26 August 2020 at 12:26 am #43232
Hi, I recently split with my ex, May this year. After 8 years I’d had enough. He never financially contributed and I had concerns regarding my sons best interests.
I have 3 kids, 2 of which were to my ex partner (we split 2012) and my son who is 6.
I suffered quite badly with PND with my son and buried my head in my work. My ex partner wasn’t emotionally supportive. Earlier this year I thought about ending my life. Looking back it was stupid. Fear had lead me to believe there was no other option, I changed career and realised that how I was feeling was because I was so depressed. I’ve since realised how abusive my ex was and the horrible things he had said had convinced me I was worthless and how he had contributed to my low self esteem. I still feel crap about myself now and the fact that my ex makes demands on when he wants to see our son is soul destroying. He doesn’t have my sons best interests at heart. He refused to get a job when we were together and everytime I begged him to find work to take the pressure off me, He would say “don’t put pressure on me, concentrate on your own life” but when you’re providing for 5 people and he is living in a house where I pay every bill it contributes to making you feel like you’re only there to provide for everyone. When my son is away from his father I can raise him in a more positive way. I’ve noticed how much more loving my son has become and he barely speaks about his father. I’ve cried for hours tonight because my ex text earlier and told me to get my son to ring him, which I did. My ex now lives with his sister who is dependant on alcohol and cocaine but has finally got a job. When he is on the phone he is questioning my son about what time he is going to bed and who is having him when I’m at work etc. Things he shouldn’t be speaking to my son about. He then makes false promises over the phone about seeing him and lets him down. When my son questions me I just say “daddy must be working” then my son takes his anger out on me and begs me to let his dad come home. I’ve texted my ex partner to let him know how my son feels but he sends me messages back calling me a fool, a scumbag etc I feel so lonely and like I’m always going to have to take his abuse.
has anyone else been in a similar situation?
sorry for ranting on.26 August 2020 at 11:50 am #43241
Honestly, I haven’t been in this situation myself. Me and my ex, thankfully, are amicable and becoming a bit more civil. Although I’m still not sure he is reliable, I at least know his initial intentions were pure.
However, when we were together, he did expect me to cover his costs in the household with my benefits fully due to his outgoings taking all his wages from his 16 hours per week job. He also expected me to look after the baby all the time because he wasn’t a ‘baby person’. Luckily, we hadn’t moved in together, instead we were planning for when the baby arrived – we broke up before moving in together.
My point is, I can’t imagine how you felt! Because as soon as he expected that, I argued and was enraged with the audacity of him expecting that! I don’t blame you for leaving him because he sounds like he was not a supportive partner and, in fact, being a financial burden on you. (I don’t know if he looked after the kids whilst you worked as you haven’t mentioned it, so I can’t comment on whether he was a househusband or not though.)
If I were you, I would try and maintain calmness when talking to him as much as possible, without getting into heated arguments. I suffered emotional abuse from my father and it sounds like he wants a reaction to make sure he is getting to you. It also sounds like he may be, wrongly, trying to use your son as a weapon to get at you by telling him untrue things, etc. making sound like the bad guy. Can’t say for sure though as I don’t know enough about the situation.
Have you tried arranging visits instead of accepting him just phone calling? I mean depending on how bad the relationship between you 2 is and how often he is letting your son down, I might even say that I wouldn’t be accepting him just speaking to him via phone until he actually makes to effort to see him. It’s a harsh line to take, but if he isn’t working, then he has the time and with benefits, he has the money. Phone calls aren’t an alternative to visits, unless there are exceptional circumstances like distance or jobs involving travel, etc., but even then you’d expect them to make the effort to visit as much as they can. If he has no excuse not to visit then he should be instead of just phoning.
Whatever you decide to do, he, hopefully, will calm down in time. He sounds like he is bitter about the split and having to move out the house and now financially provide for himself. Hopefully time will heal and he’ll stop holding a grudge. But, definitely do not rise to him by actually turning angry yourself… you don’t want your son actually seeing you as the bad guy, so try and hold yourself high!