Being messed around with contact
19 July 2021 at 5:32 pm #56729
First time posting on here. I’ve been separated from my children’s Father for over 2 1/2 years, they have never seen him consistently despite me asking numerous times to put regular arrangements in place. My children love him very much and I feel it’s important that they have regular contact with him. He recently got into a new relationship and as a result has put more effort into ringing them but still no further forward in arranging regular visits. As it’s the summer holidays and as most single parents will know I have to plan out work, holiday clubs, play dates etc in advance so have asked him for days he’d like to have them over the holidays, after 3 weeks of waiting he gave me the dates and I’ve let him know which days they are available. I then got abuse about it not being enough(I said yes to 6 days out of 9 he asked for) and now despite asking twice he won’t confirm. He has had them to stay once in the last 9 months and this is the first school holidays that he has given me any dates to see them, as it’s normally as and when he feels like it. I feel so worn out and frustrated having to chase him all the time to make arrangements and see his children but I do it for their sake. Is anyone else in a similar position? I guess I’m just after some advice of how other people would handle this situation because it is really getting me down. Thanks for reading x19 July 2021 at 6:23 pm #56730
it’s great that your encouraging dad to see kids. does he live far away, or he’s just not bothered?19 July 2021 at 7:21 pm #56731
He lives about a 15 minute walk away so bothered enough sadly…19 July 2021 at 8:23 pm #56732
sounds tiring. Maybe you could leave the ball in his court, and not bother chase him up anymore. wait for him to make contact again if he is serious.19 July 2021 at 9:36 pm #56737
It is…. yeah I think I will do that. It’s just unfair to keep holding off plans or cancelling when he decides he wants them, so don’t know if I’m wrong for just going ahead with our plans anyway! Thanks very much for responding, appreciate it.20 July 2021 at 6:45 am #56739
Hi, maybe he sees it as you nagging him ( clearly your not) so in my opinion in future send him an email along the lines of – I need to plan the school holidays, what dates do you want to have the children?
I need to know your answer by (date) if I hear nothing by that date then you will not see the children or only if and when it suits my plans.
I have to pay for childcare in advance, if I am going to lose money because of your late reply I will only accept any change of plans if I am reimbursed, I will provide you with proof of payment.
It is not my job to chase you to see your children, you either want to see them or you don’t. I have to plan for their care and this has to be done and paid in advance. This is the only time I will send you this so the ball is very much in your court, I am being reasonable so if you don’t respond in time then you only have yourself to blame.
That’s what I’d do anyway!20 July 2021 at 10:20 pm #56761
Thank you very much for the advice and the wording, I shall definitely be using that and an email makes it a bit more formal. Will give it a go and see if I manage to get a response. Thanks for taking the time to message 🙂20 July 2021 at 10:27 pm #56762
Good luck, I hope it works out.24 July 2021 at 9:13 pm #56917
thank you very much.4 August 2021 at 6:32 pm #57209
How did it go?5 August 2021 at 10:10 pm #57257
Hi, I’m glad I read this post. I’m going through a divorce at the moment. We had a recent meeting to discuss the parenting plan and childcare. My husband ( is a pig ignorant selfish pot head) has always been reluctant to book leave during school holidays, in fact he would usually take time off once they return to school! We were discussing plans for school holidays with the mediator yesterday and I tried to approach the subject this morning and instead of getting the nice amicable person he pretends to be during these meetings, got a barrage of abuse about how he won’t be sacrificing his holidays, etc. But then in the next breath, because he knows I will be away with the kids fir a few days this weekend, it’s been planned and communicated to him, starts kicking off that he won’t be able to see them! Honestly, he does my brain in. He only seems to want the kids when it suits him. I think I may do as suggested, if still refusing to cooperate and write to him, with a deadline and leave the ball in his court. Or perhaps I will see if he would like to fund some holidays clubs (mmmm, I think not!)9 August 2021 at 10:32 pm #57392
Hi, sorry just got on here to reply. Despite trying had zero contact from him and now all but two of the days agreed have gone! I think at this stage all I can do is whenever he finally decides to make contact, respond by email and keep it as formal as possible. Sadly my youngest in particular is really upset that she isn’t seeing him, therefore when he does ring to speak to them and makes promises to see them, I’m left picking up the pieces. It’s very hard to protect them from someone who is causing them harm but they also want to see so badly….9 August 2021 at 10:48 pm #57394
Hi, sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I really never thought it would be this hard and I’d have to be forcing him to want to see his children and it’s sad to hear you are going through similar. I have a few male friends fighting to see their children and yet I’m dealing with the opposite.. I’ve had my share of verbal abuse so I can understand how that feels but as soon as it goes down that road now I stop the conversation and ask to try again the next day, so definitely don’t put up with any of that. I also hear similarities in him changing his mind and I do think in both our situations there is an element of control on their parts. I’m clearly no expert as I haven’t found solution yet, however each time I put a boundary in place and take some control back, I feel slightly better for it. Wishing you luck x9 August 2021 at 11:22 pm #57395
It’s tough but setting reasonable rules and expectations for the ex will in the long run protect the children, clearly one of those needs to be don’t promise the children anything he is not going to deliver on.
I hadn’t expected to protect my children from their mother ( she is bipolar and was manic for months) during that time I refused to let her see / talk to our children. I did arrange supervised visits but she did not attend any. The rules to talking to the children were not something I had thought of, they were recommended by a children’s charity. I listened in to the calls and if she broke the rules I just hung up. I also advised the children to expect that to happen if mummy talked about things she shouldn’t. It’s harsh but it worked, she eventually agreed to the rules and stuck to them ( she was then back on her meds) and after a while I could just let them get in with chatting.
good luck and stay strong.10 August 2021 at 12:19 am #57397
Yes you are definitely right and up till now setting rules isn’t something I’ve been great at. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of experience, although I appreciate your situation sounds very different but I will definitely be taking your advice, to try and limit the damage to my children. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Thank you