Are my feelings normal??
4 January 2021 at 7:57 pm #47600
So I found out today off a mutual friend that ex (out relationship was toxic and abusive… he was recording me sleeping/showering without my knowledge cz he thought I was cheating) he has already started a relationship with another woman. He found her on a dating app and she’s already spent the night. We broke up 6 weeks ago after 14 years together
I’m not hurt that he’s found someone else, it just reinforces to me that sex was the most important thing to him in our relationship.
I am, however, angry that he’s living up the single life with her in OUR 4 bedroom house, while me and HIS two children are squeezed in with my parents.
I’m also angry that he’s choosing to spend his time with her, yet he’s ‘too upset’ to see our children regularly or help with any childcare
AND I also feel sorry for her… He’s obviously turned on the charm and she probably has no idea how horrible and verbally abusive he actually is. I feel bad that she may be getting drawn in by his good side, and in a few months/years he’ll treat her as badly as he treated me. I also know it’s out of my control.
So what I’m asking is are all my feelings normal feelings?5 January 2021 at 4:00 am #47610
I feel like these are normal feelings when someone has taken such advantage of you. If you read up on cognitive dissonance it’s something natural and takes time to heal. You were in a room of mirrors and still feel the illusionary effects of what took place.5 January 2021 at 12:50 pm #47612
Is he living in your shared home because you moved out and took the children with you? If this is the case then obviously hes got the perfect opportunity to have his new partner around. Why wouldn’t he?
Im not suggesting you’re bitter, but bitterness is a very easy place to fall to when you imagine from the sidelines how his life currently is. Its easy to become engrossed in his situation rather than focussing on a way forward for yourself. It’s a place I’ve tried actively to avoid. I can relate to the abuse, I’ve been there and whilst living together is far from ideal, sometimes you need to stay put and seek his removal from the property by official means (occupation order or mediation) if you feel you and the kids should be in the shared home instead of him. Ie. If you have evidence that he was filming you sleeping and showering then I’m sure this could be evidence sufficient (potential voyeurism) to have him extracted by legal means and charged as such.
I know I made a decision that I had finished with my relationship and what he did after i had made that decision was entirely my ex’s choice. It had little to no affect on me. Although he looked the same (still physically attractive) he was an ass personality wise and something I’d had enough of. Once you get to a point of acceptance that you no longer want your ex, then you’ll start to focus on the things that make you feel positive. Who were you before you had kids? What did you enjoy? Where do you see yourself in future years achievement wise? What steps do you need to take to rebuild your life? Try not to think about where you’ve been, just where you’re heading, and don’t worry about things you have no control over, it’s a waste of energy5 January 2021 at 3:03 pm #47613
Yes I moved out of the house after we had our last argument. We didn’t speak properly for a week aside from arguing and shouting so I felt it was better for the kids to be out of there.
I am trying hard to not let what he does get to me but I just feel so angry and quite frankly disgusted that there’s another woman in my kids house and my bed.
We’ve just talked and he’s agreed finally to put the house on the market. And offered to start paying CMS next month.
So better than the situation we were in yesterday x5 January 2021 at 3:24 pm #47614
That’s great re the house going on the market if that’s what you want , and you’re able to financially set yourself up going forwards from the equity you’ll receive. In reality you’ll be looking at 60% being primary carer for the children. My experience was that despite the house going on the market, every offer was declined, he made little effort to make the house presentable for sale so it was difficult to ensure we raised sufficient funds from it and this resulted in offers of £40,000 short of the asking price. Very disappointing. They’re all potentials and not necessarily what will happen for you. The CMS contributions need to be reliable for you and if you can’t be confident that will happen then I’d file through CMS at the first time he lets you down. Generally CMS have been good for me, I never get full payment which CMS don’t seem interested in but at least I get something weekly
Try your best to get passed the anger, it’s ok to be annoyed but bitterness eats you up and you’ll never find peace and happiness in yourself whilst it’s brewing. I assure you it’s not all rosy for him, no-ones life is perfect but social media is a platform for folks to portray a perfect life. I avoid social media for that reason and have been happier in myself since. Time hopefully will help you see this. I feel like so long as I have my kids and they’re smiling then Im good. There’s stressful days but I would t rewind back to the days I lived with him, it was truly horrendous. Youll get out of kids what you put in and all the parents that don’t invest time and care towards their children miss out on something very precious5 January 2021 at 3:58 pm #47616
Thank you for your response. He is under the impression that we will sell the house, pay off all our debts (he has £20000, I have £7000) THEN split the equity 50/50. I haven’t agreed to this.
I ideally wanted to avoid getting individual solicitors involved but I may have to. I know he will get nastier and nastier if I get solicitors involved. So I’m tossing up whether to get them involved so I get more equity or not getting them involved so that hopefully he will remain agreeable to get the house on the market.
I will absolutely get CMS involved the first time he lets me down. Although he believes that they will ‘go easy’ on him if he has large debts to pay off x5 January 2021 at 6:53 pm #47628
No I wouldn’t agree to that re debts being paid off then 50/50 split. What will happen is all of the equity once the sale has completed will be put into a holding account and no-one will be able to access any funds or clear any debts without prior written agreement. Solicitors will be required to draw up a clean break order and finalise any financial split, otherwise you risk each coming back with potential retrospective claims against each other for the years ahead. I was in denial and tried to avoid the inevitable, and buried my head in the sand. The risk is you’ll get to day of sale completion then your ex realises you’re not going to give him what he expects and he pulls out of the sale, then you’re back at square one with house unsold and him still there. It’s a nightmare. Just trust your instinct rather than living in hope like I did.
I’m not sure about your relationship but I knew deep down my ex wasn’t going to be reasonable about our financial split. That’s not because my expectations were unreasonable. He never ever fairly contributed to our home and continues to think that £11 per week is 50% the cost of raising a child. Fortunately I’m independent and don’t require anything from him, I’m disappointed on behalf of our children though that I didn’t choose a better dad for them5 January 2021 at 7:17 pm #47630
It really depends on how much equity you are splitting. Getting solicitors involved in awkward financial proceedings will cost you tens of thousands potentially . Its if you are going to be better off paying solicitors and battling to get 60 % and then losing tens of thousands in legal fees or accepting 50% with minimal fees and at same time avoiding a very hostile relationship with ex. You will also no doubt have to sort out child arrangements as well which hopefully will run ok.5 January 2021 at 8:43 pm #47633
Yes that’s what I’m trying to toss up. Were talking about £40000-£60000 so after selling fees and him paying off his £20000 debt he won’t have much, if anything. Whereas I will have approx £11000-£20000. Which is obviously why he wants me to pay half his loan. My argument, is that I now have to put a roof over our kids head. Yes he’s said he’ll pay £250 a month but it doesn’t really cover the costs of running a 3 bed house for them to live in. And his earning potential is easy twice mine. Especially since I’ll have to pay childcare x5 January 2021 at 10:22 pm #47635
Best thing to do is contact CSM and you will find that the child maintenance he would have to pay you would be more than 250 a month. with there only been 40-60k left after selling fees you probably are best off sorting it between yourselves otherwise solicitors will take a massive chunk of that .
If you got an idea what your ex earns a month u can check what u may be due on child maintenance calculator. I imagine he would have to pay you more than 250 a month6 January 2021 at 12:16 am #47643
Thanks for another reply.
I’ve used the calculator and it came out as £270 a month.
Once the house is sold I will feel better because at the moment I am still a bit concerned over ‘rocking the boat’ as such because I wouldn’t put it past him to delay the sale of the house to spite me.
He’s already said he could fiddle his wages to pay less CMS. I’m happy to accept pretty much any money he’s offering at the moment until the house is sold and I know he can’t mess around with the sale of it or the condition of it.
If anyone hear knows a way to fast forward the next few months that’d be great!!
I have also been in touch with the mortgage company and told them of the separation and that they have agreed they will not allow him to make any changes without my consent. I feel safer having done that6 January 2021 at 7:13 am #47651
Whilst I agree Warwickshire, that it is best to try avoid legal routes, it takes both parties working towards the same goal, which whilst he’s in the family home, he’s got it pretty good and he could very easily prolong this and you may end up in the same place but 18months down the path. Getting solicitors involved doesn’t cost tens of thousands, the key is not to use a solicitor as your counsellor, find other sources to vent. Ask specific questions of your solicitor. The financial hearing at court will cost that tens of thousands. Though despite solicitors being involved, the vast majority of cases don’t make it so far as the court room due to the cost and the low values that most families are debating isn’t worth the cost. That doesn’t stop the solicitors thrashing it out between them. I wouldn’t let this dissuade you from sourcing an understanding solicitor and gaining key information that might help you bring the situation into a close in the most effective and acceptable manner. I’m not saying fight tooth and nail for 60% but it’s important that you don’t roll over and come out with something you’re not be able to work with.
Theres no mention of marriage so I’ll assume you’re not, if you are then pensions need to be considered also. In addition there’d be a potential for spousal maintenance either way.