Baby dad keeps bailing on seeing her
7 December 2019 at 9:30 pm #33718
Hi Everyone 👋🏻
I’m mostly writing this to vent, I’m really frustrated with my ex tonight- I hate that we’re not together and he’s still having a massive impact on my emotions.
soo…. we have an agreement that he has her for a few hours on a Wednesday and overnight on a Friday. He keeps bailing on his Friday overnight – he seems to see the weekend as his time to get drunk. He bails but then asks to see her a different day instead e.g a few hours on the Sunday or Monday afternoon.
I’m annoyed that he’s not sticking to his side of the agreement and that he doesn’t seem to want to see our little girl at the weekends. My family and friends say that when he asks to see her other days that are not our set days (eg the Sunday or Monday) that I should say no and make him stick to his days but I feel that by doing that I’m not only spiting him but myself too as I then have to go longer without a break.
I also know that he will then bad mouth me to people saying that I’m not letting him see our daughter on the days when he’s asking to have her.
any advice how to move forward proactively? – when I point out that he’s being selfish by not sticking to his Friday and going out instead he just can’t see it, he says things like I’m ‘spoilt’ and that I’m trying to control him – which is so far from the truth, tbh I’d prefer him to stick to his side of the agreement so I don’t have to have much to do with him…
thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice… xx7 December 2019 at 10:29 pm #33720
It’s not a nice situation to be in! And to be honest it I think you’ll find it hard to move forward productively with someone that chooses drink over seeing there child.
I’ve been there and you feel so trapped and controlled by there behaviour. The frustration trying to reason with someone like that is so difficult, when you’re expected to be there the majority of the time and they can’t show up through pure selfishness. It’s utterly heartbreaking to know your child is not there top priority and one day your child will realise that, which is so sad.
saying that, maybe suggest alternate Fridays and Mondays. You shouldn’t have to pander to it really.
try not to worry about being bad mouthed either, I know how it can hurt knowing people have an unfounded opinion of you. But believe me with time, people see the truth and opinions start changing quicker than you think.
x8 December 2019 at 8:44 am #33734
Thank you for your replies.
I see that I should be a bit stricter with not allowing him to see her on other days when he doesn’t stick to his Friday but I didn’t want to get into the type of co-parenting relationship where we stick entirely to our arrangement and can’t help each other out from time to time.
but at the moment he’s well and truly having his cake and eating it.. I’m the one left without being able to have a minute to myself at the weekend, while he’s out having a great social life.
I did suggest that we alternate Fridays and Saturdays but he was adamant that a Friday suited his routine better so I eventually agreed that he’d have her every Friday, but he isn’t even sticking to that.
im so angry with him at the moment, we’re rowing a lot lately about his lack of effort or wanting to see the baby, it’s reaching a point where I’m going to stop asking him to see her and just resign myself to the fact that he’s not a great dad (it breaks my heart though, because he has an older daughter who he also co-parented and he literally would do anything for her and have her any time ☹️) xx8 December 2019 at 9:14 am #33736
I really feel for you. It sounds so similar to the situation I was in. I tried open access, taking my daughter to see her dad, days out together, then a structured arrangement which took ages to agree to and lasted 2 weeks until he didn’t turn up due to being hungover.
He said regularly “I’ll leave you both alone, she’ll want to see me when she’s older!” He knew this would get to me as I was desperate for her to have her dad in her life and he’d get his own way, through my desperation for him to be in her life. After 21 months of hell and emotionally abuse, when that line was used I was at my wits end so said fine, don’t see her! A few weeks later he then wanted contact, so I sent him details for mediation so tired of trying to reason with him. 8 months on he still has no contact and he has no intention to contact mediation as he feels he shouldn’t have to…. I do agree he shouldn’t have to, but at the same time I shouldn’t have to endure what he was putting me through.
it used to get me so angry that he couldn’t make a phone call and spare an hour of his life in a meeting to arrange to see her. And also hearing how I was being badmouthed…But if someone can’t even do that, are they really a going to be a good influence one your daughter??? Probably not. Obviously if he steps up in the future, I will be fine to support her to see her dad, but it will be structured and have to start in a controlled environment so his alcoholism doesn’t affect her and destroy her like he did me.
Take care! It’s a hard situation to be in, but don’t feel like you’re alone! X8 December 2019 at 9:24 am #33737
Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s good to know that I’m not alone.
It’s her 1st birthday next Monday and obviously Christmas coming up, so I don’t want to be in constant arguments with him so I think that for now I’ll allow him to see her if he can stick to our set days but if he misses his day then he doesn’t get an opportunity to rearrange or swap for another day, he just has to wait until his next set day. I’m honestly so shocked and upset that I’m having this issue with him, I was expecting it to be the opposite – that he’d have her on his set days but then be contacting in between for more access…
Similarly to your ex, mine is also very emotionally abusive when I point out that his behaviour is unfair and selfish – he says things like ‘nobody likes you..’ and other completely nasty and unrelated comments xx8 December 2019 at 8:19 pm #33755
He may be not having her at a weekend so you have no time to go out? So he goes out instead. Speaking from experience I never was bothered but when I did make plans I always had a back up. He lost two years of weekends ☺ x8 December 2019 at 9:58 pm #33759
That’s a good point about him perhaps not wanting me to go out. I’ll start making sure I have a back up plan, unfortunately though I don’t have a huge support network around me to have her if he cancels. X9 December 2019 at 1:23 pm #33814
I wish I had stood up for myself and kids sooner. 3 years later put my foot down because I thought any contact is better than none and right thing to do. I was wrong letting a Dad be a glorified babysitter is wrong on his part and also mine. Foot down staying down Id have been slagged off anyway xx