trivial, as it’s over one extra night.

    #63787 Report


    Hey, so sorry to hear your going through this. I hate seeing the other parent trying anything to get out of responsibilities.
    I can only comment from personal experience, as have dealt with a few threats like this from my ex. We split when our son was 6 months old, now 4 years old, and has lived with me 99% of the time. He’s now more involved but never consistent, always using excuses not to take him when planned. He uses work commitments as main excuse, however unlike you his current partner of 2 years refuses to help during these teams, even though they bought house together. With that being said he never helped financially for years so I finally went through CMS, which has resulted in his wages being arrested. This didn’t go down well, mainly because my salary is greater than his and he hates the idea of me having his money, however I felt this was needed as he has him overnight less than 50 days a year, and even when there I provide majority of things he needs. Like you said this money goes a long way, I’m lucky enough my monthly wage covers my bills but the weekly CMS helps cover our daily living expenses. He doesn’t agree that I deserve as much as I receive and questions how much it costs to look after our son, but he fails to see how expensive it is, constantly in new clothes, needing stuff for nursery, parties, days out etc. Like yourself he has threatened to take me to court for 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay me anything. The only difference is I know he will never follow through with this, as he can never stick to what already is in place. Especially the fact he would need to arrange his own child care for work, where as I do it all the now. I initially got upset and angry when he would say this, now I just agree with him, telling him it’s a good idea. He soon changed his tune, as I realised he wanted me to argue and say no, so he could go back to others and blame it all on me, leaving him looking like the perfect dad. I did look into court for split custody and found there’s steps to follow before getting to that stage, not too expensive, few hundred pounds and a solicitor will help set up agreement etc, if unable to agree to terms that’s when will go to court. Also when it comes to 50/50 and CMS they’re is still payments to be made, usually to the parent who has main responsibility, likely to be you, the one that arranges doc appointments, schooling etc. Amount would decrease however let’s him know 50/50 isn’t a get out clause. He’s also threatened about leaving job, changing to self employed etc, again it’s all hot air, trying to scare me in to giving in to his requests. Took me w while to realise what he was doing, but least now I no longer get worked up over his stupid threats. Sorry I couldn’t help more about court etc. X

    #65149 Report


    It’s my first post and reading this is helping ease my anxiety!  My ex has met someone new and in the past year things have slowly changed but have sped up since I contacted the CMS last year.  After years of erratic payments and arguments around money I felt I had no choice.   The sudden change in wanting more custody and overnight stays and more shared care has caused me real stress as I’ve always been open to any access that benefits our child so receiving threatening emails really shocked me.  I said no to a trip abroad as he has never taken the child on holiday.   It appears that his new partner is paying for everything. I’m concerned that they drink and going abroad while we are still in a pandemic along with safeguarding concerns I have is giving me sleepless nights.  I have now be threatened with court and the order to override any decisions I  make.

    I’m not opposed at all to my child having more access to her father as I have always believed that it would be in her best interests.  However, now reading this and on reflection I’m wondering if all this has been simply about money.  His new partner has four other children but she doesn’t have custody and I’m concerned about her control now over my ex as he has stopped speaking to all his family who our child is very fond of.   He has rarely paid for anything, makes more money than I do and has made me feel sorry for him over the years with stories or debts, depression and struggling to pay his bills.  Yet, he lived with family and since moving in with his new wealthy girlfriend I have found out that he also didn’t pay them and has debts outstanding.

    I’m so tired and feel quite overwhelmed with this whole situation, I have always tried to be balanced and put the best interests of my child first but I also feel quite broken and feel that there are two of them against me.  He seems to have become nastier and money has become no problem for me.

    Meanwhile, I have maxed out my credit cards and since the pandemic lost my job while now working two part time jobs and trying to set a business up so I can be independent again.  Thanks for even reading this and any advice gladly welcome.

    #65150 Report


    * He seems to have become nastier and money has become no problem of him…(not me)


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