Am I the abuser?

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  • #53283 Report


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    Hi. My question might seem a little odd so please bear with me. My ex partner has claimed that I am abusive where as I am convinced its the other way around. My 17 year old son is of the same opinion and doesn’t really speak with his mum because of it. We have both torn lumps off each other verbally in the past, like pretty much as bad as it gets and it was like a living hell. I want to stress that I am no choir boy at all and I am guilty of saying dreadful things in retaliation but in my. opinion, thats all it ever was, a retaliation but how would I know for sure?

    For a bit of background info, my three kids live with me at the moment as I am safe guarding them via social services recommendation. I’m quite a big bloke, head strong in a lot of ways and not shy to give it back verbally if the need arrises. I have said things to my ex that I am not proud of and I have acted very badly myself, never ever physically but verbally I was savage in arguments. I used to have a drink problem but that lasted about four months after the split and live a peaceful life and the kids are quite literally my entire life.

    My ex is in my opinion an alcoholic sociopath. In the social service report, there was a section about mothers views on an incident that occurred for social to become involved and she quite literally blames my daughter for making her act the way she did. The incident in question  was one of a few occasions where I had a call form my daughter, who admittedly can be challenging at times, to say that mums wasted and would I collect her and her sister. I live 15 minutes away and by the time I arrived both girls were hysterical and shaking. My ex had been dragging my daughter around the kitchen by her shirt calling her f-ing c word and f-ing every other word you can imagine and my daughters crime was? calling me to collect them. When we were together if I ever text a female I had to show her the message and one of my exes friends who is now my best friend, I had to add my ex into a group chat to be able to speak with her. she’s was possessive and at one point was accusing me of having an affair with 6 different women at the same time! trust me, if you could see my face you’d know thats not possible and frankly, who on earth would want to! Her new fella has had the same experience as well. The kids have lived with me since October 2020 and she was still claiming benefits for the kids as if they lived there and after 4 months I got sick of it and said you can’t do this to the kids anymore and she said “I’ll tell the police you beat me up if you do that”. I told the police myself and sent them the messages and they said “I have nothing to worry about as they can see its a lie and that she’s all over the place”. She has been violent quite a few times towards me, three times bad and once where I spent three weeks in bed and I required an MRI scan as I was still having headaches and black outs 6 months later. There was a couple of occasions where she started to get a bit physical so I just pushed her outside and locked the door until she calmed down but I have and never would hit a female or anyone really.  The other week a member of the public reported her to child services whilst my kids where sleeping over, for insane behaviour on her street. She was drinking vodka at 9am, took a load of pills, told my eldest daughter about it and then went crazy at some one on her street because a McDonalds was delivered in error. I challenged her about it and she said “what, I can’t have vodka if Andy (her fella) calls me a fat ****?’. She’s taken over doses, left suicide notes and has gone for weeks on end without bothering to contact any of the kids many times. Her fellas son met her once and refuses to see her again as he said she’s mad. I’ve helped pay her rent, taken her to hospital (only for her to run away), spent hours and hours begging her to get help and then she just turns on me and claims she is the victim.

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    The issue I have is that now my ex can see she’s going to be facing my in court fairly soon over the divorce, she all of a sudden claims to be mum of the year again and is saying all her behaviour is my fault for controlling her. She couldn’t even manage to see that social closed the case because the kids are being safe guarded by me and not because there is no case to answer and its actually written in the report and was discussed verbally in the conference call. I’m as sure as anyone can be that it isn’t me but as I have said I have been dreadful back to her verbally and with her claiming it every 7 seconds, it kind of makes you question if there is some truth in it.

    Sorry if this isn’t the right place to be asking this question. If it isn’t could you point me in the right direction?


    #54666 Report


    I literally had the reverse of this. He was psychologically, verbally and financially abusive towards me for 4 years. When ‘he’ decided the relationship was over because he was cheating with another woman I cried tears of relief and started looking for a place for my daughter and I. During the separation he got violent because I cut him off financially which meant he couldn’t buy his beer. He called the police on me because I pushed him away for getting in my face in front of our daughter, the police arrested then de arrested me once they learned the full story.

    After 1 year of him having her 3 nights a week he messaged me while I was at work to tell me not to worry about the call I would get. It was nothing and it was all sorted. I was on the phone to social services who called me to ask how my daughter was after being interviewed by the police after her dad and uncle had had a physical fight ending up in her uncle being arrested whilst she was in his care off school poorly 3 days before. I picked her up from school early, informed the school he was never to collect her again (They also already knew what had happened!) Told him he was never to see her unsupervised again either by myself or the contact centre in town as I had seen and spoken to him and his family all 3 days and not one of them thought they were responsible for telling me there had been such a violent fight or that he had concussion and was looking after our daughter who was unwell on his own.

    After his flat refusal to see my daughter over Christmas outside his flat as she didn’t feel comfortable going inside with Covid, he turned up 3 months later with some presents which needed cleaning before she could open them and a birthday present. She has decided she never wants to speak to him or see him again because he let her down and upset her too many times.

    I completely understand why you feel that maybe sometimes you were the abusive one. It is how the abusive party works. They get in your head to make you feel it was all your fault. But as I have been told many times, I was not the one pouring the alcohol down his neck, I was not the one who got violent and manipulative, I was not the one who chose addiction over a child.

    My advice to you would be to keep your head, document everything you can, calls, messages anything that happens which concerns your kids and be the best parent you can be. Kids are very perceptive and see and hear more than we think they do. Often they come to the right conclusions themselves no matter how much we try to shield them from the bad things.


    I hope it works out for you and your kids

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