Anxiety after shock separation
14 October 2018 at 7:39 pm #16846
so… long story short my husband of 9 years left me and our 3 boys this week, he said he’s not been happy for ages and can’t do it anymore so packed his things and gone. I had no incline at all I thought we were the strongest couple around! He was my world. I’ve taken it pretty badly and suffering anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I just wish the pain would go away. He still wants to be in the boys lives regularly which I’ve agreed too as he’s still there Dad. But I just don’t know how to get through these hardest days/weeks. Any tips would help please. I also start a new job in 2 weeks so that’s something to keep me positive.14 October 2018 at 8:31 pm #16851
Hi Kirst4 I’m sorry to hear that. The same thing happened to me with partner of 5 years he left me 3 months ago and it is still a very hard, I think it’s normal to feel very anxious as it’s a massive life change and huge shock especially as you did not know it was coming. I try and take one day at a time and not to think about all the what ifs as we cannot change them. I would try and focus on your new job and the positive change it will bring and the new people you will meet. Stay strong it really will hurt for a while but time will be the healer try and think that one day you really will be fine again even though it might not feel like it right now.14 October 2018 at 9:27 pm #16855
im really sorry to hear that, truly awful…I would recommend the book ‘getting past your break up’ by Susan Elliott and ‘runaway husbands’ by Vikki stark, they are both really good and give you loads of good advice for how to get through this time and move through it…easy to get them both off amazon…good luck xxx16 October 2018 at 1:49 pm #16888
How are you today Kirst4. In a similar situation it’s very painful. Hope you are ok?16 October 2018 at 1:52 pm #16889
Hi, I’m feeling ok today. It’s up and down but I’m trying to distract myself from thinking about it all. It’s harder because he wants to come and see the boys all the time so I have to pretend I’m ok whilst he is there. Has yours been recent? How are you coping?
Thank you for the replies.17 October 2018 at 7:40 am #16909
i am going through the exact same thing, partner of 8 (married for 5) just decided he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Anyone I tell asks if I’m lying because it doesn’t sound like us – I couldn’t agree more. Some people have asked if he’s going through depression and at first I thought he was and there was hope and now it’s plain as day he’s absolutely fine and just cracking on. I hate it and I hate him. But I love him. And my little girl (2). The pain is unbearable so I can fully relate to this. Some days you think you have it, and others you don’t know how to even get to lunchtime. Regardless of the beautiful rays of sunshine running around you. Everyone tells me you’ll get through this and it will get better day by day, I don’t believe this right now as I am sure you don’t, but one thing I found easier was knowing that other people are going through it too. And that we aren’t alone. Even need a rant, here I am xx19 October 2018 at 8:22 am #16976
I know what you mean everyone I’ve told are all shocked because we were so strong. I am having a really bad day today and just miss him, but like you I hate him so much but also love him at the same time. I just can’t find any motivation to go on right now. Xx19 October 2018 at 8:38 am #16977
Kirst4 – I’m sorry to hear you are suffering. My wife did the same thing about 10 months ago. To make matters worse she blames me and has been awful to me from the first day she announced she wanted a separation. After a lot of counselling it turns out that the anger directed at me is due to guilt that she will not allow herself to feel. From my perspective it was like my wife turned into a different person over night. It’s incredibly difficult and I’m still suffering with it all. Although I was thinking this morning about the first morning after her announcement and what a state I was in. I’m definitely better than that now! I’m reluctant to give advice as everyone is different, but for me, I focus on being a super-parent to my kids. I am paying for counselling which although expensive is I think very helpful. These forums are also very helpful. You can’t control your partner and have to let go of them as hard as that may be. Focus on you, and focus on your boys and let the passage of time work it’s magic.19 October 2018 at 9:57 am #16979
Hi kirst4 I’m really sorry you’re having a bad day, it’s so up and down, the same thing happened to me 3 months ago, partner of 7 years just upped and left me and our 3 year old daughter, when I was 7 months pregnant … I’ve just had the worst few months of my life, it slowly gets better not day by day but I’d say more week to week… I still have days where I Feel overwhelmed by it all and the confusion of it all is too much, but they are easier to deal with and I find I can try to switch out of the crying or anxiety quicker… I also went to see a counsellor who I’m still seeing, I went to relate on my own to talk through it and they’ve been really good… I’ve been able to get appointments for 20 pounds as I’m now a single parent which has been helpful… the things that have helped me get through it are reading those books I recommended (they have been so helpful as they provided a structure of what to do next), and starting a journal which I write in every day too … try to do one special thing for yourself every day too… bath, a walk, your nails, just anything that puts you at the centre of your life again … and remember whenever you are in someone else’s head no one is looking after yours … put the focus on YOU, be good to yourself and you can do this … good luck19 October 2018 at 1:30 pm #16980
Thank you for the replies. It gives a bit of comfort knowing I’m not the only one. Talking to you all and hearing your stories gives me the courage to carry on knowing things have got better for you all. I am trying so hard to focus on myself and the boys but he’s still playing mind games and giving me false hope. I really have to ignore him but he comes to put the boys to bed etc and I just hate and love him all over again. I think writing a journal is a fantastic idea I’m definitely going to start that. I’m also waiting for counselling to come through which I’m going to try.19 October 2018 at 2:36 pm #16981
Hi there Kirst4,
Thanks for your message and for reaching out to our amazing community of single parents.
It sounds like you’re going through a tough time and it’s so important you get the advice and support you deserve to help you through. Looking after someone with mental health challenges can be difficult but there is help out there – we’ve dropped you a quick email with some useful contacts so do have a look when you get time. We think you’re doing a brilliant job and it’s great that you’ve shared what you’re going through.
I hope this helps and happy chatting.
Poppy at Gingerbread19 October 2018 at 10:14 pm #17010
i just want want to hug you because I’m going through the same emotions (and somewhat same life question as you are about a week ago). I would visualise my car spinning into a tree (only me in it) and the zone out from it feeling numb, regardless of my most amazing little girl. And that saddens me. Now I’m trying to look at the positives just to get me through the day – no one to tell me what I can buy for the house, no one to share mine and E’s day with and make sure they’re happy – it’s just me and her and that’s amazing. Hard, so figgin hard, but amazing.
Where red are you from? X20 October 2018 at 8:35 am #17020
Hi, how are you today? I got really angry at the ex Thursday and feel a lot better for it. That I got so much feelings out. I feel I can move on now, I’m trying to be positive as much as possible but yea it’s still very hard. I’m from Hertfordshire how about you? How’s your little girl coping?