Any other widowed parents?

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  • #53031 Report

    SHELL1973
    Participant

    Hi, all/anybody. I’m new on here having lost my husband suddenly 16 months ago. We were together 29 years so all my adult life. I’ve always been independent with most things and never realised how important it should have been to make new friends throughout my life now I feel so alone and lost without support. Everyone else seems to be getting on with their lives whereas I feel like I’m at a stop sign. I try to be two parents in one to our young son and his older grown up siblings so they don’t feel like they are missing out as much emotionally and practically but it’s mentally exhausting having to be that strong when all I want to do is cry. Is anyone else in a situation similar? I’d love to feel sane again.

    #53058 Report

    steveb2
    Participant

    Hi Shell

    If it helps, your not the only one. I lost my wife 23 months ago.

    Your feelings are perfectly normal. I remember hitting that stop sign and not knowing what to do next while everyone else got on with their own lives. I have an eight-year-old son and having him around helped me get my life back on track.

    Although life will never return to normal, I did find a new normal.

    #53066 Report

    SHELL1973
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply steveb2, sorry for your loss. I just don’t know anyone of my age in an even similar situation. I’ve not really found a new normal yet, still working that bit out I suppose. It’s not like I have anything to compare this with, I only lost my dad 2 years before my husband so two of the most important people in my life gone forever.  I worry for my son and how this will affect him in the future and the lack of support has been tough.

    #53071 Report

    steveb2
    Participant

    Hi Shell, sorry to hear about your dad.

    How old is your son? How is he coping?

    Mine was 7 when it happened (9 now). His school was great and provided him with counselling, which he still gets (covid lockdowns allowing). Also, I found in many ways he coped with the situation much better than I did.

    #53084 Report

    SHELL1973
    Participant

    Hi steveb2, our son was 4 (a few months away from 5) at the time he is now 6. He had no counselling and neither have I. I spoke to someone once at a child bereavement helpline who gave the same advice I was doing at the time. It was a sudden unexpected death at home so not any time before to prepare then Coronavirus pandemic happened which in a way helped us as I was able to support him as he was home throughout the first lockdown. I do look back at times and think that we have come far since then but obviously there are set backs along the way.

    #53108 Report

    steveb2
    Participant

    Hi Shell

    I did find my GP helpful when it came to finding counselling for myself; sometimes, it good to talk to someone about how you feel.

    There will always be setbacks, but if your experience is anything like mine, I am now a very different person from how I was two years ago.

    My son’s school worked with a charity called ‘The place to be’ http://www.place2be.org.uk and them were very helpful. I don’t know if your son’s school works with a similar charity.

    #53119 Report

    SHELL1973
    Participant

    Hi Steve.  I had a look at the link on your post, I will ask school about this. As for myself,  I do work in mental health so use the tools I have learnt both in my job and life experiences to help deal with things. But having said that it is easier said than done. It’s nice to know that you have gotten through it yourself and I feel hopeful that in another year I will look back again and be able to relate.  I’ll keep soldiering on in the meantime.

    #53695 Report

    TracyAcko
    Participant

    Hi, I have just joined today and typing this teary eyed and emotional.

    I am 39, lost my husband beginning of March this year, suddenly and yet to know actual cause. He was 10 years my senior, were married almost 7 years. We have 3 kids, 12 year old from a previous reletionship but was his stepson, and a 4yr old boy and 3yr old girl. Any advice would be great but not the WAY site please sometimes I feel like you do, like my brain us going toexplode but the second I try and release sone of this awful pain I get in such a state I cant function, and with having to be there u condionally for kids practical needs as well as emotional needs tgats just not an option. I know Im told show yiur grief etc. but dies it have to be that way? Gow the hell do I explain this to my little ones? Their school on one hand has been understanding, yet on the other saying my daughter has been emotional and very clingy in relation to her brothers whereabouts. As they are in the same class at school I find myself just nodding and smiling at comments like these I just cant process appatent issues like thst when I think at least they are getting to school and doing ok despite losing daddy and living in this alternate existence of me tryung to be both and parent my eldest who doesnt show his feelings but tries to parent his siblings to help me I guess.

    I feel like your emotions are very raw and your loss was a long time prior to mine. In dact I stull reckon I am in denial and certainly cannot face even looking at a photograph of him nevermind his belongings etc. His cremation was excruciatingly difficult to sort out; think the general thought of others is well you have to keep going for the kids….. I KNOW. Im so scared of breaking and having a complete meltdown when for the 100th time Ive fixed this or that or answered to Mummieeeee! Ive visions of me morphing into some vile fire breathing monster….. Or is that just weird?

    #53735 Report

    SHELL1973
    Participant

    Hi Tracy, so sorry for your loss. I can relate to how you feel, but as you go through this journey of grief you’ll look back every now and then and think “I am doing better now than then”. I remember people telling me things like I’m still young enough to find someone else, what a thing to say?! I have my good days and bad days now,  I try to take each day as it comes as I never know how I’ll feel from one to the next sometimes. Try not to feel guilty for laughing or doing the things that would normally make you happy, I know it’s taken me a long time to do that although occasionally I get feelings of guilt. I hope that you have support from friends and family as that is one thing that is most important so long as they’re not having a negative influence. I found out that the people who had the most to say were the ones who were the least help, paying lip service basically.  I could go on and on. Feel free to message me and we’ll get through this x

    #53828 Report

    JonathanAndTwoBoys
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m 41 and lost my wife late last year to cancer 3 1/2 years after she was diagnosed immediately prior to childbirth and given a few weeks to live. We had a fairly brutal 3-4 years with many many hospital trips, operations, treatments and it was all to stave off the inevitable.

    Look – losing someone is hard. I lost people alongside me in the Army and I thought I was prepared for losing her but despite the support, counselling and advice you still have **** days and nights. My youngest was in the car tonight and just asked really loudly to his older brother and I “Is mummy dead forever?” and we had to have the talk like we do every other night or so. You are on an emotional nightmare of a rollercoaster. I’m fairly resilient to say the least and it’s hit me harder than I thought.

    I’ve found comfort and reassurance in talking to friends, just like we did with each other in the Army as progressively more were injured and killed. You need to be open and receptive to people saying crap things like “I have no words” then don’t bloody speak is how my mind receives that but you are expected to just say “hmmmm thank you that’s kind”. B**ger what society thinks, do what works for you and keeps you going with your head up. We all have kids looking out for us and us for them. As my eldest (7) says to me”It’s ok for you to be sad too Dad” and I reply with “I know big man, but it’s also ok to be happy as well”.

    Do what makes you happy. Let nobody judge you and make the most of the friends who are there no matter what. You will likely find many hollow gestures melt away as the months tick on. Get out. Do stuff. Talk to people. Hug people (safely of course). Live your life the way your lost loved one would want you to.

    I’m here if anyone wants to chat, just drop me a message but please be aware these are open forums to the internet and a lot of very vulnerable people in here so keep personal details to DMs and phone chats. You can’t trust randoms you haven’t met and don’t know, as sadly there are people who will happily take advantage of your grief and vulnerability, which may even include people close to you.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 22 hours ago by JonathanAndTwoBoys. Reason: can't spell!
    #53840 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    I was imagining myself being the adult having that conversation and I felt horrible for you when I read your post.

    I always think the pain of losing someone and all that side of life should be an adult thing that no child should know about.(Until one fine day you end up being that adult and suddenly you don’t feel so adult anymore😏) I tell my kids all the time that it’s the polish that brings out the shine and how strong and able to cope with difficulties they are going to be later in their lives with their…rather….umm…rich life experiences.(I’m really trying to convince myself obviously). I think I read about an award you got some time back if I’m not mistaken.I used to think accomplished people with recognized achievements just skim over the hard bits but it looks like once you take the lid off we’re all the same inside. Well useless as it maybe, there’s a stranger sitting a few hours away who can’t do anything to help but wish you lots of strength for all those difficult conversations.I think from what I’ve read in your posts your boys are really lucky to have you.

    #53846 Report

    SHELL1973
    Participant

    Having read these last 2 posts I feel less alone. I know that I’m not the only one in this horrid situation and as much as I tell myself this it makes little difference to my feelings. Jonathan, I’m so sorry for your loss too, I just wonder how long till I feel normal?. And you are so right about fakes and scammers, I received a message that was clearly a scam,  how dare people try and take advantage of the vulnerable. Needless to say I reported it. Take care of yourself and your family

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