Any advice appreciated please.
7 April 2021 at 3:12 pm #52458
My husband left January 6th and moved in with his Mum. At the time he said it was to get space and he wanted to find his way back to our marriage. He said he didn’t feel the same about us anymore. (He is a bit of a drinker and it was a foundation to our arguments along with my mental health.) However, I handled it badly. I got needy and begged him to reconsider. Ultimately he said it’s over for good. I’m a stay at home mum, we have two children 8 year old son, 14 year old daughter (mine from a previous relationship) and relied on him financially and emotionally as I struggle with depression and anxiety. He told me to sort my own money out and to start building a life without him. He is very good at visiting the children and maintenance and at the beginning trying to reassure me. he sees the children Monday evening, Wednesday evening and over night on a Friday. The start of February I found out we had to move out of the house I broke down even further and my husband became frustrated with me. I tried to keep things together and got support from the doctors as my depression became unbearable. Then mid Feb he put on Facebook that he was in a new relationship with someone he knew from before our 12 year marriage. I was devastated. I asked for him to stay away for a few days as all the changes happening were so overwhelming and seeing him so often was killing me. I selfishly wanted to just recover a little with the children. He obviously got mad but gave me 2 days. Things went back to normal visiting wise but one day my 8 year old son came back home saying that his Dad had took him to his girlfriends house. I was shocked. That he did it so soon and I asked him to wait 6 months before introducing his girlfriend to the children. First he agreed but today he messaged saying that he is living with her and her son and they have planned a future together and that he wants to introduce the children now. Both the children have been having some real difficulties adapting with the changes, we still haven’t found a new home yet and the youngest may have to move school if we need to move to the next town, they are struggling at school. My eldest is seeing a Councillor weekly my youngest has just been refusing to do any work in class and has regular emotional outbursts. I’ve told this to my husband saying we haven’t really had time to recover properly. We are in limbo and haven’t healed from the breakdown of our family. I asked him to please wait until we have some proper routine and that we have to come to terms with all the changes. He disagrees. I lost my head again and said that I don’t think he’s making rational choices at the minute and so I’m stopping so much contact. It made sense in my head because it’s been such a whirlwind three months and even though he has settled well into the changes and fell in love and moved on, us 3 (me and the children) are still in a broken mess that I’m struggling to pull together. I know I’m selfish and it looks like I’m trying to control everything. I suppose I am trying to find some control in a situation I can’t change. But we haven’t healed. I’m now waiting for an assessment from the mental health crisis team because I’m in a breakdown. I tried to rectify my outburst today by asking if we could just do Friday night sleep overs at his Mums for a couple of weeks and asking again if he could wait until August before introducing his girlfriend. He hasn’t responded. I know I have to come to terms with this but I feel like I haven’t been given any time to get used to anything and that the children have just been expected to just deal with everything. Am I wrong in asking for more time before introducing the new girlfriend? They have only been together for 8 weeks. Does anybody have any advice on how I can handle this better please? I find it so hard handing over the children to a man I barely know anymore. Our world is so upside down and I want to do what’s best for the children but I am struggling to let go. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I’m scared im not mentally strong enough. I’m ashamed to admit that maybe the children would be better off living with him as he can offer a two parent family that I can’t. I’m in a very dark place. Please help!!!8 April 2021 at 11:09 pm #52541
Hi there- I have no advice to give i’m sorry, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you, and hang in there.8 April 2021 at 11:51 pm #52543
I sounded like your post once.You’re not selfish at all.
You are doing your best right now to hold your family together.
Ten weeks is very fast for him to have his life all shipshape already.Sorry but it’s likely he was either having an affair with this person that he knew from b4 your marriage behind your back,or there’s something fishy here.Why do you feel obliged to hand over your kids to him now? You are not obliged.Who decided it’s best for the kids to see him right now? If you feel insecure and you don’t want ti,dont.You feelings are also important!
I hope you realize that if he left home and entrusted you with the kids he is saying he trusts you😉.That’s a positive thing.It means you’re the boss.You’re not the only woman who’s made the mistake of begging him to come back,but if you’re aware you’re doing it maybe try to keep your dignity and stop in future.Though I’m sure you feel like you are in pieces you don’t have to die or drown in debt bc of what’s happened.It’s very difficult and damages your heart but you can get back onto your feet if you are prepared to.Most single parents have to break it into manageable chunks.If you think about everything that might happen etc it will be overwhelming.So one day at a time.Try to concentrate on the here and now.💙💚💛💗 Thinking of you.You can msg me if you like.I’ve been through most things on here and lived to tell the tale😉9 April 2021 at 10:31 am #52565
I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. It’s so hard to make sense of such huge changes and I really hope you begin to feel better soon. I agree with Gummibear 123 that it does seem to quick for your ex-partner to have sorted things his end. Personally, given that your children appear to be having some difficulties adjusting I hope he can see that they need to take baby steps rather than being expected to just get on with new people and a new environment that is also apparently new to him too. Have you considered mediation to try to find a plan forward? Having an objective third party there might help you both keep your head and will have experience and a responsibility to plan ahead for what is best for the children (not that you are unable to see what is best for them, but from experience it can help you both do this together). I went through mediation with my ex husband and at the time it was hard and I didn’t always agree with what he said, but now I see that is gave us a plan that we’ve both worked towards and stuck to and actually now we get on quite well, my daughter is happy with the way things are now, and things are running smoothly now we are working together. A good mediator will step in, in the right way to and say if they think something is unreasonable and ask the other person to consider others that are involved rather than just what they want.
I hope you can all move forward soon, I’m sure if you could work things out and see a path ahead for you and your children it would help your mental health too.
Thinking of you xxx9 April 2021 at 11:04 am #52567
Thank you so much for your responses. It’s good to know that I’m not going insane and that I’m being understood. It is so appreciated at a time when I have never felt so lonely. XX9 April 2021 at 12:10 pm #52582
So sorry to hear you are so lonely, I have felt this way too, especially recently after separating with my sons father. You’re not going insane at all! If there’s ever a time you even just want to message someone for company, please feel free to get in touch xxx