Brand new break up.. overwhelmed 😔💔

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Stewart67 1 year, 5 months ago.

Viewing 10 posts - 16 through 25 (of 25 total)
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  • #9812 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    I’m not a trained counsellor. I know my counselling was about giving me space to grow into because the life I had was now gone. I had to create a life that didn’t involve thinking about my children 24/7. Someone said an important thing to me; it’s no good collapsing and saying you’re nothing without your partner. That’s not why your partner loved you in the first place. Of course, it doesn’t mean that by being the best Mum, dressing great, looking confident, smiling, etc, will bring HIM back, but it will bring YOU back. And your children need the best YOU you can be.

    It does sound like you need to talk. Verbally express yourself. And not to your family and friends. Or at least, not just to them. When we lose a partner we lose something that was once much closer than the mother who gave birth to us, or the father who wiped our R-ses. And all that jazz. A counsellor is distant and non-judgemental. And one day will be gone. Your family will still be there and you will want to look them in the eye without seeing your past.

    By all means PM me anytime.

    You do have something solid already. Don’t get so fixated on the dog poo on the grass that you miss the playground ahead. You have your children, and always will.

    #10162 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    to SJF9.  Has this weeks been any better?  A lot of what you say I can really relate to.  Although my situation is a little different how you describe your feelings is exactly how I felt and still do at times.  A lot of good advice on here though and plenty of people willing to offer any support they can.  For me talking about it and writing down feelings has been the best ways to help cope with it and not trying to look beyond the next few hours at a time.  Look after and be kind yourself.  Feel free to pm me.

    #10164 Report

    ItIsWhatItIs
    Participant

    Empty – I was moved by your post – your situation sounds very familiar – PM me if you need to as i’ve just come out the end of child disputes in family court (went all the way to final hearing).

    #10181 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    This week has been a little bit of a whirlwind. Just trying to focus on my little ones and keep them from all of the turmoil, at the minute that is what’s getting me through, being grateful for them and putting all my energy into it. I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt slight relief from the sadness. Mainly when the moments of anger creep in and take the place of all the hopelessness for a while. To be honest it’s nice to feel anything other than just overwhelming sadness and loneliness.

    I know the number one thing everyone says is that it takes time..  but keep finding myself longing for time to speed up so I can feel normal again. It’s like each day is as long as a week, and my constant thoughts are of my ex and our life and memories going around my head. I’m literally fighting to get through to the end of each day just to then say right same again tomorrow. It’s exhausting 🙁

    #10204 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    How long were you together? Have you spoken to anyone about it? Don’t suffer in silence. I phoned samaritans and they were fantastic. They phoned me back on a couple of occasions and i found it a comfort. Just knowing I could count on them was  comforting to know. I would recommend councilling as well. I tried to do as many things as I could to help me.

    #10238 Report

    Ady
    Participant

    I’m a male and in the process of a split from my wife who is mother to our 1yr old. I’m trying to keep it together and hold down a full time job but not having the family around and staying in my mates spare room is hard. My time with our son is precious, but I’m struggling to separate being with him from painful memories of happier times with his mum. I still think she will get back together but I know inside she won’t. I’m not eating, watching all night news, and drinking every night. I’m sure things will get better but like you I’m so overwhelmed at the moment. My friends are a great comfort though, so lean on yours as much as you can, that’s my only advice, and everything I’ve read or been told says we are normal, this happens a lot and things will get better.

     

    #10241 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    Talking with people going through the same thing/or who have survived it.. is honestly my biggest help these few weeks. Sometimes I feel like I’m repeating the same things over and over when talking with friends/family and it makes me feel very aware that they are trying to support, but not fully being able to.. can already feel people tiring of the conversation.

    I think the hardest part is getting back into routine life, but feeling just the emptiness, like something is missing (which I guess it kind of is) and just the immense sadness that “normal” has been changed forever and it wasn’t something I got a say on, it was just thrown upon me to deal with.

    I gave up work, To raise our kids (three & one years old). So my entire life is essentially in this home. However now that home life has fallen apart I feel right now I’m just living within all the pieces of it. I know it is still very early days and I constantly have to tell myself it will get better.

    Just sometimes feels like I’m literally counting every second of every day 🙁

    #10262 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    I’m sure they are not tiring of the conversation. More Likely they are searching for the right thing to say that is going to help. What can you say really. The way you describe how you feel about it rings true for me although it was my wife that left me.  I felt and still do at times like that but you’ll find a way. I gave up trying to understand it because it was getting me nowhere. I know it’s hard but try and be positive. I am sure there are people on here who will help you through it. I know it’s helped me.

    #10308 Report

    dadof2
    Participant

    My wife left me completely out of the blue (from my perspective) just before Christmas and I am still struggling with it all.  I still can’t believe how I got through the first few weeks.  A lot of my sadness came from the idea that my future is not going to be what I thought it was going to be.  For some reason, I was continually thinking about family holidays with the kids at different ages that will never happen.  We have a 5 year old and a 3 year old and my only wish for them was happiness.  I know this is achievable with separated parents, but it’s certainly going to be harder and I feel that I have brought them into this world and completely failed them almost immediately.  Looking into their eyes with these thoughts whirling around my head is often a good way for me to start welling up prompting my 3 year old to say: “are you tired dad?”!  “Yes, I am a bit” is my standard response!

    Now I’m starting to look back for warning signs that I might’ve missed.  My sadness is coming from both my inability to measure up as a husband (certainly from my wife’s point of view) and simultaneously my own judgement as I’ve obviously got no idea what is going on with the person who I am closest to in the world.

    There are some very strong people on here who are coping with all sorts of difficulties and have seen the darkest side of humanity and they are getting through things admirably.  I’m trying to model myself on them.  I’m talking to a counsellor which I think is helping.  There is no shortage of things to talk about at least.  I am talking less about things to my family because I have decided that although they have the best intentions they aren’t helping in my case.

    I am surprised at the things I can do.  I can enjoy a few drinks with my friends.  I can use work as a distraction.  Obviously if you are a full time stay at home parent, those things are more difficult, but although it sounds trite – try to find the positives however small they are and focus on them.  Try not to think too far ahead.  I also think that when the tears come it helps to “own them” and let it happen.  I’m not the manliest man in the world, but it was pretty hard to write that last sentence!!  I’m confident that time will heal too.  These little strategies have helped me at least.

    #10808 Report

    Stewart67
    Participant

    SJF9  i’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I know how horrible this whole thing feels.

    Last year I was 50, and my wife and I decided to do lots of things I never done before kind of 50 things before and 50. We went to the ballet, to Wimbledon to the tennis, did things that were expensive did things that were free but generally had a fantastic time. I had my 50th birthday in October I share the same birthday with my wife although she is 14 years younger than me.

    Then in the run-up to Christmas I just knew something wasn’t quite right, but because we put all the decorations up on the 1st December, I didn’t wanna spoil things by addressing the issue but something was nagging in the back of my mind. Fast forward to January and I asked my wife “what’s up it feels like to suddenly just turn into friends”

    She replies “I don’t think I love you anymore”. Boom! She said she been unhappy for years,She didn’t feel that we were emotionally connected or  physically compatible.  Boom! This is a woman I’ve been with a 13 years laughed with, loved, adored and we just had one of the best years in our time together I believed. I asked them if you seeing someone / having an affair she said no, but a month later into the confessing when I quizzed her again and as it turns out it wasn’t just sex she had fallen in love with this guy and she then started seeing him at Christmas.

    Our Little boy will be 7 in June.

    It has absolutely devastated me and blow my world apart. She lived in the house for seven weeks while treating me like dirt, so I told it to leave three weeks ago, and very much against her wishes she is now left and is living in serviced apartments. My son is living with me and she has access to him he is now having him overnight.

    I only joined gingerbread today to help find people That I could share my experience with, offer some Emotional support too, And perhaps strikeouts new friendships with people like myself I have been devastated by the acts of someone that they love them trusted to help me build my love and trust the people in general back up.

    Happy to share some advice on things that worked for me, And also seek some advice on the support of others. I look forward to hearing back from you all.

     

Viewing 10 posts - 16 through 25 (of 25 total)

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