Am I wrong to stop my ex visiting the kids at my house?

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  • #40438 Report

    Blah57
    Participant

    My ex insists on seeing our children at my house only. He has a flat that he used to take the older kids to but refuses to do that any more I’m really struggling now its lockdown as he turns up in the morning and doesn’t leave until after tea (so around 6.30). So he’s pretty much here all day. He says his flat is not suitable for the kids to be in as it’s damp which is true, but it’s also dirty because he can’t be bothered to clean it. (If he cleaned it would be fine!) I suggested he just popped in for a couple of hours in the afternoon or take the kids to his place or out if he wants to see them for longer, but he makes me feel like I’m stopping him seeing them which I don’t want at all. I just really can’t cope with him being at my house acting like he lives here I find him very draining to be around. Surely I should be able to have my house as my own. We’ve been split up for about two years but this has been a constant battle.

    #40456 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    You definitely do not need to let him into your home. It is up to him to make arrangements for his access.

    My ex does this and I have allowed it because he lives 85 miles away and I don’t want my son spending 3 hours every Sunday on the motorway. I cope because I either go out or mow the lawn.

    After lockdown ends, I’m going to change things because my son is growing up and he wants to do more active stuff.

    #40459 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    I agree with kathy, you shouldn’t be hosting your ex partner If you don’t feel comfortable with it and nor is it your responsibility to find a solution to the problem he has. If the shoe was on the other foot, you’d find a way around it, especially if it was your contact at stake

    #57550 Report

    Kanga
    Participant

    I’m glad I’ve found this thread. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve had my ex coming in my home to see our boys and he actually left 8 years ago! It feels like 8 years of very hard slog. He doesn’t have his own house. He lives with his dad. Neither his dad or his mum, who has her own house, want him and the boys sleeping at theirs. They’re in their 70s now and find it all too tiring. They can visit their houses but not sleep. My ex and his mum and dad can’t see a problem with him visiting/sleeping at mine. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes we’re friends, sometimes he irritates me to high heaven, sometimes I’m angry with him. Our boys will always side with him. Obviously, being children, they don’t understand how emotionally draining this all is for me and how I have years of pent-up sadness, frustration and anger in me. I don’t want him coming round mine. He acts like he’s on holiday. I have to ask him to play a part in washing up. The living room is like a bomb-site. He doesn’t tell the boys off. He lets them go to bed late. It’s easier being here as a single parent than having him around. I don’t know how much of a leg I have to stand on though in this situation. He’s still on the mortgage (joint mortgage) but has nothing to do with the payments as I see to all that but his mum has told him because he’s on the mortgage he should be able to come and go as he pleases! I’m at a loss what to do.

    I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you. I wanted to express I understand how you feel and that you’re not alone. It’s also been good to get this off my chest and have a moan.

    #57566 Report

    I needaliein
    Participant

    Hello all, glad I’ve found this thread too.

    Have also lived various versions of this since we split up 2 its ago. It is really heavy going so sympathy to all concerned.

    Initially it seemed least disruptive for LO to let ex come and see her as often and whenever he liked. Over time it became enormously stressful for me and actually quite disruptive for her. She never knew if/when he’d see her next and was often disappointed if she’d assumed he would be over and he didnt then up. Alternatively he would suddenly turn up 15 minutes before bedtime on a Sunday night when she’d hoped he would come all day, get her all excitable then leaving me with overtired child too excited to sleep on a school night after half hr. Or turning up in the middle of meals or as we were finally getting out house.

    I dont have a brilliant solution I’m afraid of how best to resolve…but no you absolutely don’t have to have the ex over (even if his name is on mg) and deffo whole days at together are too much strain 4 everyone. You split up for a reason.

    If my ex does turn up unexpectedly now I either get on with stuff in a different room or suggest they go down to the park or whatever but put an end point on it- eg don’ t forget we’ve promised to go & see Gran at 4pm or whatever.

    I have 2 really force myself NOT to offer meals if it drags on to that kind of time- it is hard because it does feel rude, but ultimately I’m not his partner anymore and frankly I have enough to do as it is. I also have to remind myself NOT to invite him with us of we’re going somewhere we used to go as a family. I feel I’m being unkind, we were together a long time, but in reality we both need to learn how to be single parents and to process the fact that we aren’t a couple any more. It’s very hard to do that when you spend too much time together- I end up falling back into same routines (I run round doing everything, he sits on the sofa and criticises!) & then feel very angry with myself and resentful of him about it afterwards (!)…. As expressed, we split up for good reason.

    I try and make a point of confirming when ex & LO are next seeing each other at drop offs/pick ups in front of both of them- that seems to help.

    If ex really can’t have children at his, walks, bike rides, goin 2 park together or what have you have all been good options. Local library (lockdown allowing) or swimming do able on rainy days.  Wishing you all luck and much mental strength.

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