Anger towards ex

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  • #49478 Report

    Emlou111
    Participant

    I need some advice please…

    My ex walked out on me and my daughter when she was just 6 months old (she’s now almost 2). A week after he left us he left the country and has not been a part of her life ever since.

    He sent me abuse for months after and threats to harm/even kill me on occasions when drunk (he also suffers severe mental health) all this has been reported to the police and social services have helped me with some guidance and advice so I have blocked him now so he cannot get through to me.

    He claims benefits over here after losing his job and doesn’t even live in the country. I have reported this but dwp clearly don’t take these reports seriously. I receive just £7 a month child maintenance from his benefits. I am currently going through the remo process abroad to try locate him to get proper maintenance however this process has been ongoing since October 2019 and I’m getting no where.

    I have since found out he is working abroad, so not only is he claiming benefits here he is earning a wage over there.

    I only just get by each month (with the help of family) I guess my question is how do you lose the anger towards what they have done.

    I can’t get my head round how anyone can abandon their child at all let alone a baby and not pay anything towards them. I feel guilty towards my daughter that I cant give her the life she deserves with a 2 person relationship but cannot stop thinking about how he is getting away with everything living his life without a care in the world not even knowing anything about his daughter

    any advise would be greatly appreciated I’m sick of feeling so hurt and upset. My daughter will never ever go without as I do everything and anything I can for her and always will but it’s just not fair 🙁

    #49481 Report

    Char88
    Participant

    I gone though the remo and I new my ex address. Applied in 2015 and its only just going to court end of last year 2020 and still not done yet. I have not even hurt from my appointed solicitors crazy and hes aloud to offer what he pays. You will never understand something you wouldn’t do all it will do is get you down trying to think how and why they can do this. Your gain his loss. First time posting on here.  I had to learn to forgive and not try understand my ex  and just know things will never change as it just kept getting me down.

    #49482 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    I would not even know where to start to ‘forgive’ my kids dad for the things he has said and done,and I wonder if secretly a lot of ppl feel the same – or maybe my moral compass has just gone awol! The pain a lot of exes cause is so deep and impossible to fix all we can sometimes do is let time eventually wash the worst of it away and learn to live with it.I think a lot of people are very angry at first/for some time but it does get tiring after a bit and a waste of energy-i’m only talking from my own experience here🤔 I hear the word ‘forgive’ thrown around a lot but it’s easy to talk….(specially when it hasn’t happened to you,right?) Nowadays they’ll tell you anger always stems from something else,so normally it’s the pain of rejection,fear,grief etc so it’s understandable.Don’t waste your time forgiving exes who frankly don’t deserve it,forgive yourself.For being human!

    #49508 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    yes am sure most of us feel that anger/resentment. I find that it fades and weakens over time , especially if you focus on re-building your life and keeping yourself busy. I hope your REMO maintenance issues gets sorted out. all the best.

    #49561 Report

    Char88
    Participant

    I think forgive is what you want it to mean for your self. Ever one is diffrent for me its not for them at all its for me to heal. l never understand what he done and did and continuesto do. Or forget! The more I kept saying how much he hurt me (more ways then one) out loud and kept going over all the things  I hurt more. Yes it took me a long time and still things effect me from what he did and said but I’m more at piece for my self. And can deal with him better now. We are all so different and thing work for one and not others. Didnt mean to afford by my wording. Just wanted to throw out what helped me just incase it helped others.

    #49737 Report

    EmJay
    Participant

    It’s right to feel angry. But hes a low life. Why would you want him in your or your child’s life? Get some counselling if you can. You did nothing wrong. You cannot forgive an active abuser. No one should require it. Victims first provide 12 weeks of free counselling even if you did not report to police. Talk to your gp too and if you feel like anger might result in harm to yourself or someone else call 111 for urgent mental health support. 999 if you already put yourself or someone else in danger. Do t be ashamed if thinking you were worth more. Both of you were. Vent to someone safe.

    #50115 Report

    BringChange
    Participant

     

    It hurts me today, reading these posts, actually I have came here to get a better understanding of GingerBread. Especially a number of individual close have committed suicide due to CMS and the way the partner pushed the individual.

    One thing I have learned is the thoughts, feelings and emotions can be overwhelming, worse thing for adding life stresses in relationship breakdown and money. A lot of time, there is no understanding “WHY”, we end up going around in circles to find the answers.

    The more the emotions take over the harder it gets, anger festers into resentment, which can lead to despair. I tried to commit suicide and found myself running away from my responsibilities for years to avoid my emotions. Did not understand and did not want to admit where I was in life, I blamed my ex-wife for everything, she blamed me. I would get drunk and use mind altering substances to avoid this heartache I felt inside. As a man, who has a great relationship with my ex today and see my kids after admitting where I was in life. Actually, today me and my ex would stand in front of any individual who have separated and tell them, we were both as bad as each other.

    We resented each other and had so much anger, but who suffered were our children, which is so hurtful today. We have two great children, but one was raped as a 9year old, after my ex met another partner, trust me we learned the hard way and potentially lost our loved ones because we just kept beat ourselves up and let our emotions run us.

    Now I have a better understanding of the way the mind works and know how to walk away from the resentment and manage the emotions we are in a great place, please learn to manage your thoughts, which lie to you, let go of the feelings and emotions

    Thank you for all your shares and I look back today at what I done, I am not proud but feel change is needed and the kids are the most important part – IT seems a lot of parents (majority) come from broken relationships (parents) and it just seems to be a vicious circle, my parents divorced when I was young and I said, I would not divorce or put my children through what I went through? GUESS WHAT – I did it and not proud of it…………Fact is some or a lot of people learn from their parents, fact is some do not know how to be a father or mother, that is fact

    #50133 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Nonsense.I know many people who come from healthy stable homes where there parents had average/good marriages and today there children are divorced That’s an old myth.I also know plenty individs a who come from fragmented backgrounds who have stable relationships bc they’ve learnt values the hard way.Are you insinuating the kids of everyone here have a blighted future to look forward to? Ridiculous.Please stop scaremongering.

    #50139 Report

    BringChange
    Participant

    Gummibear123 – just stating, why is it nonsense – how many people use their kids in a break up as pawns, relationship break up’s, lets look at them . 9 out of 10 relationships that fail, the parents argue, let there emotions get in the way, usually end up fighting, stopping the children seeing one parent, then the other parent feels hard done by then lashes out, usually walks away, does not care. Majority end up CMS, ***** slapping each other and forgetting the most important individual(s) the children. I am not saying everyone here, but I am saying many will, lets face the facts, there is always two or more sides to a issue, a lot of people in a relationship break up work from the conscious mindset of  VICTIM, CONFLICT, CONCERN, many will not take responsibility or even reach the upper level of <span data-dobid=”hdw”>reconciliation, </span><span data-dobid=”hdw”>synphesis or non-judgement – </span>Actually not scaremongering – if you read what I say without the anger and an open mind, I stated “Fact is some or a lot of people learn from their parents, fact is some do not know how to be a father or mother, that is fact” it is not an old myth or wise tale. We all have opinions, I am here to get a better understanding and share opinions, establish what is happening in this world where people are fighting each other – thank you for your share and your opinion

    #50140 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    You are most welcome,I’m always happy to share my opinion and actually read your post ‘without anger and(with) an open mind.

    Just obviously didn’t quite catch your angle.But that’s ok.Keep smiling.

     

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