Brand new break up.. overwhelmed 😔💔

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum Brand new break up.. overwhelmed 😔💔

This topic contains 24 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Stewart67 1 year, 5 months ago.

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  • #9751 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    Any advice on the first week or two of a break up? My partner out of the blue just decided this wasn’t for them.. left and has cut all contact, no questions answered. I went from thinking we were both happy and content, to my whole work upside down.. no warning signs at all. I can’t even start to face these feelings. So overwhelmed don’t know where to turn. Two children aged 3 and 1. Just need anything to help ease this agony and pain. 😔 Any advice welcomed. Please. 

    #9756 Report

    Sparkie
    Participant

    Hi

    im really sorry you’re having to go thru this, being blindsided is awful. I’ve been there, came home from work one day and by the time I went to bed everything was in turmoil. Theres no one way to deal with this and you’re not going to be able to properly process things for a while as your missing answers. All I can say is take it slow and try not to focus on everything that needs doing. My first few weeks were a blur, I still don’t know how I managed to keep working, do school runs etc but you do because you’ve the most precious people in the world depending on you. Have you any family or close friends that can be around to help with the day to day stuff?

    Some people would say don’t cry in front of your kids, stay strong and whilst I agree with some of that I don’t think there is anything wrong with them knowing this is upsetting you but do it in a way they can understand – definitely no full blown melt downs, save those for when they’ve gone to bed. Given your eldest is 3 they’re going to know something is going on but how much detail you go into is up to you.

    Unfortunately its going to take time which I know you won’t want to hear. Do what feels right to you and be kind to yourself.  Hopefully you’ve someone you can talk to but feel free to PM me if you need to. Sending hugs 😊 x

    #9760 Report

    Louis
    Participant

    Hi Cant put it any better than Sparkie, but it does get easier. Looking back think I must have gone onto auto pilot. You will probably find friends and family  will rally around, don’t be afraid to ask. My wife walked out after 28 years  leaving me with the children, for a 21 year old  thought we were happy then, bang like you say your  whole world comes crashing down. Their is light at the end of the tunnel, just takes time, my advice take each day  has it comes. If you need to talk  feel free to message me.

    #9762 Report

    Bubble_liz
    Participant

    I have just posted similar to you! I am 6 weeks in and struggling too. I have focussed on the kids and that is helping. Happy to chat if you want to, I have a feeling we are in a similar place 🙂 Sending strength. x

    #9765 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    Thank you all for taking time to reply 😔 .. It is reassuring that I’m not alone and not going crazy feeling all these drowning emotions.

    Everything is just so overwhelming. The pain is so fresh and ive never experienced anything like this before. Feel like I want to cry 24/7. Life day to day is at the minute so forced and lonely. I’m not enjoying moments with my children, and it makes me feel overwhelming guilt. I’m only managing to hold myself together in spells throughout the day for the kids.

    Have severe anxiety about the future, we made plans, booked holidays (for 7 weeks time). Kids are asking when we can call or see my ex partner (who hasn’t attempted to make contact for even them).

    Knowing that it’s going to be a slow and drawn out recovery is so scary, already the days feel like they are 100x longer than ever before. 😔😔

    #9766 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    Also my brain keeps trying to convince me that it’s early days and my partner may come back.. extra confusion in the midst of it all.. I’m such a mess 💔

    #9767 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Hi SJF9 – I was the same. For six weeks I didn’t eat a thing and couldn’t sleep at all. My body eventually gave up over New Year. I thought I was going to die. On 4th January I started eating a little bit. The next day I slept for the first time in seven weeks. Then day followed day and I sorted my head out a bit and finally started doing something.

    You’re in good company at Gingerbread. If you ever need something, PM me. But keep posting and help others too, that helped me.

    Also, this number is useful:

    Support with any parenting problem: Family Lives 9am-9pm weekdays, 10am-3pm weekends FREE helpline 0808 800 2222 http://familylives.org.uk

    All the best.

    #9768 Report

    Sparkie
    Participant

    Hi SJF9

    Youre not going crazy, that rawness will ease a little everyday. Don’t focus on getting through a whole day, when you’re going through something like this, time isn’t you’re friend, so break it down into smaller bits. But if you want to cry, then cry. There is nothing wrong with it, like a purging of the soul, holding it in will make everything worse so go for it. But as I said before, be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up about anything you’re feeling, that overwhelming need to howl at the universe will also ease with each passing day so don’t hold it in. Oh and should anyone give you that ‘tough love’ advice? Hit them in the ……….yeah flat out ignore them. My dad threw some at me after about 7-8 weeks, I don’t think he’s ever said anything that could have hurt me more, even watching me break down in front of him didn’t stop him. I knew he didn’t like seeing me hurting but it was the worst thing he could have done.

    Like Empty, I didn’t eat, only shoved something down my throat when people where around so they’d stop nagging lol and I went to bed but didn’t sleep, so do either when you feel like it. You know you need to for your kids sake so baby steps there too.

    what you tell your kids is up to you and you alone, stuff what everyone else thinks. I know what you mean about your head telling you they’ll come back, I also had the same except my ex left leaving me with false hope that we’d fix it as in his head that was the kind thing to do. It wasn’t I assure you, that was probably worse than actually leaving as I then got flattened all over again.

    hope today is a little better x

     

    #9775 Report

    TheonlyWendy
    Participant

    Hi, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s the worse feeling in the world as you’re dealing with complete rejection and it’s a complete shock, having no answers doesn’t help but also I found the reasons I was given also didn’t help as it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. sometimes I crave no contact as it’s really hard having to see the ex when handing over the bub. I’m 5 months in and I’m getting there but every new surprise puts me back, such as finding out he has someone new and going away with them for a couple of weeks, all I’m imagining is he has this incredible life that he didn’t have with me and it’s hurtful but it’s my perception, it might not be the case. Coming out of the blue is a selfish act on the others part and the lack of control we feel doesn’t help. As with the other advice, you need to cry, you need to talk it out and you just keep going because you have to and you will find your own way to do that. I found work was a welcome distraction and reading advice on here has really helped me not feel I’m the only one. I still don’t know what I’m really doing but the feeling of dread and sadness has faded, I also couldn’t help thinking he would realise his mistake but it was false hope. It won’t feel like it now but make this make you stronger, you don’t deserve someone who can do that to your family.

    I hope you are okay, sending hugs.x

    #9781 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    I have accepted a job offer, just waiting for reference clearance to go through. I think it will really help with getting on track.

    I orriginally gave up work to stay at home with our kids (as I was pregnant with the 2nd before my maternity was over with the first). So the only identity I have had for 3-4 years is here with 2 kids under 2.. in our home.. raising our family.. with everything I am.

    I have some friends that I have told, and they do check in to see if I’m ok..although they all work and have kids and husbands etc. Just feel like nobody understands. My mom is here for me, but again it’s hard as she is protective and also angry and bitter for me, so sometimes talking to her doesn’t get me anywhere near emotional relief.

    Feel like everything I’ve given of myself and my life for so long everything I’ve sacrificed and put into building this life has been stolen and thrown away ..just so easily. Centred it all around my partner and kids, and now I’m very alone and hurting at the same time.

    I am honestly SO glad I looked online and found this group.(thank god for the internet) I didn’t know where else to turn for help and I’ve never been a part of anything like this before. However The last 24 hours you are all my saving grace. Every time I read a reply from someone who understands and shares their experience.. the tears just flow and don’t stop, And it’s like my feelings are verified and it’s a release that I’m not alone (or going crazy). Xx

    #9782 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Well done SJF9. We’re all here for everyone. You don’t have to be crazy to post around here. It’s just the usual introduction…

    😉

    Take care – good luck with the job.

    #9795 Report

    TheonlyWendy
    Participant

    SJF9, you’re definitely not crazy!! It’s totally normal emotions!! Good luck for the job though, it will definitely help with the fresh start and give you more a sense of doing something for you and not just domesticity, your confidence will increase and you don’t need to mention it at all, it’ll be a real escape. I felt the same, I gave up everything and was left at what felt rock bottom with little light, it felt so unfair as it was so undeserved, but you can’t change people’s feelings unfortunately and when they’re done, they’re done. All you can do is start building yourself back up again and be strong but it won’t be an immediate thing.

    My proud moments are things such as taking bub on a day out somewhere or a night away, so simple but no reason not to continue to do things. Although  I feel I have bored people to death with my moaning and they no longer can say the words to make me feel ok, (verging on annoyance 🙈)but your mind is your worst enemy!! Is there a group near you?

    Remember you’re not alone though, it feels lonely as you’re adjusting but you have your kids, your mum, friends, us and hopefully a new job with more people opportunities. Hold on to that, you’re doing great.xx

    #9798 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    This group has made my whirlwind emotions feel a little more validated. I guess you don’t think of how many people experience these things until you actually do it yourself. It’s SO SO lonely, yet you’re actually in a group of literally millions of people who have been there and done it too.

    Need to constantly remind my self that it’s a go slow process.. it overwhelms me that nothing I do or think or try makes any change right now.. maybe because I am yet to feel any better at ALL, not one bit of relief this first few weeks 😔 It’s exhausting.  Just seems like it has swallowed me whole and I’m stuck here in my own sadness. So draining doing “normal” things all day for the kids, when I don’t feel normal at all.

    My mum has emailed a councillor to arrange some sessions for me.. had anyone else done this? Did you find it helped or have any advice?

    Thank you all again. Honestly. So much xx

    #9802 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Counselling really does help. But it took me weeks to know and accept it. Don’t try to rush things is my advice. It’s like losing a limb. Yeah, you know one day you can get a prosthetic and learn to walk again from scratch, but there also needs to be a mourning process. If you’re shot with a bullet it’s usually the shock that kills you. The wound can be patched up in minutes. The shock may never fully go.

    My wife left and took the children and I’ve had no contact since, from seeing them everyday, cuddles and chat all the time, and the best part of a year as their sole carer. I collapsed mentally and physically. Counselling gave me three good pieces of advice that helped me climb up towards the light (although even now I’m not there yet).

    One: Hide all their photos – that was hard. But it worked. I used to get ready for work, sit on the sofa, look at their pictures, and the next thing I knew it was night-time, and I had a dozen missed calls on my mobile. I had no idea what day or time it was.

    Two: Work. I got signed off for a bit, but I had the cleanest house in London. I couldn’t sleep, but I could keep busy.

    Three: Socialise. All my friends and family are too far away to get to. The phone helps. The internet, and groups and fora like this. I also do creative writing, something I gave up when the kids came along, because, well, kids are real and need time and attention. People say to me “oh, but writing is the loneliest hobby of all”. Nonsense. Anyone you create on the page is with you in the room and telling you what they would do and say in any given situation. Some of it is shocking! It’s like being a ghost in the life of someone else. But it helped me.

    You will find your own way(s).

    But don’t rush it. It does hurt. Soak it up. Get to the bottom of it. Then start climbing. Trust the process.

    x.

    #9808 Report

    SJF9
    Participant

    It gives me a little hope to hear it has helped others, and that a councillor could aid my recovery. Desperately need to just take one step out of this hell hole. Any advice on how to approach it to get the most from it? A starting point? I feel like I don’t even know where to start.

    I cannot begin to even try and imagine what you have been through losing your children. I honestly don’t know how you have got through to where you are now. I know that the ONLY one thing that has kept me functioning AT ALL last week, was my 3 & 1 year old needing me to. Without them I would have no reason to.

    I think my anguish is mainly coming from total and utter confusion. And as you say.. shock. I don’t know which way is up or down, there is nothing solid to start from, even though I feel I’m at rock bottom.

    I have started journaling my feelings at bed time to get them out of my head.. but I’m so all over the place, one minute I’m angry, SO damn angry, the next I’m convincing myself that my ex MUST miss us at some point it will hit and they may come home, next I’m taking blame for my ex leaving and not being enough, the next I miss my ex and am crying over losing the best thing I ever had. It’s just all consuming and confusing.

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