Bereavement- single mum of 2
11 July 2018 at 2:52 pm #13276
I just wanted to know if anyone on here is experiencing the loss of a partner?
I lost my husband aged 32, last June, kids have started counselling and I’m worried sick, they just come home and say they’ve played, yet I get all the anger and no explanation, my eldest, 9 now, doesn’t even know what he feels, in counselling he has made England things. My 5 hear old daughter, has drawn her entire family. Is he dealing with it, he seems in the here and now yet at home, it’s all hate life, wants his dad back. It was a sudden cardiac arrest, happened at home I early hours, so children were very aware.
Thanks, I hope to hear off anyone as I’m feeling very lost as a parent.12 July 2018 at 8:17 am #13291
We’re all sorry to hear of your loss. I strongly suggest you start by contacting these people for advice:
Support with any parenting problem: Family Lives 9am-9pm weekdays, 10am-3pm weekends FREE helpline 0808 800 2222 http://familylives.org.uk12 July 2018 at 8:09 pm #13321
I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss.
Is he dealing with it, he seems in the here and now yet at home, it’s all hate life, wants his dad back.
That’s entirely understandable. Even as adults we struggle with the permanence of death, we dwell on what might have been, the things we could have said and done, the one thing we could say to our loved one if we could only have them back for a day.
For a child it must be insanely difficult to appreciate the permanent nature of death. This is particularly so if their first experience is not the rabbit or hamster but a parent. I feel for both your children and there are no words anybody provides that can be of any consolation.
Things get easier over time, yes, but I appreciate if that’s no consolation now. You are in the present and have to deal with the present and that’s difficult at the best of times made even more difficult by the fact that you’re grieving yourself.
All I can do is wish you strength. Your children will benefit from the strength you show. And patience. And understanding. But for when you need a little bit of love and support yourself, do you have a good shoulder or two to cry on? Family, friends? Use them. They want to help and often don’t know how to.
How long have the children been going for counselling? Are the counsellors any good and do you get to speak with them and get their feedback and suggestions?12 July 2018 at 9:50 pm #13323
My daughter’s daddy passed away suddenly 2 months after her 5th birthday in 2016. Breaking the news to her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I sought advice from her school as I didn’t have a clue where to begin or how to answer my daughters questions. The headteacher spent 2 hours talking me through everything and the school have been incredibly supportive.
I was very open and honest with my daughter and tried to answer everything as truthfully as possible. She was involved in choosing the flowers for the funeral and stood with me when I paid tribute during the service.
I arranged counselling through the school and it was centred around play therapy. She learned to express her feelings through her artwork. If she was feeling sad the characters in her pictures would be crying. She drew lots of pictures of daddy and wrote about how she felt about him.
At home we created a memory box and wrote down things she remembers doing with him or things he did to make her laugh. We read them together sometimes.
My daughter suffered awful night terrors linked to losing her dad and I found it helped if she drew pictures after to express her experience of it. She hasn’t had one of these episodes for around 10 months now.
We have anger issues at home sometimes, particularly around Father’s Day or birthdays. She was very emotional on her 6th birthday last year – the first without daddy.
I spoke to her counsellor for a debrief and to get advice on how to support her going forward. The counsellor suggested she may need further counselling as she gets older and her understanding of it all develops.
I have been open in expressing my feelings of sadness so she knows it’s ok to feel the way she feels. We have a little cuddle and a cry when needed.
It’s incredibly hard to deal with your own grief on top of that of your child (as well as all the practical challenges you face when you have to deal with everything alone). I visit my own counsellor once a month to help me keep on top of my feelings as last year I ended up very ill after trying to soldier on for too long.
It’s awful wondering what effect it’s having on your child. We have had to deal with the additional worry that my daughter may have inherited the heart condition that caused her father’s death. We have to have tests every 2 years. She had been very brave about it all.
I’m not sure I have any advice to give other than to ask for support from the counsellor and the school. There are other support groups out there that can chat to you on the phone and offer advice.
You will all get through it together as a family. Keep talking about it. Maybe read books together on the subject- that really helped my daughter understand better.
Please make sure you look after you too.
Take care x13 July 2018 at 6:51 pm #13373
hi, Your not a lone, I lost my wife coming up for 7 years now, my girls were 2 and 5 now 9 and 12. Only advice I can give is always be honest, I was honest wright from the start I did not want any secrets, I also got my eldest into play therapy, she had play therapy through the ellenor lions hospice and then through the school I think that helped her loads as they make things do to with the parent they have lost. I also had counselling, I probably saw various counselors over a three year period, I think talking is important. I hope this has helped a little. Paul17 July 2018 at 7:33 am #13525
I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away suddenly in December just before Christmas and telling the kids (14 year old son and 6 year old daughter) was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do.
I got them counselling through their schools and we have made memory jars so for all the dates which are difficult (birthdays, fathers day etc) we look at them.
My daughter does counselling through play and drawing. I was advised by the counsellor to get her a notebook so she could write or draw how she is feeling and have done the same for my son. We’ve had a lot of up and down days with tears from my daughter and anger from my son. I would suggest speaking to his counselor or family liason officer at school if you are worried. It may also be an idea to make sure he isn’t being picked on at school. My daughter was bullied just after my husband died they told her they couldn’t play with her because she didn’t have a living dad she had a ghost dad so wasn’t from a normal family!
I also looked at cruse bereavement and widowed and young. They have support groups and also do family activities that you can go to so you don’t feel isolated and uncomfortable. Plus you get a bit of extra support and ideas how to tackle these things.
I have tried to be as open and honest about everything as I can. It’s hard and in a honesty I have pretty much cried myself to sleep each night but I’ve just been trying to take each day one at a time.
If you want someone to talk to get in touch. You’re not alone and although it doesn’t feel it you are doing great, Sarah xx