4 February 2021 at 8:49 am #49035
Hi all, I hope you are all managing to stay sane at the moment.
I am at a crossroads, covid has forced me to stop and look at my life. I have been with my husband for 20 years, we met in our late teens. Three years later were surprised by being pregnant with our first son. We got married (15years) and have survived many things together. We finally have a nice house both have good jobs and our now 3 boys are all of an age that I feel I have some space (10,11 and 17).
But when I reflect on our relationship I feel hollow. That cliche of I love my husband but I am not in love with him. I feel stupid because I have so much but none of it brings me joy. It just reminds me how much I have drifted along and not stopped to consider what I want for find out who I am.
we argue a lot, in fact the only times we don’t are when I bite my tongue. Our kids have suffered because we bicker (it’s not violent or aggressive). He tells me I need therapy to understand what’s going on- I hear ‘it’s all your fault’.
I want out. I dream of my own space of making my own decisions and mistakes and not being berated for them. But I am so scared- I don’t want to hurt my husband or my kids.
Has anyone been able to navigate an amicable separation? Or what would you have done if you could do it again?
Thanks for reading, much love xx4 February 2021 at 9:46 am #49038
Have you considered mediation. Maybe you need a nice holiday somewhere if possible this summer. With Covid around and awful lockdown it maybe when they start getting lifted you may feel happier and different to how you do at moment. If it dont change in next few months i guess you know for sure then how you feel about whole situaton for sure.4 February 2021 at 11:37 am #49043
I was in a similar situation but it took a lot of soul searching and counselling for me to call it a day. And it was me that first raised the separation, and then divorce. We have 3 teenage children and for the past 10 years I have been raising them on my own – weekends away, get togethers with family & friends, school functions and sports event – all by myself. I would arrange a date night (no mean feat when someone needs to look after 3 energetic boys) and we would be back within 2 hours. We went for coffee and a chat numerous times and it always ended the same – him saying he needed to put more effort in and make changes – but he never did. After 17 years of marriage I realised we didn’t love each other anymore and we weren’t making each other happy – and we both deserved to be happy, and our children deserved happy and fulfilled parents. Although he didn’t really want to split he understood where we were at and that I wasn’t prepared to be unhappy any more. In the end I found out he had been seeing someone so there was no way back for us, but we have remained amicable and can meet up for a coffee and catch up when needed.
I do think Covid is putting a lot of pressure on people, so perhaps take some time for yourself, and I strongly recommend counselling – it is truly the best thing I have ever done for myself – and see where YOU are at first. Are you and your husband able to talk about your relationship and find out where you both are in the marriage? It might not be an easy conversation but it could be necessary.
Should you decide to separate you will all feel hurt and angry and upset. My ex literally blurted it out at the dinner table one Monday evening and my poor kids had a week of school to endure in a highly emotional state. I would suggest letting them know over a weekend when you can all spend time together and process. We were clear that it was about us and not the kids and I believe them seeing us speak to each other etc in a friendly manner has made it easier for them.
I don’t regret ending my marriage, I know it was the right thing to do as we both have a chance at being happy. The kids have adjusted well and seem ok with it. It has been difficult and painful to go through but I am happier for it.
Good luck, things like this are never easy to consider.