Arrangements with child's father

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  • #33315 Report


    I’m having real trouble getting through to my son’s father that it isn’t acceptable for him to breeze in and out of a two year-olds life as and when. He’s disappeared off the face of the earth and totally ignored every attempt I made to contact him (as has his family) for over a week then he pops up via text yesterday asking to see him over the next couple of days as if this never happened. I responded saying I needed to think about it and we need to have a proper discussion about things going forward, included proper arrangements to see our son and child maintenance. I offered mediation. Since I replied, he’s ignored me. I feel like he is plotting something – his message to me was so polite and seemed oblivious to what he had put myself and our son through by disappearing. It was like he wanted me to react badly or deny him access. He has refused to have a proper discussion with me in the past, simply saying he ‘didn’t want to’ and told me I shouldn’t expect a life outside of caring for our son as I am his ‘sole care provider’, he won’t make arrangements for further than a couple of days in advance and I believe this is to prevent me from making plans. He has already prevented me from working as I worked a Flexi contract around his shifts and he had our son while I worked – he now refuses to help with this.


    Any advice? I don’t want to be seen to be stopping him from seeing his son but he seems to think he can just drop in and visit and that’s not fair on anyone.

    #33316 Report


    Oh and he also seems to think it is appropriate to do everything via text and he ignores me when I don’t respond how he would like.

    #33319 Report


    Why don’t you propose a regular schedule that seems reasonable to you. Send it to him for agreement and say unless he wants to make any adjustments, this will be the schedule going forward. Your son needs a settled routine.  If he prefers text, ok, say all communications will be by text in future except emergencies.

    Provide access to your son on those days. If he doesn’t contact you and doesn’t show up that’s his fault. Keep all texts. You can prove you have tried to accommodate him. If he messes you about, don’t respond, just keep confirming the next date in the schedule.

    He’s messing you both about.Sorry but  it’s time to play hard ball.

    #33326 Report


    This sounds like a very similar situation to mine. My child is 2 and he’d pretty much gone before she was born. I have tried my hardest for him to have contact taking her over to him, him coming to mine (when she was really small), him having and open access arrangement to fit his work, a scheduled arrangement (lasted 2 weeks) then didn’t show, in the end after being sick of her not coming first and constantly being shouted at and made to feel bad for 18months .i said enough is enough!! You want to be a dad, you contact mediation and we can make an arrangement. 8 months on and no mediation request. People think I have stopped him seeing her and this hurts, I haven’t stopped him I just couldn’t continue with the constant barrage of shit, so put the ball in his court. The effects of people thinking I was in the wrong prompted me to  contact a contact centre for him. He ignored the request. In all honesty people who matter, will no how hard you’ve tried and will no how little he has anyone else really isn’t worth caring about.
    It’s tough going and I know how the stress of the situation affects you and it’s hard. I now know my child has stability and is happier for it, but it will always hurt and frustrate me that he won’t make the move towards mediation. I would do it myself but I then feel like I’m forcing him to be a dad and spent almost 2 years doing that with no joy.
    there really is only so much you can do xx

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