At a loss

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  • #60656 Report



    After any helpful advice please, I’m at a complete loss as to where to go with my current situation.
    In short, divorced from ex a few years ago, he has been controlling and abusive since the split, we have a now 8yo child. Child lives with me and only sees dad every other weekend as he moved 70miles away. He isn’t involved in anything to do with school, well-being, education , activities or general day to day parenting.  Wouldn’t know where to begin with explaining the mental abuse that still continues even though he’s barely involved, but because he sees her for 48hrs a fortnight there has to be some communication, which is only via email now.

    We don’t have any court order in place, the only official routes I’ve taken is child maintenance to cut any control, which I think angered him.

    I am trying to find out how I can stop the mental abuse, i don’t have enough evidence for any sort of restraining order as it’s all done via our daughter being used. I’m sorry if this is vague, I just don’t know where to turn anymore, the gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour is all so much.
    I want to try mediation, but I know he won’t turn up, thank you in advance.

    #60674 Report




    It’s so difficult because unfortunately he is still in your life and there has to be some contact because of your daughter. With emotional abuse and narcissists a lot of advice is just to get them out of your lives which doesn’t help in this situation really.

    I would say it is worth gathering evidence though as you say there is not enough but the law and awareness around emotional abuse has moved on in the last few years… Often when you write it all down you start seeing there is actually quite clear evidence. I would definitely then get one of these free 30 min consultations with a family solicitor to see where you can go with it. Also wondering whether there are any services that you can access that can do the communication for you, so that it takes away that element if he is using abusive behaviours, otherwise maybe speaking to a counsellor who has experienced in this could help you look at ways to deal with it.  Those are a few of my thoughts.  With emotional abuse there are organisations like women’s aid, domestic abuse UK and refuge which have specialists in this field. Obviously gingerbread helpline may be able to link you with resources services too

    Take care, these personalities are very difficult and the most important thing is that you are able as best you can to minimise the harm on you and you child and look after yourself and her the best you can.

    Just as a side note, family courts I’m told also do not like it when parents use behaviours to try and impact negatively  on the relationship of a child with the other parent. If you arranged mediation and he refused that wouldn’t look great for him either I’d say.  So I’d try it and see what happens, as it would be in everyone’s interests including the best interests of your child.

    Take care and good luck x





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