Brand new single Dad and not doing well

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Lisaschles 2 months ago.

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #27647 Report

    Chris999
    Participant

    Hi, my (ex) partner told me today that our wedding in November is off and it’s all over. Devastated doesn’t even come close. We had a bit of a rocky time 2 years ago which she now says she can’t get over.

    We have a 6 year old boy and I can’t be without him for a day let alone a few days. I know there’ll be no issues with seeing him but it’s killing me along with  the fact that I still love my partner madly.

    I’m a 48 year old man and at the moment I feel like a snotty 15 year old who’s been dumped by his first girlfriend.

    I have no friends apart from work colleagues, all my friends moved out of London years ago and we don’t really see each other these days. Just the odd text etc.

    I <b>never</b> thought I’d feel this alone

    #27649 Report

    ThreeDogtanians
    Participant

    Hi Chris

    So sorry to hear this. First of all – it’s still very early days, there may be a chance she will change her mind (if that’s what you want).i was very much in your shoes four months ago and things DO get sunnier. Even though as we get older friendships drift and everyone gets immersed in their own private lives your real friends will be there for you and support you. Have you reached out to them ?

    #27651 Report

    Jj19
    Participant

    Hi,

    You’re bound to feel indescribably low right now, I can totally empathise with where you are emotionally.

    I know it won’t make it better today but you will start to see chunks of light in tunnel as you go through it. I feel the same ‘re friends and that’s my thing right now but most of the time it’s ok to just get through the day.

    You’ll feel like a bruised auto robot for a while, possibly a long while everyone is different, but it’s ok to feel like that. I felt guilty for not being fun mum/friend but my kids and colleagues are understanding on the occasions I feel able to be honest about my feelings.

    As the other respondent said she may change her mind and if that’s what you want too then go for it and make adjustments and be happy. But that’s the important thing…you and your child’s happiness and sanity.

    Do whatever you need to to get through and use this outlet, it may not be face to face but putting it out there helps.

    I hope you can find some rays of light soon, look after yourself and your son and know that whatever you do is the right thing.

    #27653 Report

    Chris999
    Participant

    Thanks for replying, I appreciate what you’ve said. I can’t talk to anyone at the moment as I’m an emotional wreck and on the verge of crumbling at any moment. I’ve had to go out, obviously alone. Having a couple of beers. Going home soon as being out is just as painful

    #27667 Report

    TinaA
    Participant

    Hi

    my heart goes out to you. I remember exactly how it felt.

    Ask yourself this…. these friends who have drifted away. If one of them text you saying they needed help, would you? They will do the same for you. But you have to ask them. And it’ll be easier by text.

    you certainly find out who your friends are. Some will surprise you, some in a good way and some not so good.  But you will have true friends who will support you.

    And sometimes just focusing on how to get through the next couple of hours may be all you can focus on. That’s ok too.

    Use this forum, it’s amazing and helped me through some really tough  days. I’m 18 months down the line now. You can do it, even though you feel like you can’t x

    #28137 Report

    Lisaschles
    Participant

    Chris,

    Sending hugs to you, and please know you aren’t alone, a lot of us are feeling how you’re feeling now – or thankfully have got through it and are happy again.

    Are you able to go to counselling? I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me to get through the various stages of grief, because that is what you might be going through after such a destructive moment in your life. I hope you can trust that it will get better and you will find happiness again!

    Lisa

    #28895 Report

    Chris999
    Participant

    Hello

    I’m still on the same situation. I am still looking for somewhere to live which is suitable for when my son stays. I can’t seem sort myself out emotionality, I get the impression my now ex sees this as being weak. I’ve already been told that ” I just need to get on with it”. I know I do but I find it a struggle. I I know I need to move out ASAP for my own sanity

    #28947 Report

    Jim123
    Participant

    Hi Chris,  sounds utterly, utterly, hideous for you mate.  Some American youtuber I watched right at the beginning for me described the first few weeks of a split as the Saving Private Ryan on the beach stage, you know the bit at the beginning of the film when all the bullets and shells are whizzing around? Anyway that’s was a pretty good analogy for how I felt for me and I know how horrible it is.   Friend wise I know how that can feel too because your whole social structure and dynamic changes.  Some people really step up, although I can count the ones that did for me on one hand, and others really disappoint and let you down.  One of the most supportive for me was/is my mate in Australia who I speak to all the time.  It would be great if he lived next door but speaking to him still helps a lot.  If you know even an acquaintance whose going through or been through the same thing I’m sure they would be there for you.   As Churchill said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going”.  The initial shock will pass quicker than you think and you will find you are a lot stronger than you thought you were. Good luck mate, hope everything works out for you whatever happens.

    #29207 Report

    Chris999
    Participant

    Thanks Jim, I am thinking a bit more practically now. The saving private Ryan comparison is spot on. Im dodging the bullets a bit better now..

    #29229 Report

    AnnaP
    Participant

    Hi Chris,

    I hope you are managing to get through this. I think that’s all any of us can really do. One day at a time. My partner of 30 years has announced he wants to split up. Having friends can help but right now I can’t talk to anyone . You  will get through it, you are not alone, so many people going through this and we need to stay strong for our kids. Take care of yourself and your son. Sending hugs.

     

    #29231 Report

    red23
    Participant

     

    Try not to let your ex-‘s comments get to you. It is totally acceptable to be broken right now. Maybe you are better off in the long run without someone who is so dismissive of your emotional world.

    Beer is sometimes the only place to put your broken heart, but you need alternatives for when you are more ready to heal. Try a concert or a walk or a comedy show, etc. Things which you can do solo that will lift you up not drag you down.

    Whenever I am lost in my own life, I ask myself “what would I tell my son if he were going through this?”. That way you know you are not beating yourself up and are on your own side.

    #29310 Report

    Chris999
    Participant

    **** me. We’ve gone away for a week that was booked before the bomb was dropped. She’s just told me that I repluse her.

    We had both agreed to do it for our sons sake. I wish i hadn’t come.

    I’m in a really dark place..

    #29314 Report

    Clairelouise39
    Participant

    Jim’s right….. keep Churchill in mind! That’s what I do Chris. My situation sounded similar. I’m now almost 2 years on and going to start dealing with the D word. I have no parents and all our friends were so shocked when it happened and now busy with their own lives. I have a 7 year old son and am 40 next month. I was in such a dark place for a year and it was hell trying to work out what I was going to do. But……… pick yourself up. The alternative is FAR worse… my son used to worship his father and I’ve done my best to defend the ‘cant come today now.. say sorry for me’ – but he is older now and seeing more.. only advice I can give is to keep your head down and get some support to keep it together. I referred myself to Mind by the NHS website. Very discreet and I was given 6 weeks counselling- it was the best thing I’ve ever done. ‘I can see clearly now the rain has gone.. ‘ and so on.

    Keep going Chris. Your children will see how far you come and that you only want to provide a healthy happy home for them. Get yourself a bolt hole and throw yourself into it. They will see you happier eventually and that will mean the world to them.

    Go for it.

    #29317 Report

    Lisaschles
    Participant

    Chris, I’m so sorry she said that to you, I’m sorry to say this but it sounds like she has issues of her own. Be strong and maybe tell her if you are going to separate she needs to do the simple deed of being NICE, for the sake of your son. Often when people say cruel things like that it’s because they feel **ite about themselves. Sounds like you need to have some space from her.

    Sending hugs to you.

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