Am I in the wrong?

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  • #20811 Report



    As some of you know I am in the middle of a divorce and impeding house move.  This month for the first time my exh is paying child maintenance which will essentially pay the mortgage for me (he was paying the mortgage in full and not giving me any maintenance for DD).  My DD had a letter for an expensive trip with school to which I said no so despite me asking her not to she asked her Dad.  He told her that he was paying money to me for her.  I emailed him after the event to say that I had not asked her to ask him and actually asked her not to but just had an email back from him which has left me shaking with anger.  He said that the money he is due to give me is for DD and therefore to use it to pay for the trip.  I have sat DD and explained that the money from her Dad is to pay for everything, house, hot water, wifi clothes, food as well as the nice things and at the moment until we move out of here I just cannot commit to such an expensive trip (esp when its only for 4 days).  My Mum supports my decision and says that DD has got to learn that things are different now and she does go to school in quite an affluent area so some of her friends are going.  I just wanted to ask for some perspective .  She is going to Spain in the easter break which i reminded her I have got to pay for and until the house is sold every penny I have is accounted for – Am I in the wrong and what right does exh have to tell me how to spend the CMS money especially when he knows this month it will be paying the mortgage (this should change when we move out). 🙁

    #20814 Report


    Hi GirlFriday, sorry to hear this. I think he’s being unreasonable, as you both agreed that the money was to pay the mortgage. Sounds like he’s just trying to be ‘dad of the year’.

    #20815 Report


    Thanks Teaandcake, I did say to DD that if we we’re still together I would’ve said no £800 for 4 days is just too much, she just threw back at me that she would’ve asked him and got him to say yes anyway! Strangely enough just had an email from his solicitor about the mortgage/CMS … the timing couldn’t have been better he was distressed that I got CMS involved apparently! Hope my weekend gets better I still can’t drink on these meds and really fancy 🍷🤨

    #20827 Report


    You aren’t being unreasonable. The money your ex gives is for you to provide for your daughter, and providing a home, food and hot water is more important than an £800 school trip.

    You don’t say how old your daughter is, but if she is 14 or more, this might be a good time to discuss budgeting with her.

    #20831 Report


    Hi Girlfriday, I don’t know the full situation but in terms of fairness or even legality very much depends on whose house the name is in etc, if it’s joint for example and you are both earning and you are living there and he has moved out there are cases where he is within rights legally (not necessarily morally) to charge you rent for example.  So depending on the situation any revisitation of the arrangement if solicitors become involved could make it worse for you.  If he has moved out and has to pay rent where he is at as well as cover mortgage may force house sale as a default of mortgage may mean it’s repossessed by the bank.  How much he pays in maintainance is usually means tested but I certainly wouldn’t be in a position to pay for rent as well as someone else’s mortgage for example and I ended up helping my ex to remortgage for a better deal so she could afford to buy me out to ensure they had a secure home.  Depends how forthcoming he is though of course and where his priorities lie.  But things like this is why a clean break order is a must for both parties after an indefinite separation.

    In terms of expensive holidays I’m afraid the others are right it’s about educating your child.  I’ve not been on holiday in the 4 yrs since I split let alone an expensive one abroad…and while it’s on the to do list the important thing is putting food on the table and spending quality time as any expense such as a holiday can potentially put you in debt that affects your ability to provide those basic things.  This is the reality after a split I’m afraid, funds can be tight for a while until you recover even with a good job.

    Emails or communication from solicitor is never good if it’s first the other partner hears of things.  My solicitor messed up and misquoted me to my ex so many times and caused so much damage and I’ll feeling that I ended up binning them off, cutting losses and doing it all myself after sitting down with ex and discussing things.  If you are in a position at all where you can talk to ex then certainly I’d recommend trying to talk as solicitors are not there to improve relations and it sounds like there are issues to be addressed with your daughter that would have been in place even if you were still together.  If you can keep things as amicable as possible even if you have solicitors to formalise any binding agreement it makes what is already a difficult process less of a nightmare and much less expensive.  Put it this way, between us we wasted in excess of 1500 on mediation that solves nothing and my solicitor trying to cause trouble before scrapping everything and starting over.  That would have paid for that 800 holiday and then some.  While I must say they have their uses and are important in some cases, solicitor fees are one of the biggest reasons couples separating are in debt as well was the barrier or miscommunication that can occur if they steer the proceedings instead of acting as instructed by the client.

    #20832 Report


    Hi everyone thanks for your comments, my DD is 14 and did sit down and try and talk things through with her, i guess I will just have to have another go and try a bit harder.  I have said when we move out of here she can have the majority of the child benefit and that she will have to manage that for cinema trips, shopping & that she will need to buy all her clothes (within reason) so hopefully that will help her to budget – I did say there will be forfeits if she doesn’t do some jobs around the house to help me out which will mean her paying me bk £1 a go!  With regards to the separation it is all virtually signed for via the solicitors as he is a high earner with large pensions which i just dont have so yes we have both racked up significant solicitor bills – He wouldn’t agree to mediation firstly and to be honest i was relieved that i never had to speak to him again as he had become very aggressive with me.  He knows that the money he is ‘giving me’ as CMS money is this month paying the mortgage he has just shifted it from paying the bank to paying me for me to then pay the bank but i have a very small amount left over.. Am really hoping this is the one and only month and that we will be free come March and out of here! PS it is highly likely although i have not been able to prove it that he moved in with the OW very shortly after leaving me as he said he was going to his parents but that didnt happen, he told DD when they were speaking back in October that he was living with a ‘friend from work’.

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