Anyone co-parent in the family home?

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  • #46187 Report

    lovemyteenagers@49
    Participant

    Hi

    I recently walked out of my family home because i couldn’t tolerate living with my husband any longer.  There wasn’t any violence but it was a loveless marriage & at times a toxic atmosphere.  In the end I felt we were living a lie being together because we did very little as a family other than live under the same roof.  We have 2 children aged 12 & 14 & in the end i didn’t want them thinking this was how a relationship functions.  I realise i made the choice to leave but in the end i felt as though i made this choice for our children because my husband refused to leave & it was not right for them to witness the demise of their parents marriage.  So I’m now living at my Mum’s house & would like to know if anyone has advice with me going forward in terms of the childcare arrangements.  Due their ages i think its best they have little disruption in terms of moving so i have asked my husband for us to co-parent within the family home.  By this i mean we live (separately) at the family home for half the week without the other spouse there & then we swap over or we do 3 nights one week & 4 the other (we are literally splitting the parenting in half & doing it separately).  This seems like the only option because neither of us can afford to live anywhere other than back home with our parents where there are no provisions for the children to come & stay regularly.  I think this is a sacrifice we could make instead of making the children live somewhere for half the week every other week/weekend.  There’s no one else involved in our marriage split however i realise this set up might be complicated further down the line but to be honest we would need to re-consider if this issue came up.  I most certainly will not be moving on with anyone else in the near future & cant see why, should we meet partners, that we couldn’t keep this a separate issue.  Would really like your thoughts or experience on this proposed way forward?

    #46199 Report

    Deb2
    Participant

    Hi I am struggling at the moment similar situation to you, me and my partner going through a separation after 18 years his choice. But I have no where to go at the moment other than my parents, and my kids can’t come with me permanently if I move out, but tensions are tough here and we don’t really speak. And I am not entitled to property as not married and I’m not on the mortgage so difficult. But I don’t think we could live together until I could find something and he is not going to move out. I think if you can make that living arrangement work then stay there as long as you can.

    #46217 Report

    lovemyteenagers@49
    Participant

    Aww Deb2 its so hard I feel for you.  I moved into the spare room before I moved out but in the end I felt as though the kids just thought everything was too weird for them.  It’s been just as hard leaving & not being with my kids everyday added to that my husband seems to think I’m just going to disappear as if the last 14 years of being a mother just ceases.  What’s really annoying is that I actually left because I put the kids first whereas he would’ve carried on living in the most dire atmosphere & circumstances.  We’re going to mediation next week & I can’t wait for someone other than me to tell him that he has to accept that we are going to be part-time parents & that we both have equal rights in parenting the children unless a judge says otherwise.

    I’m in a similar situation as you Deb although we are now mortgage fee my name was never on the mortgage but we are married which i think makes a difference not that it matters to me i would walk away with just my bag I’ve told him he can take his house to the grave I just want to live my kids & in their family.  I begged him to leave & told him I’d sign any document saying I would leave as soon as the kids leave home but he still wouldn’t budge.

    #46221 Report

    Tamala45
    Participant

    Hi,

    Im new here and just wanted to reach out and say I’m in exactly the same situation as you both.
    Am currently living in the same house, mortgaged in both our names, not married.
    Horrible atmosphere made worse by my partners refusal to communicate. Moody, shouts me down if I try and initiate a conversation, refuses to move out as he says he’s put his life savings into our house.
    So here we are in limbo!

    Does anyone have any advice on making a benefits claim? I need to know what I could possibly be eligible for before I start to look at what I could afford for myself and children. I’ve asked on the gov.uk website for advice but it’s not very forthcoming. I’ve also done the benefits calculator.

    thanks

    #46227 Report

    domg
    Participant

    I’m a dad with two children. My ex is currently in  the family home and we co parent there.

    Background: when we separated and I initiated the divorce, my ex wanted me to move out straight away. Most fathers will be advised not to move out unless you have reached an agreement on childcare /parenting and any finances. Once this is done one of you should agree to move out.

    Obviously this has both financial and emotional impact on the individual moving out and the children so put them first and tell them what’s going on in a caring way.

    We set up our co parenting that the ex lives in the house and pays the bills as well as claiming benefits.

    I had to rent, work and pay my way, but I ‘nest’ and spend time with my children at the house . Because it’s slightly unequal in time (60/40) I pay some child maintenance to my ex based on my income.

    My ex has a new partner so she goes to his house when I’m at home with the children.

    Nesting works well for the children as they have the stability of one place while the parents do the moving around.

    We will keep to this until we sell the house at a later date and both either rent or buy.

    If you have any questions let me know.

    #46238 Report

    Bev25
    Participant

    Really feel what you are all saying. Currently going through a separation, my choice but staying at my parents house as the atmosphere is horrible. My children are 8&6 and we are telling them soon. I currently leave once they are in bed and come home before they wake up. We have a mortgage together but he is not willing to sell so that we can all move on.
    mom thankful the kids have a roof over their heads but I also can’t get any support moving wise as I have a mortgage so I’m stuck. It’s an awful feeling to be honest I don’t want to be at my parents but there is no way I can go back to the mental abuse I was receiving.
    I feel for you all as I know what you are going through. I just want my kids happy and to have our own place. Doesn’t seem likely right now xx

    #46709 Report

    Tamala45
    Participant

    Hello all,

    Reading all the posts, I find some comfort in knowing I’m not alone in going through what we are going through right now.

    The sheer terror of having to pack up and leave my family home, the one I’ve worked hard to make so lovely for us all is for sure what has kept me hanging on for so long!
    I know it’s only bricks and mortar but it just feels so unfair that we have got to this position?
    I mop my kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, decorate the Christmas tree all with the gut wrenching feeling that soon it won’t be mine.

    We can’t carry on living as we are, the atmosphere is terrible.  So something has to change. Has anyone any advice on those first few steps

    thank you

    #46710 Report

    domg
    Participant

    @Tamala I don’t know if this helps, but when we realised it essentially wasn’t working any more, we both went to counselling first. This was the moment that made us both realise that it was dead in the water and that it was both of us who had to sort it out. There is no ‘right way’ to do this. You know each other best and your specific situation. If there are children, put them above both your needs and soon the path becomes clear. Look for a transition that minimises the impact on their well-being. Think how you can be consistent, loving, caring and maintain a dialogue letting them know that they are the most important people.

    Take care of yourselves, this will be emotionally hard so surround yourselves with friends and loved ones. Ask for their support.
    Avoid adversarial friends who encourage discourse, revenge, bitterness or blame. They do not have your Childrens interests at heart.

    Finally, if you choose to use solicitors, mediators and the courts, this will add to your already emotional load. It will also cost a lot of money that you may resent spending in the future. See if you can work things out between you. Know that you have to try lots of different approaches. And do not ever let anyone bully, coerce, intimidate or gaslight you into making a decision or signing anything until you are 100% sure.

    The very best of luck in being brave and courageous for your family’s happiness in the future.

     

     

    #46711 Report

    Tamala45
    Participant

    Thank you for you reply.
    In all honesty, I wish for nothing more than my partner to be able to see the  destruction and unnecessary friction that his behaviour causes. Everything is my fault? Only last night I heard him talking to our son saying, “I only get annoyed at one thing….that!” and pointed at me!

    I don’t believe he has the emotional awareness to put anyone else’s feeling before his own. I’ve often felt like I’m parenting 3 kids not 2. There are numerous examples over the years.

    I can’t initiate a conversation with him to start proceedings as he just shouts me down and makes empty threats about going to see a solicitor etc… I wonder if he enjoys the control of knowing I’m stuck and can’t really afford to move on without selling our home?

     

    #46715 Report

    domg
    Participant

    Gosh that sounds truly awful for you.

    In my limited experience I can say that most people don’t behave ‘normally’ in a situation like yours.  Both are trying to gain some sort of control over the unfamiliar and scary situation. Your example is classic, you trying to keep the family home going and your partner blaming you for their frustration and uncertainty. Anger and threats are things we use when don’t have control.

    What will be true is that this won’t be able to continue without one or both of you initiating an exit plan and a pathway to get there. This is often the most frightening part for both parties, not knowing or understanding what needs to happen to start and then complete the process of moving on.

    A simple way to do this is to book a conversation with a  family law solicitor at a citizens advice office, a mediator or relate counsellor. Someone who knows the facts about separating, the process and the law. I believe gingerbread offer this as well through a helpline and some good articles.  Perhaps find someone who has been through it before who you trust.

    When it comes to your son and discussing separation  in front of children, I don’t think that’s a responsible thing to do until they are teenagers or young adults. Blaming each other is pointless, its what children do, not parents. People make mistakes, fall out of love and change. These are human qualities which marriage cannot always successfully accommodate. Your children will benefit more from seeing you both in happy healthy relationships, or even happy and single, rather than in a toxic one.

    Try your best to find a neutral space alway from children to have difficult conversations. Perhaps one of you moving out temporarily would be a good idea as a way to clam things down. However I do understand that this is not always easy or possible for practical reasons. And for the person moving out this is an emotional rollercoaster.

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