Awful situation-newly separated dad to a baby
23 December 2021 at 12:10 pm #64102
New hear. I am in a real state and could do with advice please and support. I have a 10 week old daughter. Met my partner last year and it was bliss and everything was great, moved in after just a few months to her house and i felt so secure that we decided to have a baby and got pregnant straight away in Feb 2021. I am 39, she is 33. My partner and I broke up a month ago. 4 times i have been banished from her home since April as i got cross with certain things, we had arguments, said some hurtful stuff and then she asked me to leave. She would have no contact or very little in those exile periods and i would beg and eventually she would invite me back, grill me to change and it would be ok. I never knew in these times if it was over or not. I did loads, chores, cooking, looked after her after c section and mastitis, did night feeds, worked and always it has been like that. She did not return the favour much. I loved her though. I am going through divorce and my ex moved in to my house so i have had to battle that and for a few months, a long commute for a while as my new partner lived further away. I have been tired etc and she often wanted me to fit in and do things she wanted with less regard for me. I still loved her though. She told her parents about the arguments we had and they turned against me-she had a previous bf who was worse than me, and caused a lot of upset for her, but i never went that far-they were arguments-no abuse etc. I found a message from her dad recently that said i lacked empathy and skills to be a good parent and always will as i opted to not take my baby to AndE late at night when i saw she had a cold and no red flag symptoms. The Doctor my baby saw the next day agreed with me. I cried for a while after the message then tore in to her dad to her and defended myself.
I felt isolated as i moved to her home, changed a good job close to where i had lived, to be closer to her etc. When i knew her parents knew about all our disagreements and everything i had said in the arguments, I felt very isolated and under attack. They are a family who are well known in the area as they are involved in events. I stopped attending things with her family as a result. We had a nice day out together but i felt my partner had not stood up for me so i was irritable, picked an argument and she said right thats it-dumped! I had to leave at 2am. She would often intervene with baby and say not like that, not like this, but i was doing a good job, doing practically everything. She accused me of taking bottle out of babies mouth too quick when we argued.
After the break up, 10 days passed and i heard nothing. I did NC and then finally got in touch. She told me my baby was in hospital and this was her second night in-had stopped breathing. Was diagnosed with a congenital condition which is now thankfully largely under control but still risky. None of her fam or she herself told me about this though, i found out by chance. She said she hadnt heard from me so assumed i did not care. I asked to visit but this was not sorted before she was discharged. She was then admitted again shortly after-i was not told.
I spoke to my partner a few days later for the first time on phone and she was brutal, telling me to move on etc. Pick my stuff up, get key. I arranged to visit, but she was cross it wasnt sooner, but i had arrangements to see my friends in place, as i needed their support. I still love my partner and child and so was anxious to go back to the house again. I went and it was nice. Very mixed signals. She said probably no to getting back together, but then never say never, and tested me, if i came back now would i say yes-if i asked for help tomorrow-would you come. Was cross i had deleted our photographs on my phone and that i had met with my ex wife to discuss the sale of my old house. She said ive given you chances and you havent changed-what will you do later. My crime is arguments some times and hurtful comments, but i always take responsibility and take all blame. I missed scans during these exiles and was only invited to gender reveal on the day it happened. I feel now though that i got upset for reasons rather than being mad or unhinged as i was being lead to believe.
She said she had forgotten the time of my visit and was at friends so i had to wait for her to come back from there. I gave presents over to her for baby and cards-i got no card. She made it clear she was coping great with baby and her family support is good. Texts are only in response to mine and are very direct and i have sent some lovely messages.
She said she will think about how i will be involved-ive offered to be there everyday, i always pay her £400 pcm for rent and always bought lots of the shopping etc, and i passed 500 over after we broke up-she never thanked me until i asked if she had got it. Takes the money but says doesnt want it. I said i love them both and will come anytime, do anything. Few days have passed and she is responding about scant details but i just dont know how to play this. I feel awful about it all, myself etc. I just ask how are you guys and get nothing more than slow repsonses that are succinct.
She said i should have driven to the hospital and not even asked-her dad came straight away etc. But i didnt know! She said she is not going to date, wants to focus on baby and is seeing her play date friends etc like nothing has happened. Posts pics of baby on facebook-i missed my babies first smile and this was posted on fb so i saw it with everyone else.
we were amazing once, but it started to change as i moved in. It was the most perfect start to a relationship ive had.
What is going on guys? And what do i need to do to show them both maximum love and respect from this position i am in?
Thank you so much
D23 December 2021 at 12:26 pm #64103
Also should i should add i was exiled a week before birth and so only knew i was involved when she brought me back in to fold the sunday before our baby was born-even then she sent me home and said you can come back tomorrow, then her waters broke. Her mum was going to go to birth but she faked illness on the day so i should go. i was criticised for being anxious at the time but i was lost that week.27 December 2021 at 8:22 pm #64171
Jesus buddy this sounds like it shares a lot of parallels with what I’m going through. Last time I was here it was troubles while my wife was pregnant. Now the bay is here nothing is changes and I have just had a very stressful Christmas. I will PM u