"blended families" : how do you do it successfully?

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    VillageMum
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    Anyone been in this situation and can offer advice or support I would love to hear from you and if I can offer any in return I certainly will…

    My kids are 13 and 9, they’ve lived with me since 2012 when me ex husband and I separated. Their relationship with their Dad faltered, crashed then burned after he moved 200 miles away a year ago along with a baby, new partner and her daughter. My kids had felt let down by his choices, behaviours and his treatment of them and abandoned by him. My son (9) particularly struggled with generalised anxiety around 18 months ago about me disappearing for some reason (prison, death, them being taken away from me by social services; although that has never ever been a remote possibility – nor prison I hasten to add) and we had some counselling to explore and help get over the issues, which really helped. This anxiety I know has been triggered by feeling unable to control his environment – Dad ups and leaves, gets new family, moves away. He’s been tonnes better and has become more resilient however we aren’t out of the woods yet. I can give lots of info about the counselling and how it helped if anyone would like it, very happy to share the experience.

    I had a relationship during this time with someone who wasn’t ever going to be father type material for them and it ended a year ago. I know now looking back that this relationship also featured in the anxiety triggers.

    But I’ve now met a wonderful new man, with lovely son who lives with him full time, we both know we want to live together and have discussed marriage privately. He is totally committed to my kids, loves them to bits and my wider family are very happy we have met. My son though veers from “yeah you should get married because then I’ll have a Dad again” to ” I’m only pretending to like them because I’m being polite but actually they are really horrible and I used to be the funny one and now you don’t laugh with me any more you only laugh with them” etc. In other words he feels vulnerable. But all 3 kids do get on very well, have a lot of fun, but all 3 are at times affected by this sense of fear of change and unsettlement and vulnerability.

    I don’t want to lose out on a wonderful future I know my family can have as a blended family with my new partner and his son; we can make a fantastic family altogether. Anyone any experience of this situation, given that this forum is bound to have single parents who are embarking on new relationships that include other kids? Any ideas of how to handle the kids’ worries and not damage the new adult relationship? We have been together for 9 months now.

    #9459 Report

    Butterfly13
    Participant

    Hi, Its so nice to hear you have met someone who you feel is not only right for you but for your children too.

    I too have very recently come out of a relationship which deep down I knew wasn’t right as he couldn’t give me everything I wanted for not only me but my son too. I am now hoping there is someone out there for me that loves me as much as my son, I just have very little hope at the moment though so it’s nice to hear your positive news.

    Unfortunately I do not have any experience in blended families apart from being a teenager when my parents split. I would say keep talking to your children, maybe ask what they expect from it and just be honest. Maybe make time for just you and your children so they still have quaility time with them. Have you been on a family together to show what it could be like? Hope it all goes well for you

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