baby’s father being there at birth

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  • #47463 Report

    alvalxx
    Participant

    For background- I am due late March/ early April 2021 and my baby’s father broke up with me when I told him I would not be getting an abortion. This obviously hurts but I have accepted that he was scared – he is not a bad person… maybe just a bit useless. He is 37 but very much stuck in his youth.

    After a difficult first few months of pregnancy where he would not speak to me, or, when he did would be angry at me and say I had “ruined his life”, he has finally come around and is excited about our future little boy. Outside of lockdown we have seen each other once a week to try and build a foundation for us to bring our baby up as friends (involves a lot of biting my tongue as we are two very different people!!!). He is quite cold and distant but friendly – no prospect of getting back together.

    I’m writing because I’m really nervous about the birth. He’s very keen to be there and I do not want to deprive him of this experience but as I said he is cold and distant. To the point where he flinches when I have tried to get him to feel the baby kick and has told me I should be talking to my friends about the struggles I have faced during pregnancy rather than him. He has not attended any scans and did not accept the scan photo I tried to give him. He is not interested in my feelings and says that “this is what I wanted” when I mention any negative in this pregnancy (fortunately I have mainly had an easy pregnancy).

    As I say I am trying to treat him with respect, but the thought of being at my most vulnerable  in front of him is really worrying me. I’ve tried to explain this to him and he gets very defensive but also when I have told him I need him to be “on call” to take me to hospital (meaning he might have to miss his usual Saturday night beers for a few weeks) he got very angry at me. It is like he doesn’t want to put my mind at rest and almost enjoys the fact I am worrying/ he has some control over the situation. He was not very sympathetic to my anxiety issues when we were together and will be even less so now. I have not struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy thankfully but I know on the day I will need a lot of reassurance and hair strokes …

    I was wondering if anyone had been through something similar and if they regretted allowing their baby’s father into the birth. Also if someone had not allowed baby’s dad in and regretted this?

    I feel I am sacrificing a lot of my feelings to suit his demands and don’t want to cause any arguments. I grew up in a very hostile environment and my priority is avoiding this for my baby boy.

    #47467 Report

    warwickshire1
    Participant

    I dont think he deserves a right to be at your birth. He has for starters not attended any scans and thinks it a major chore to be on standby if you need him to take you to go hospital. Had he been there and supportive and you got on well then why not. You are best off getting a friend to be there for you instead.

    #47472 Report

    FurBag36
    Participant

    @alvalxx

    Hello my lovely,

    Pregnancy and birth are a time you need to be at your most relaxed and with, if possible, the least amount of stress.

    I never realised this until I was pregnant myself but what we do, is nothing short of a miracle.

    Growing, nurturing and bringing life into this world is very much under rated.

    The emotions, such as vulnerability and anxiety among others, are feelings which will encircle you. Your mother’s instinct kicks in.

    I say your mother’s instinct is what you need to listen to and follow now.

    Your ex is being incredibly selfish! He is gaslighting your feelings. It sounds as though he is causing you to feel very isolated and there is no support from him!

    He is clearly showing no interest and to accuse you of ruining his life….well maybe he should think about contraception too!

    He sounds like a child! And from experience of just dumping off a “child, let me tell you now my love, you do not need it!

    Raising this baby is going to take up a lot of your time and attention. You do not need to have a child on the sidelines going forward.

    I’ve just left my partner because of similar attributes. We have a ten month girl together. To be honest, I left it longer than I should have because I was worried about the effects it will have in her.

    But to be honest, as long as your baby has his mummy, plenty of love and security, that’s all it will need.

    Do not let him bully you or poo poo your feelings. You need support and encouragement going forward. He certainly doesn’t sound like he’ll provide this.

    I had a very difficult birth and when I picture you going through the same and with him in the sidelines….let me tell you now, you do not need it!

    Don’t feel you are depriving him of any right because quite frankly, he relinquished that right when he decided not to support you!

    You need all the emotional and mental support you can get. Put you and baby first my love. It’s just you and baby who are important.

    Do you have anyone else you’d like to be there?

    Please please do message anytime you feel you need to rant or need direction/advice. I’m right here. We are all right here.

    #47473 Report

    FurBag36
    Participant

    Not to say it will be difficult for you. I just meant, in hindsight from my experience, it would be awful if you happened to have a difficult birth; it would be worse if he was there too.

    Any anyway, the midwives would chuck him out even if they thought he was a hindrance in any way.

    Always here for you. You are not alone ok.

    #47476 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    As parents, we don’t get many chances to please ourselves and put our own needs first but the birth is one of those times you need to. You really don’t need to be considering someone else’s feelings whilst you’re giving birth. Being present at any birth is huge privilege for anyone you invite to support you, and share this time. You may only ever get the opportunity to do this once, you need to enjoy it and have someone there whose willing to rub your back, armed with words of encouragement when you feel like giving up and your requests for an epidural fall on the deaf ears of the midwife!

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