b/f of 9yrs, been split for 1 month, now he wants daughter to stay at new g/f

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum b/f of 9yrs, been split for 1 month, now he wants daughter to stay at new g/f

This topic contains 9 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  GingerbreadJustine 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • #27058 Report

    Ruby21
    Participant

    My partner of 9 years who for 5 years we had a loveless relationship have recently split up(1 month) ago.Since split he has been living at his mothers house, but she has severe mental health problems and my daughter has told me he left her with his mother the other day. Obviously I was not impressed and I said she cannot stay over night until you have your own home. His response was I have a new girlfriend and my daughter can come and stay at her home. I have found this very distressing as the new girlfriend smokes weed and has social services involved with her baby. My daughter is also still very upset about the split and coming to terms with it all. I have told him that she will not be staying at the new g/f as it is too soon and too confusing for my daughter. I said he can have her in the daytime at the weekend and once after school, but I do not want the new g/f being introduced yet. Can I control when I think it’s right for my daughter to be around this person. The story gets more complicated as the new g/f is actually a friend of his sisters and my daughter already knows her and has suspicions that something is going on, which I have had to lie and say no because she found it upsetting. He has handled the situation terribly and has shocked me how he has not prioritised our daughter and her feelings

    #27059 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Legally you have no control over what he does with his contact time and choices he makes.

    However this is complicated by the ss involvement. As potentially there ARE safeguarding issues which you do both have a responsibility to prevent impacting on your child.

    in the first instance I would contact ss as I assume you have all of the new gfs details and I would ask if there remains involvement and ask for whether they believe that this poses a safeguarding risk to your child. If they do then get the sw’s name and email ex stating that as ss have advised you she poses a risk there is to be no contact or whatever ss specify with the gf or at her home.

    state categorically that if he does not safeguard your child in this manner that you will stop all unsupervised contact and he will need to find and pay for a contact centre.

    This way you’re following the advice, letting him have opportunity to safeguard and prioritise your child.

    With regards lying about their relationship – I wouldn’t. This could be the first of many. But your daughter needs to know she can trust you to be honest with her.

    Regarding the grandmother, unless there are ss involvement there then you cannot stop contact again if the father sees this as appropriate. Mental health per se does not mean inappropriate, unless a risk to herself and the child.

    Hope that this helps.

    #27060 Report

    Ruby21
    Participant

    Thank you for your quick response. Will ss just hand over information to me? She is in a council flat and she will not say he’s living there as to avoid rent. So I’m guessing they are not aware of him!

    In terms of his mum, her condition is severe, with regular suicide attempts and wanting to harm others and being sectioned. This was a family that I sheltered my daughter from when we were together and now he is putting her in the middle of it all. I have a ’normal’ family and good values and morals, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s involving my daughter in .

    #27063 Report

    Liane
    Participant

    I agree with Solo Mummy.

    You need to be certain that where you child is staying is safe. Have you spoken to her?

    Most parents like to have other patents phone numbers, its safe thinking. “Hey your kids here” scenario.

    Have you tried speaking with her???

    #27070 Report

    Ruby21
    Participant

    I wish it was that simple, I spoke to him this morning about it and said I wouldn’t be happy with our 7 year old staying there until I have confirmation that social services are ok with the situation. As speaking to him is like dealing with a child his first response was, why are you bringing them into it, its not her fault. But I said if you have nothing to hide then it won’t be a problem. Then I received threatening messages from her, saying not to get her involved in the situation.

    I am so annoyed as I haven’t wanted anyone involved in an already distressing situation for my daughter and now it seems he is trying to punish me and blame me for him staying at her house!!There is no respect for anyone’s feelings

    #27075 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant
    1. Report the threatening messages to the non emergency police line. It may seem ott but this is whom he’s opted to move on with and you need to safeguard your children.
    2. Speak to ss. Regardless of above, explaining  what has happened and that you’ve reported topolice.
    3. Speak to court alerting them to him living there .
    4. Speak to dwp alterting them also.
    5. Speak to ss directly about your ex’s mother  situation to clarify this in the same way.

    That may appear malicious. It’s not if they’ve nothing to hide. But it maybe all that stops your child being taken there.

    #27077 Report

    Ruby21
    Participant

    Thank you, I feel really stuck because my daughter is asking why she can’t stay with him anymore and I’m having to say because he’s sorting somewhere to live, but really he’s got no intention of finding his own place like he promised her as hes taken the first easy option.

    #27078 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Sadly some people struggle to be alone and independent and jump from one situation to another.

    i wouldn’t lie to her. I’d just say that until he has appropriate accommodation that overnights cannot happen.

    #27080 Report

    Ruby21
    Participant

    Thank you, you have been helpful. He’s just so frustrating because I am handling the situation so carefully to minimise damage and putting her feelings first, and it just feels like he has completely let her down. Not even looking to build a life for him and her and instead just focusing on himself. Whereas I am completely dedicated to making sure she is happy and in a good place and improving myself to reflect happiness on them. I could just scream at him- but he doesn’t get it

    #27092 Report

    Hi Ruby21

    Thankyou for contributing to the forum.  It sounds like you may benefit from getting some professional help and advice.  There has been some advice given to you on this forum.  Please remember that this is not an advice giving forum and suggestions and tips from other parents are just that.  I will be contacting you with some signposting options to professional agencies which should be able to give you some up to date information.

    Thanks, Justine

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