Any help appreciated
29 December 2021 at 2:16 am #64218
I recently separated from my husband of 14 years (together for 17) we have two children 13 and 10. He cheated (again) and I know that the marriage is over, there is no fixing that can be done and I am devestated for our children. He has continued on his relationship with the person he was having the affair with, the children weren’t initially told about the affair, because I now feel like I was manipulated into thinking that it wasn’t something that would continue, was best for the children etc. I’ve spent the past 10years on and off of my marriage being lied to or feeling like I had to live a lie to protect my husband and our family. Christmas has ofcourse been difficult and as things with this other woman are not going away, I feel like the children need to know the truth about their dad being in a new relationship and that this relationship was the reason for our separation. I just hate the thought of them finding out much later down the line and them then loosing trust in me. I’ve already had to lie for my husband when my youngest got upset when she thought her dad would be on his own for Xmas day, when in reality he had invited the other woman and her children round to his new place. I just feel like the best way to move forward would be for the truth to be told so our children aren’t being lied to and they understand what’s going on. Does anyone have any advice when it comes to children/affairs/new partners xx29 December 2021 at 6:32 pm #64229
My view on this would be that they’re old enough to understand the truth. I’d look at your motivation for telling them and ask yourself if it benefits them, you, or just makes him look like the **** (no offence but he sounds it) that he is and whether that’s what you’re looking for. Just my view. I’d be annoyed as hell and want to tell them because it sounds like you’ve done what you could, but that’s just me – being brutally honest.29 December 2021 at 7:31 pm #64231
That is a hard situation. I divorced my wife in 2009 when she was cheating(repeatedly). She wanted to wait 2 years to file divorce I didnt want to wait even after wanting us to go to Marriage counselling. I filed the next day and our children were 5 and 7 (girls) plus I had two others with me from previous marriage that were 15 and 12(boy 15). She was the only mother the two I had from previous marriage had ever known. I couldn’t live the lie anymore after getting burned by 2 previous marriages (I can pick them) who they cheated too(Texas adultery is not grounds for divorce(then).
It was a hard decision to make but needed to be done. I didnt want to take the girls away from her even though I was able to get full custody I chose shared custody. I wanted the girls to be with the mother. We had a clause added to our agreement that we needed to remain close (resident wise) to each other and have done since then (even now we live roughly 500 yards apart). But as time passed the girls have grown apart from their mother (sadly) and she cut off all contact with my now 25 year old daughter who is special needs and she took it VERY HARD and has developed a sense of hatred for her former “mother”.. my 2 daughters by her are now 16 and 19 and to this day I have not told them the real reason for mine and their mothers divorce (her mother actually used the facts I had a vacectamy and was disabled as grounds for divorce). If the girls ever ask when they get much older I will probably tell them to ask their mother 😀
All I can say I guess is think about how and what you tell your child. Also look at it this way, it’s their father that will be losing out as well as your children. Just hope he chooses to remain in contact with them. And most of all.. Don’t beat yourself up on it. There are lots of decent men out there. I found my love about 6 months after and we were together until 2019 when she passed away from cancer..
PM me if you need help. I am here to help if I can.