Any option other than court

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  • #57977 Report

    Ss87
    Participant

    I separated from my husband 3 years ago due to his affair, unfortunately I had to move out of the family home as he became very abusive so I had to get out for my mine and my 4 children’s safety.

    Fast forward to now and he has now stopped responding to letters regarding the property or mediation etc and it seems my only option is court. The problem is it’s just so expensive and most of my equity from the property will end up going to solicitors/ court. I do have a solicitor and am getting legal aid but have been told I will need to pay back court costs once I receive a lump sum I’m really confused about this whole process and I’m really not sure what to do if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

    thankyou x

    #57979 Report

    j0808
    Participant

    Has he done a c100 to get access to the children?

    #57982 Report

    Ss87
    Participant

    We have the children 50/50 but this does need to also be sorted as when it comes to Christmas or birthdays it’s always a problem and Christmas talks generally start 3 months prior even though we originally said to swap each year so one parent has the children Christmas Eve and Christmas morning then the other parent has Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day this is ok when he gets what way he wants it will then change then moan and make out like I’m being awkward it’s just constant. Would a c100 form possibly sort this situation? If yes does this need to be done through a solicitor?

     

    thankyou x

    #57983 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    no you do not need a solicitor to do a c100, too costly. you can do it yourself and complete c100 online: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

    but you would need to attend mediation first, a MIAM appointment. if he doesn’t engage, then mediator can give you permission to apply to court.

    #57985 Report

    j0808
    Participant

    She’s getting legal aid Steve so possibly due to domestic violence. If that’s the case you don’t need to do mediation first

    #57986 Report

    Ss87
    Participant

    He refused the first mediation. Then a few months later said he would go through mediation so tried to sort it again he’s now not answering solicitors regarding mediation or the process with the house we have exchanged the form e but nothing has happened since then, if he continues to refuse to give me my half of the house is there any other option other than court?

    Thankyou so much for your responses I really appreciate it x

    #57987 Report

    Ss87
    Participant

    Yes I’m getting legal aid due to domestic abuse x

    #57988 Report

    j0808
    Participant

    I’m not sure with house processes so sorry. Have you tried citizens advice? Are you divorced yet?… house stuff can be sorted in divorce proceedings?? He will be nice/ nasty, change tactics, this is what abusers do

    #57990 Report

    Ss87
    Participant

    I’m not yet divorced this is all going through the solicitors, although I do have a solicitor I don’t really feel as though she is pushing an awful lot and it seems she just agrees with what he wants example the property equity is £110k possibly more due to increased house prices but she wants me to settle for £30k I’ve already had some money to secure my rental property and furnish this property as I had to walk away, this money is coming out of my equity as contents aren’t included in divorce, I’ve been told

    #58005 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    Hi Ss87,

    sorry to read you are experiencing this. Sounds like you are going above & beyond to meet his wants to see the kids, and he is doing everything to continue the abuse via controlling & difficult behaviour & forcing you to be the one to pay all the court fees etc … despite him being the one in a more financially secure position?

    So couple of things…. he doesn’t actually have any automatic rights to see the kids, especially after the d.v. It shouldn’t be put on you at all to be the one sorting this out. You are well within your rights to withhold contact & if he wants any contact – he can take you to court & pay for the expenses. it would likely go in your favour that he is being difficult & refusing mediation. but please remember … he doesn’t have an automatic right, its your right to withhold contact. He is the one being unreasonable not you. if the kids are upset by it; tell them the money saved will be spend on a holiday/ whatever for them & if they are old enough, maybe show them info that states he is being unreasonable & this is actually your right.

    refuge have a great page about this, worth reading; Protecting my children – Refuge Charity – Domestic Violence Help

    – its really worth calling the NDV helpline for advice around this too, they will be very familiar with this situation & able to connect you to more local expert support.

    – it would also be worth discussing the divorce & letting them or your local dv service help you find a better divorce lawyer. with the greatest respect it sounds like you are experiencing some of the systemic failures survivors face when leaving abuse & they could really help you overcome this.

    You are also well within your right to apply for a (harassment) non-molestation order if he tries to get funny with you for realising your rights.

    I can’t see why you should accept such a low amount, and be the one to be burdened with legal costs to sort out the child access.

    It is your legal right to be protected & supported. You owe him nothing. He owes you & the kids…. he should be doing the work here, not you. this is not your fault, dont let him blame you or treat you like the guilty party or punish you for leaving his abuse. your kids deserve better too. Its not a failure to stand up for yourself & stop putting up with his BS.

    well done for physically escaping the abuse… hope you find better support to escape psychologically & financially.

    #58010 Report

    Ss87
    Participant

    Thankyou for your post I have emailed them to see if they can offer any advice. I try and keep my children out of this situation as much as possible as they heard enough before, they are now happy and luckily their dad is no threat to them which is why we have 50/50 contact.

    the problem is he won’t do any of the work as that would mean he would have to give me my half of the property instead he has a nice property which he pays minimal for whilst I’m paying sky high rent, I really don’t know what to do x

    #58011 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    it’s great that your putting children first and trying to keep them out of these issues. if you have 50/50 and its amicable, then perhaps no need for a court order. I have no experience on finance/property side of things, so would suggest you get more advice from your solicitor.

    #58014 Report

    Ss87
    Participant

    50/50 is amicable until it comes to Christmas and birthdays I try and do 50/50 regardless of whose day it is due to being a special day but he doesn’t agree. Which is why I need something in place for this.  Regarding the property my solicitor says to accept £30k as that is close to what he is offering and that is really all she has said. She did suggest court but then said we would try once more for a response. I’ve not really had many options from her which is why I’m looking else where for info or possibilities x

    #58015 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    hi Ss87,

    It’s great you’ve emailed them, but i do think its better you call the free NDV helpline, they can call you back at a time that’s convenient. they will be able to explain his current actions & behaviour is on-going psychological & financial abuse.

    Domestic abuse usually always involves psychological abuse, (coercion & control), one of the arms of this is gaslighting people into believing they would be doing something wrong or be unfair to the abuser by upholding their legal rights or not bending to their will, even if its at a survivors detriment. You say you are keeping your kids out of this…. but the reality is the only reason he is being more peaceful is because you are bending over backwards, still under his control; to the point you are still being subjected to on-going psychological & financial abuse. The kids are witnessing this, just as much as they witnessed what they heard before. If you are scared of how he will react if you exercise your legal rights to stop his behaviour; the threat is still very real & very much there for you & the kids. It’s easy to be manipulated into thinking its better to placate an abuser, but it will never be enough. As it isn’t now. You have given him what he wants and he is still using this as a weapon against you to make your life difficult. this will never end, its his favourite game. At best the kids are just going to believe this behaviour is acceptable, they could very likely end up with men like him or worse becoming like him.

    the reason he isn’t doing any of the work is because he has you doing it for him. He is using this as a tool to have power in your life to still control you and make your life difficult. He wont go to mediation because he likely knows in this setting a professional would likely recognise this behaviour as a continuation of abuse and call it out. Making him stop this behaviour would not be you dragging the kids into this, it’s not your behaviour that is making this situation difficult. He is using the kids to control you, he is already dragging them into it.

    This is textbook abuser & gaslighting tactics that he is the one using the kids & making this situation difficult & then making you believe it would be dragging the kids if you protected yourself or the kids from his on-going abuse.

    if it helps;  ‘ <span style=”color: #2f2f30; font-family: barlow-extralight, barlow, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; text-align: justify; white-space: pre-wrap;”>It is important to note that in studies of children’s experiences of coercive control it has been found that in families where physical violence was not a regular form of abuse, children exhibited the same negative outcomes as those who had lived with more frequent physical abuse’ </span>

    ref;

    Coercive Control: Recognising the Effects on Children (dvact.org)

    this is not your fault. he is not your responsibility to fix. no matter what you give him, he wont change. abusers don’t stop unless they are made to, because they feel entitled to treat people like this.

    If you spend all your money in court… what to say he’d even uphold the order… especially if you could no longer afford to re-apply. this will be endless.

    help & support is out there. the kids will suffer less in the long run.

     

    #58016 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    steve, this isn’t putting the kids first at all. please read the above link about the harmful effects of coercion & control. sorry, but you clearly don’t understand what domestic abuse is either. maybe it would be better to learn more about it before you put yourself into conversations about it. lots of free info out there. maybe you’d be more relevant talking about things you do know about if somebody asks for advice.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by JBLA.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)

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